Husband Not Stable after 3 years

Hello all,

I am sorry if this isn't in the right category, but I need to hear some success stories. My husband was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder 3 years ago. Very late in life (he was 34) depression hid most of his symptoms as he had been treated for depression for many many years before that.

He was hospitalized 3 years ago for one month, and has yet to be stable for any length of time. He's been on and off so many medications I am starting to worry what all the med changes are doing to him.

I miss him so much. I miss the laughter in our house, the spur of the moment trips, the closeness. It is so hard to walk on the eggshells all the time. Some days I don't even notice it, yet other days I just want to stomp around on the egg shells and smash them all.

My family and friends are surprised I am still with him, which I find very hurtful of them to say. I love him with all my heart. I never thought it would take this long. Its been so hard financially (I am the only one working), and it feels like there's no room for me - or I should say my feelings and my well being.

I don't know how to talk to him about this, as I don't want him to feel guilty or worse for not being stable, not working ect. I don't know when he's going to be well enough to work, I don't know when the laughter will be back, I don't know when anything will resemble some normalcy.

I would love to hear from someone who is on the other side of this table I'm at. What someone who has Bi-Polar has to say about all of this.

OH I should also maybe mention that I too suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am starting to feel resentment growing and that scares me the most. Some days I get so angry with him, some days annoyed, some days nothing at all. I feel like I am caring for a child at times. His mental capacity has changed significantly since we met, and I find that difficult too.

I know that life is not going to be the same as it was before he went into the hospital, I don't expect it to be. I just miss him so much, miss what we were. He doesn't come to bed with me at night anymore, he has to fall asleep in his chair and then comes to bed. I just feel our closeness gaping further and further apart.

Oh, I'm sorry sweetpea. (((hug)))

I'm not bipolar, I'm schizoaffective, but I can tell you that I've improved a lot, and would say that most people would think I'm normal. I'm on meds, and it took a while to get the right cocktail, but when it worked it really did work. I do think I feel less intelligent than I used to, but not to the extent that anyone would notice. Perhaps what I mean is I just feel a little bit slower. But I'm capable of reading a book again, travelling on the bus, working on a voluntary basis (I might even get a job one day) cleaning the house, shopping, cooking (cleaning is a bit more of a job, but it never was my favourite thing to do.) I can look after my son without causing him anxiety by my odd beliefs. (I used to think the bridge in the local village was haunted, and would pray under my breath as we crossed it, told my son some odd things which, it turns out, he never believed, but kept his doubts to himself.)

What I mean is, I was functioning on a very poor level for some time, but once the meds were sorted out things got back to a new kind of normal, which in the end is alright.

I do think your husband can improve... and in the mean time, don't be angry with yourself for being frustrated or unhappy. You're living in very trying circumstances. Anyone would feel resentment.

Welcome and lots of to you, sweetpea1977!

Other side of the table here. Much of what you wrote I can't help but think was what my ex-husband felt, especially the eggshells (my hypomania can include extreme irritability) and having to take an almost parent-like role, especially financially, but also in things like cooking, because when depressed I just can't concentrate enough, don't care and basically stop eating. These episodes went on for vast stretches of time and honest to God, I don't know how he put up with it. I felt bad about so much falling to him. Fortunately he was an extremely patient person. (25 years patient! )

Ok, now for more heartening things! I'm still not the easiest person in the world to live with, but with a good med mix, it is definitely better. (I was unmedicated nearly the whole time with the ex, and quite out of control.) I'm sorry to hear that getting a good med mix is taking so long. Sometimes it does, but I hope a good mix is found soon. Maybe it won't be the same as before, but that doesn't mean that things might not get much much better... The closeness is not necessarily gone either. When feeling badly, there is a big tendency to distance, and not even realize one is doing so. But when feeling better, "snuggliness" can also return. Along with other things you have enjoyed before. There IS hope.

Be absolutely sure to make "you" time, even if it is only in small ways to help keep burnout at bay. There are some good books written especially for someone living with someone with BP. (though I've not read it, "Living with Someone who is Living with Bipolar Disorder" by Chelsea Lowe, 2010 has been mentioned here on the BP forum as a good one.) Personally, I'd definitely go for something that is focused on keeping yourself on keel and even buoyed. There is room for your feelings and well-being. They are essential. And finding ways to do good things for yourself can help with that.

(Some BP books are annoyingly focused on negatives. Avoid them. Not to be bossy , but I find them disheartening and seem to imply the worst things to be universal. They're NOT.)

I wanted to tell you my story to give you some hope. It's been about ten years since I first displayed symptoms and about 5 since I started taking meds. It's only in the last year that I achieved stability. It really can take a lot of time. One thing that I would recommend is to find a family and friends support group. It can be as hard to be a caregiver as to have the mental illness. Another thing might be to talk with a couples counsellor. It may not help your husband's illness, but it may help your relationship.

Thanks so much everyone for the honest and real replies.

I think that having depression myself, I understand why and how and where this all comes from. I am pretty sure that having that knowledge of how difficult the simplest of things can be allows me to be much more understanding, but it also makes me feel that much more guilty for getting frustrated or just plain tired. Its almost a catch 22.

Thanks everyone, sometimes its just too much and I am glad to see there is hope.

Well i am going to offer a different opinion. I am BiPolar and if it was not for the encouragement of my husband I would not be where I am today. He did not accept the fact that I wanted to lay in bed, and go on disability. He shouldered the burden of many things, and then told me to get up. He said the world needed what I had to offer, and that I was responsible for my own mental health. In the most caring way he could.
I sincerely hope you do not take this as a criticism as you are a wonderful and caring wife. But spouses, in an effort to try to make things easy for a bipolar spouse can enable them to focus on their illness and not take responsibility for their existence.
Have an open dialogue, and let him know how you feel.

While I agree with you lad, sometimes the best place to have that dialogue is in couples therapy.

Hi sweetpea! ...another from the other side of the table. I went undiagnosed for decades.It cost me several relationships, my family, and every friend I ever had. Even after I was diagnosed (bipolar nos), it took years to find a reasonable med cocktail. It was so worth the wait. I'm still having to tweek it but being truely med compliant was key, once the right basic combo was found. I was alone by this time, and am just starting to rebuild my life, and I can't help but wonder, could I have salvaged some of those relationships if I had sought help sooner, or been willing to go to that marriage councilor ? If you're in for the long haul this is a good start, but try to find a mediator who can help have your voice heard.

(((Sweatpea))) Wrote you this long rambling post that apparently timed out cause it wouldn't send...

You are not alone, my story about my marriage is very similar.
Thing are "alittle" better, at least he's working some but finances are very tight.

Don't give up, learn to do things that make YOU happy. Try & not let him consume your every thought. I had to learn to take care of myself also!!

Sending good thoughts your way.