[venusss]

But I am just so tired. I am sick of how I cannot handle stress as well as I should (but what do I know how my classmate handle stress. I fake pretty well in the public).

I really wish I could be this chill and calm person who can be spontageous... that's who others view me. I am not sure who I am lately...

And I am just in this mood-swingy emo mode lately. It does not help that most of the school work I do is somehow frightfully depressive. It puts me in the guilttrip mode... feeling that I am getting my degree on other's misfortune. And yeah, I do have a morbid interest in political affairs. But usually I don't cry over academic texts and news articles like I do lately.

And I feel so scared of the future, because what if I never matter, what if I waste my life stuck in some mundane job and never get to do the things I wanted to do (human rights work or post-conflict assistance...)... and then again, why bother? It is not like any of this can make difference. Many people today have mundane jobs that create a little value and they seem to be happy in them. Maybe it is just my unrealistic expectations.

I just don't know... I have no drive right now (yet, I done all what I needed to get done... while wondering whom am I doing it for). Not looking forward the next day or the day after. Not liking my current situation. I have the game face on, but nowhere to go.

Worry not, I will live. But I wonder... what for?

[Charlie_J]

Ah, Venus... I had a long rambling reply all written out but it turned out to be quite meaningless in the end. This is better:



I hope you'll succeed. If you have the financial means, you'll be all right.

[dragonfly2]

Hi Venus,

I don't think you're whining. I think these are normal existential questions we all go through at times. Wondering what our purpose here in this life is, wondering if it's all worth it, searching for meaning. Part of this is your nature and I think part of it may be some depression setting in, clouding your perspective.

What are you doing to nurture yourself right now? I know you have chosen not to take medication, but what other methods are you using to help your mind stay in balance? Can you make some adjustments there? Maybe add some light therapy? Once winter begins to set in, our little bipolar pineal glands go a bit haywire and we need the extra light. Even if you don't think it will help, try it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

I know the world seems like it's in a constant state of turmoil, and focusing on that would bring anybody to tears. But know that people can make a difference. Dictators and Communist walls can be brought down, systems can change. I think global social change is more of a reality now than it has ever been, and the common people's voices are being heard. You are part of that global voice, probably moreso than many of us. Keep plugging on. I think you are more of an agent of change than you may realize. You inspire others to care, and that brings strength in numbers. And while someday you may be able to create change in a more formal setting, know that your actions now do matter.

[lad007]

You are judging yourself that you can't handle stress as well as you should. If you are taking steps to minimize it, you are making an effort. If you are getting your work done effectively, you are managing your stress.
There are a lot of mundane jobs out there, but you don't have to get one. There are also a lot of jobs where you can make a difference.
Maybe you can choose a course next term that will interest and motivate you? Give you something to look forward to? Can you volunteer at a shelter make meals around the holidays? That always makes me feel better.

[unaluna]

The car bumper sticker reads, Think Globally, Act Locally. You already have a positive effect on the world. I was on my way to meet a friend the other day, and I saw a woman walking toward the downtown library in a short coat, purple tights and orange hair, and I said to myself, look, there's Venus! Well, I know you are not actually in my neighborhood, but I felt that woman was my friend because of you. You add to the good karma in the world just being yourself.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh Venus, you add sO much value to my life, and i'm sure to many others too. You're a real inspiration, don't you ever forget that. You've already started changing the world. Ps. You're N0T whining... XOXO

[AniManiac]

Venus, I think it's amazing that you want to do the kind of work you're interested in - the world needs more people like you! I really admire how much you care for others and how freely you give advice and support. There's nothing wrong with ambition; being unwilling to settle for the mundane is part of what makes you such an interesting and vivacious person!

Try and keep your chin up - sounds like a bit of depression, and it's getting to that time of year for most of us. We're all here if you need to vent.

((((((Venus))))))

I'm afraid I have no hopeful words or solid advice, just wanted to let you know that I can really relate. Sending you hugs and positive vibes!

You already do matter Venus as others have said, you already make people think. I cannot see you stuck in a mundane job, because why? Because Venus just wouldn't have it! I really feel that.

Often when I read your posts I wish I could turn back time and do things differently academic wise. But I cannot. Often times I question my purpose, being on disability doesn't give one a sense of a meaningful life. So I have to dig deep. I have to realize how important the job of raising the future generation is. And what can I give them? I look at everything I have been through and for what point? Just to merely suffer? No I think not, I think my purpose might be to help others, through the things I have suffered, it might be small scale and subtle. But this might be my purpose, to be a human that cares, that does not turn my back on thy neighbor, that can help spread the seeds of love and be one of the many hands in the chain of hands that are trying to strengthen the human race for the good of all. Which you are also apart of.

You are already on your way, and I don't see any reason that a woman like you will not have this success. Just look at your successes already, what people here are telling you about how you have helped change them ( and that's without ever meeting them face to face) You have a very special gift and a special presence that should not be discounted to soon.

Hopefully you will get through this emo down mode soon. I'm sure it is clouding your perspective. But I am not to worried about you fulfilling your purpose. You are passionate, and strong, you are determined, and you are gifted. I know you are very worried about finding your purpose,just don't discount your purpose and meaning outside of "career" on your way there.

[venusss]

Thanks muchly everybody... yeah, I agree, I may be going through a bout of depression. Trying to hold in there, eat healthy or at least nom on mood foods and drinking herb teas frantically.

and awwww, hankster, your post made me smile. thanks muchly.

[roads]

You're acquiring the skills, and daily nurture the attitude, to make a difference whenever the opportunity presence itself. You may not always know when that is. You may be touching people here in a way that may--down the line--enable them to do something remarkable in their communities.

And Venus, it's not like you stay tucked away in some little pocket waiting for the world to bring its problems to you. You're out there! But remember, many people who touch people in huge ways never know what they have done. The geniuses of this world walk a narrow bridge of sanity. Read their stories. Many of them thank unknown heroes for having saved their lives and sanity.

If you're looking to be a chapter in history, probably you'll have to be head of a major nation to accomplish that. Otherwise, I agree with the others... You're already making a difference.

But that doesn't ever mean it's going to change the overall ups and downs of this moody life path we all travel.

Hugs & best wishes. And if admiration counts--you sure have mine!

[venusss]

awww, thanks muchly.

Anyways going for weekend home... will be offline for a bit. Taking my laptop and duties with me though.