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#1
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My mood is getting grayer and grayer as the day goes on. So is the sky.
![]() I got some things done this morning before my T appointment but afterward, I just want to cry. It's not like there was anything triggering about the T appt, aside from having to go to a T at all (which is still pretty new for me). And I don't know what to work on, which feels like performance pressure to me. I set myself just one task for this afternoon. I just have edit and send out a report that's already fully written, and I only have minimal edits to complete. I have luxurious chocolate waiting as a reward - though I'm afraid that if I open it before I have something to reward myself for, I'll eat the whole thing in one sitting (not what I want to do with an $8 chocolate bar!) Of course, I have a whole ****load more work than that, but just that one task is all I am trying to do. I'm having a terrible time with it. I don't have my ADD meds yet, and I'm a little panicky, but I'm also afraid to take the hydroxyzine the pdoc gave me for anxiety because it might make me too drowsy to function at all. So far I'm just barely holding back tears. I don't know what to do with myself when I get like this. I know I'm making it worse in at least 10 ways and can't make myself do anything about it (at least I ate some ramen, that did help.) And whining isn't going to make it better, either; I should probably just take a hydroxyzine and shut up. ![]()
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
#2
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Can you do the one report, have some of the chocolate, take 1/2 the pill, and then see how it goes with the rest of the work?
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Qui Cantat Bis Orat ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 3 mg Gabapentin 300 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily Mania Sept/Oct 2024 Mania (July/August 2024) Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) |
![]() AniManiac
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#3
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I'm so sorry, AniManiac, that your T appointment wasn't more helpful today. I'll bet that chocolate bar is going to be so good when you get to enjoy it.
Good luck and (((Hugs!))) Bluemountains |
![]() AniManiac
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#4
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Thanks Moose & bluemountains. I got one step done, so now I'm having a little piece of the chocolate. And I'm taking the pill - it doesn't really split in half, I'm allowed 1-2 pills twice a day but have no experience with it so I'm a little leery of what it will do. The rest of my chocolate "ration" for the day is sitting out ready to reward finishing the task. It's a Vosges Haut Chocolat Mo's Dark Bar, with 62% dark chocolate and bacon. So delicious!
I suspect that I'm feeling this way because my Wellbutrin has been decreased again, before increasing Lamictal to compensate (which gets increased again tomorrow). The sun isn't supposed to come back out for another 5 days, but hopefully I will feel better before then...
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
#5
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(((AniManiac))) I was about to say the same as Moose. Say to yourself that you will do ONE teensy weensy edit. If you don't feel like any more after that, permit yourself to stop. But I bet you will. Anyhow you've done that now
![]() I know it's not easy to do academic work when you feel depressed. I undertook (and was forced to drop out of) a PhD and was hospitalised for depression for about a year during it. Prior to that it was well-nigh impossible to do any work. Em... bacon?? |
![]() AniManiac
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#6
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![]() Mmm, bacon chocolate. The best of two worlds.
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dx: bipolar I - lamictal 150mg/risperdal 3mg/klonopin .5mg "Neither a lofty degree of intelligence, nor imagination, nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, that is the soul of genius." --Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart |
![]() AniManiac
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#7
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I'm right there with you Ani, I wish I had sone magic words to turn it around for you. Good for you though, your biting it off in little pieces ( not the chocolate )
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![]() AniManiac
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#8
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Thanks, all - I got the report finished and sent out. Even did a few other piddly tasks that I'd set for myself this morning before I got all freaked out. I think maybe the hydroxyzine helped, the panic has definitely passed.
I also ordered a light therapy thingy, so I'll see how well that helps counteract the grey sky blues.
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
#9
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Quote:
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
#10
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Congrats on getting those done! Hoping it all works out, somehow I think it will.
![]() Omg. I said this exact thing a few hours ago to BF. |
![]() AniManiac
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#11
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Quote:
Oddly enough, I was more or less able to continue teaching classes - but zero research. Wouldn't someone have complained by now if there was really an issue? Or are they not that close to your work? Maybe they just expect to see the final result on time. Can you ask for an extension, or anything like that (I'm in Europe - don't really know the system in US)? As for cognitively impaired... I feel like I can't do anything right in work - getting into more and more pickles because of it. As you say - it is not the best for confidence. I hope you start to feel better soon AniManiac. |
![]() AniManiac
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#12
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Quote:
I can graduate at any time; the challenge is that I've accepted an offer for a postdoc that's set to start in August, so I need to provide proof of degree by July. So that's a hard deadline, which is generally good for motivating me to really get the lead out - inasmuch as I can, at any rate. It gets even more frustrating when it's so inconsistent. Yesterday and this morning I was in a complete fog and feeling awful; now I'm definitely, definitely hypomanic. Gonna take advantage of that by trying to focus on getting a little writing done...
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
![]() Beebizzy, roads
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#13
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And now, for something completely different!
![]() Woke up groggy-headed and slow, scored really low on my mood evaluation, and then took my meds. By mid-morning, I was high as a kite! Yep, increased the Lamictal this morning. Woohoo! Feels great, less fattening! ![]() Realized I was getting wound up when I decided that I suddenly had to try to make a knotted necklace with pendant that I found while geocaching. I got it partway done and realized I cut the wax cord too short. Rats. Abandoned, for now. Later I will dissect it and remake it into a bracelet. I wrote two sections of dissertation stuff, but I stopped working in time to actually leave on time for a meeting on campus. On the way to my meeting with my advisor, I came up with a poem about hiking because I was wearing my hiking boots because it's muddy. I also concocted brilliant knitted hat pattern concept with a reversible brim and soft drapey shape. Then I decided I'll make some cornbread from scratch to go with the bean soup for dinner. And I should be able to finish a couple more sections of dissertation writing this afternoon, no problem! All in the 17 minutes from my door to campus. Then I meet with my advisor, he asks if everything is stable, and I laugh. No, not hardly. But this is a good day, I'm going to do ALL THE THINGS! I got a ginormous coconut milk bubble tea on my walk home. I deserve a reward for getting through my meeting relatively coherently! And now I will go write as many pages of dissertation in the next hour and a half as I did in the last two days. ![]() But at the same time that this feels really great, I know it's temporary, and won't last more than a few days. So I'm trying to get a little work done and get as much out of the "up time" that I can. Never fear, I'm not going to do anything rash. Other than start an ill-begotten knitting project, perhaps.
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com Last edited by AniManiac; Dec 06, 2011 at 03:55 PM. Reason: left out a bunch of words because I'm all distracto-girl! |
#14
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Quote:
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![]() AniManiac
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#15
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Do you think it was the hydroxyzine that moved you into hypomania? Of course take advantage of it! --just pay attention to you. Don't want to move any further along in the "-ic" direction.
![]() You're keeping a Mood Journal, right? If the hydroxyzine really got you from the fog to hypomania & you can stay there for awhile without going forward into a crash, you may be close to finding your cocktail. It couldn't happen to a more deserving woman currently writing tiny chunks of a sub-chapter of a dissertation who's not crying. Honest. ![]() ![]()
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roads & Charlie |
![]() AniManiac
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#16
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Quote:
But I took the Lamictal this morning, and I think the increase in dose from 50mg to 75mg is what set me off. I'm keeping a mood journal (and chart) so definitely taking notes on what changes from day to day. I took my meds around 8 AM and first noticed I was perking up in mood around 9:30. I noticed this happened when I first started the Lamictal, too - had about 3 days of really nice hypomania except the distractability was a little out of control, so I didn't get much done. This time, I'm prepared!
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disorderlychickadee.wordpress.com |
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#17
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I forgot to mention the part where I was talking to my advisor yesterday and started up the "blue streak," talking really fast about all the work that I'd gotten done in the morning (which is more than I'd done in the past 2 weeks.
![]() I wrote a full section of a case study description, made the from-scratch cornbread, and worked on my hubby's b-day socks. All in all, a very productive day! And I still feel great today, despite heavy gray skies, so I'm going to try to get another section of this case study finished, plus a few other sundry tasks. Here's hoping I can keep up the pace for a couple days and get this chapter written!
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