Thoughts

I'm so glad you called!
Are you going to go up on the med?

Yes, I will be going up to 2mg of Risperdone. She looked back in my chart and saw that I was doing much better on that dose.

I'm glad you are ok.

I hope the risperdone works as well as it did the last time. I was having some more thoughts this afternoon. It's like my mind is trying to prep for it... I was thinking about what I would write in a letter, what pills I would use, clearing my schedule, getting my parents to pick up the kids at school...

At the same time I am going about my life looking normal, telling people that I am fine when they ask, and really feeling like I am OK, that none of those dark thoughts will come true. But they still scare me.

You are in trouble my friend... I think you should be admitted to the hospital to be honest.

I am starting to wonder that myself...

My husband is sick right now, so the kids would have to go to my parents' house.

It is so hard to make that decision. I always have trouble with decisions, especially lately, which might be a blessing in terms of what this thread has been about.

I see my T tomorrow, so he and I can talk about it.

I hate all of this.

Sometimes it feels like I am pretending it all.

This is a pretty complete plan. I don't think you're pretending anything. This plan you've outlined above is the most complete you've had for some time.

This plan doesn't lack much to bring it to completion & you to an end.

I agree with dijmart. You are in trouble now. No make believe about it.

Please don't wait until tomorrow to go to the hospital. Tomorrow might be too late. You have plans that are too detailed to consider yourself safe on your own for even a few more hours. You know that. It's time to go.

I can't wake everyone up and make people lose sleep over me. I really do think going to the hospital can wait, and maybe I'll be better tomorrow. I am not dwelling on it, just having fleeting thoughts.

I take that back, I am dwelling, but on the wrongness of the thoughts.

Please wake them up if for nothing else but to tell your husband that you are having suicidal thoughts and that you really need him to be on watch. That way you can get through the night safely and see your T tomorrow to make this decision. You need to be supervised right now. Don't mess around with this.

You do recognize, tho, that right/wrong--yes/no--good/bad.... These things can flip in our minds when we're cycling in the blink of an eye?

I can see that. I'll be safe tonight, I promise. In fact I am going to go to bed now so that I can maybe fall asleep. Thanks to everyone for talking with me so much.

(((BNLsMOM)))

Stay safe.

I hope you sleep. Be safe.

Good idea to fill your husband in on what's going on- keep us informed and stay safe.

Sleep well and please stay safe. I'll be thinking about you tonight.

Suicidal Ideation ranges from fleeting thoughts to detailed planning. You may have been having fleeting thoughts at first and they are somewhat common (yet still need to be taken seriously), however it seems as though it has progressed to detailed planning.

The fact of the matter is this- you can't trust what you may or may not do in this stage....period. Even your Tdoc can't predict with certainty what the outcome will be. If he/she says they can they are not being truthful, they can't predict human behavior or predict the future.

Being in a "safe" environment at this point is the goal to keeping you alive. Worry about your husband being sick, where the kids will go, etc. is all subconscious talk that will make you feel worse about the situation. If you had a sudden illness of any other kind and had to be hospitalized wouldn't your family figure things out? They would know they "had to", because you weren't well.

This is no different...you are not well. Doesn't matter that it's do to mental illness, it is an illness..... Would you go to the hospital to get help if you had a heart attack? or had uncontrollable diabetes? or pancreatitis?.... Of course you would. The fact that your husband is sick would be irrelevant. The fact that you have kids would be irrelevant. Why is this so different?

The thing is this.... you're telling yourself (even if subconsciously) that you can control this without going to the hospital.... So my question to you is- do you know this for certain?... If you can't answer "yes" to that question then you're risking your life and your families happiness by not helping yourself.

Remember I myself have been down this road. I know that this "planning" can turn into "action" at any point, for any reason. Why? Because it's irrational and stemming from "illness".

My T appointment is in 20 minutes. I am going to discuss hospitalization with him, and probably will go. If I can, I will update.

Thank you everyone for helping me.

T said that hospitalization is a choice but he also thinks that the med change that my pdoc did might be helpful too. Now I can't decide, and I don't know what my gut is telling me. (but I wouldn't be surprised if I go tonight) Why is this so hard?

For now, I am just going to sleep. I'll be safe there.

Because you have to put "you" first, above your husband and above your kids...depression is probably telling you that you aren't worth saving or worth the trouble, so to speak.... but you are!

Yes the medication might help, but what if it doesn't? .... Again, are you certain 100% that you won't act on your thoughts?

It's so hard because you aren't used to making a decision that places your wellbeing first. If you were making this decision for your husband or children, it would be easy.

Meds take time to work. You don't have time. You're at the brink.

Roadrunner is spot on! Not good with words/writing, bear that in mind.

Frankly I am stunned you were given the option of "deciding" on hospitalization. Were you as honest with T & pdoc as you are on here?

Halloween was 2days ago, hubby will get better & children pick on way more than you think.

You see-saw between partially rational then being totally out of control of your thoughts. At this point you have/can NOT control this. Can any med out there take these ideations away after one dose/pill?

Blunt, but don't know what else to say except keep posting because WE care!!!

I was in a bad place mentally and I thought I could do it on my own by taking off work, getting meds changed, scheduling ect outpatient, ect. I still ended up in the hospital and it wasn't pretty. It's respectable that you want to hang on for you family, but you have to put you first right now. Keep posting or we'll all worry.

Wow I was asleep all day.

I told T everything, including things that I would include in a letter. He wants me to split my night dose of Risperdone and take some during the time I have the most thoughts, which is afternoon/evening/night. So I will take the half pill around 5. I took it today already. The idea is that the risperdone should work within a half to a full hour to quiet the thoughts enough so they don't overwhelm me.

I want to give it a try before I decide whether or not I will go to the hospital.