[nacht]

For several days now I haven't been able to use my phone. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but I'm pretty sure there's someone listening through the mouthpiece even when I'm not using it. I've been covering it with clothing and hiding it in my purse, or when I'm in the car I put on loud music so no one can hear anything, but that doesn't help whenever I have to use the phone so it's making me unbearably anxious every time I have to call someone. I'm afraid I'll slip up and say something I shouldn't say, but I don't know what that "something" is. It's making my insomnia and racing thoughts even worse, and then all last night I kept hearing people talking and what sounded like bird noises in the same room, it kept me up until really late.

Right now I'm looking for my life insurance policy, looking through my belongings to see what I can leave my boyfriend and WHY AM I DOING THIS. I'm not depressed at all, I feel fine, in fact I feel wonderful! Is that even possible? The other day I was just thinking "oh my god I hope this never ends because I had forgotten what joy felt like," and I still feel that way, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. Can't tell if just intrusive thoughts or not, but I know I shouldn't be sorting through my stuff, the last time I did that I made a serious attempt...

I don't know what I should do. I feel like I can't afford to have this going on, I have a ton of concerts to get through this month, and writing, and there's the holidays... it's really worrying me that I'm doing this but I don't have a T to talk to about it, and my care is handled totally through the county hospital until I can get a permanent pdoc. Thinking about this is stressing me out even more.

I'm sorry, I don't know that I should even be writing about this but I need to vent and I can't think where else to put it right now...

(((((nacht)))))

Are you currently on any medication right now? It sounds like you're going through a manic episode, with some psychotic symptoms...stuff that can't really be sorted out without proper medication.

Please don't underestimate the severity of suicidal thoughts. My worst suicide attempt was during a severe manic episode, when I was psychotic. You don't have to be depressed to attempt suicide. I hope that, if you DO feel suicidal, that you'll go to the hospital ASAP. They can help you out.

[nacht]

1000mg Depakote ER, 200mg Seroquel, and that's it. They haven't made any attempts to adjust the dosages since I started taking them (which has been pretty recent).

My boyfriend is worried too, he doesn't know all of what's going on but he knows about the phone because that's why I haven't been answering it when he calls me...

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, well you've said something that really resonated with me. When I was having my possible psychotic episdoe (I say possible because it went untreated and undaignosed, but I remember it and have talked it over with a pdoc,) Anyway, before that episode I would say I was depressed through my teens. It started when I was 18. I became very happy. Content with life. I felt that whatever had been wrong was healed. I had friends, getting A's in school, I even had a job.

But, I seriously believed a secrety spy agency had put up shop in a small office building in my neighborhood. They were draining all of the joy and happy energy out of the park, and they knew that I knew, and that I was a "powerful" person and I was the "caretaker" of the park. And they were out to get me.

So, I would advise bringign this up with your doctor or therapist.

[kaliope]

it definately sounds like you are experiencing a pretty serious episode. please contact the county hospital in charge of prescribing your meds as you are probably in need of an adjustment. do they have a walkin clinic? i go to the state clinic and they take walkins up to three oclock. you just have to wait until a doctor is available to see you.

good luck and hang in there.

[Resident Bipolar]

Paranoia is a symptom of a psychotic episode, especially in the amounts that you are experiencing. I'd normally tell you to contact your health care provider as soon as you can, but you've pointed out that you're currently receiving help through the county hospital.

What I suggest is you do contact whomever you last dealt with in regards to your disorder and/or medication. An adjustment or switch to a different medication may be very helpful to begin to slow the psychosis down. The suicidal thoughts you are experiencing (regardless of your mood) are very serious.

Please contact a health care professional as soon as you can. Even if you're not being dealt with by a doctor at this time, a trip to a General Practitioner (doctor, GP, hospital clinic, etc.) is good enough for now.

Whilst you're waiting, try using distraction techniques to divert your mind from these distressing thoughts and paranoia. Do something you enjoy to keep you busy and your mind distracted. And remember... WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU.

If you need more help feel free to PM me ♥

♥

[nacht]

walk in clinic is open tomorrow, I will go first thing. until then I guess I'll try to keep myself occupied with other things and drive myself to the per if it gets too bad. went to rehearsal tonight and it was too loud in the symphony hall for anyone to hear anything so other than finding it hard to focus I felt safer than at home. thanks for listening, all.

[AniManiac]

This sounds pretty scary, nacht. I'm glad you've decided to go to the walk-in clinic. Keep us posted!

i wouldn't know what to do....

I have seen and heard things that are not reality....

angels watch us all the time...they know whats messin' us up

it's no-ones fault matey

[faerie_moon_x]

I hope all goes well for your today.

You're not alone in this.

Glad to hear that you will be going to the clinic. I hope everything goes OK!

[nacht]

I went in first thing today and got a med adjustment, so we'll see what happens. about the sui thoughts- the pdoc told me I should come back if things got any worse, though I am trying to avoid an inpatient visit.

at least maybe I'll sleep tonight and that might help some. I've had three hours in as many days at this point. Maybe if I weren't doing things like scrubbing the kitchen floor at 3am...

[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by nacht

I went in first thing today and got a med adjustment, so we'll see what happens. about the sui thoughts- the pdoc told me I should come back if things got any worse, though I am trying to avoid an inpatient visit.

at least maybe I'll sleep tonight and that might help some. I've had three hours in as many days at this point. Maybe if I weren't doing things like scrubbing the kitchen floor at 3am...

I'm proud of you for finding the motivation and courage to go and see somebody about your medication.

As for the suicidal thoughts, just keep a very close eye on the intensity and how much they control the way you behave throughout the day. I don't think they'd force you to go to inpatient if they got a bit more severe: they'll probably just have a think about some more/different outpatient interventions.

Once again, I'm proud of you for going to see somebody. Just keep us posted on how the medication adjustment affects you.

RB ♥♥

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm glad to hear you were able to see someone today. Hopefully things start turning around. I know it's a tough time but you can do it!