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  #1  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 01:21 PM
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AniManiac AniManiac is offline
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My mood is getting grayer and grayer as the day goes on. So is the sky.

I got some things done this morning before my T appointment but afterward, I just want to cry. It's not like there was anything triggering about the T appt, aside from having to go to a T at all (which is still pretty new for me). And I don't know what to work on, which feels like performance pressure to me.

I set myself just one task for this afternoon. I just have edit and send out a report that's already fully written, and I only have minimal edits to complete. I have luxurious chocolate waiting as a reward - though I'm afraid that if I open it before I have something to reward myself for, I'll eat the whole thing in one sitting (not what I want to do with an $8 chocolate bar!)

Of course, I have a whole ****load more work than that, but just that one task is all I am trying to do. I'm having a terrible time with it. I don't have my ADD meds yet, and I'm a little panicky, but I'm also afraid to take the hydroxyzine the pdoc gave me for anxiety because it might make me too drowsy to function at all. So far I'm just barely holding back tears.

I don't know what to do with myself when I get like this. I know I'm making it worse in at least 10 ways and can't make myself do anything about it (at least I ate some ramen, that did help.) And whining isn't going to make it better, either; I should probably just take a hydroxyzine and shut up.

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  #2  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 01:29 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is offline
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Can you do the one report, have some of the chocolate, take 1/2 the pill, and then see how it goes with the rest of the work?
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  #3  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 01:34 PM
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bluemountains bluemountains is offline
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I'm so sorry, AniManiac, that your T appointment wasn't more helpful today. I'll bet that chocolate bar is going to be so good when you get to enjoy it.

Good luck and (((Hugs!)))

Bluemountains
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  #4  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 01:53 PM
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Thanks Moose & bluemountains. I got one step done, so now I'm having a little piece of the chocolate. And I'm taking the pill - it doesn't really split in half, I'm allowed 1-2 pills twice a day but have no experience with it so I'm a little leery of what it will do. The rest of my chocolate "ration" for the day is sitting out ready to reward finishing the task. It's a Vosges Haut Chocolat Mo's Dark Bar, with 62% dark chocolate and bacon. So delicious!

I suspect that I'm feeling this way because my Wellbutrin has been decreased again, before increasing Lamictal to compensate (which gets increased again tomorrow). The sun isn't supposed to come back out for another 5 days, but hopefully I will feel better before then...
  #5  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 02:12 PM
Beebizzy Beebizzy is offline
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(((AniManiac))) I was about to say the same as Moose. Say to yourself that you will do ONE teensy weensy edit. If you don't feel like any more after that, permit yourself to stop. But I bet you will. Anyhow you've done that now

I know it's not easy to do academic work when you feel depressed. I undertook (and was forced to drop out of) a PhD and was hospitalised for depression for about a year during it. Prior to that it was well-nigh impossible to do any work.

Em... bacon??
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  #6  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 03:28 PM
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Hard enough when you're feeling down for any reason, much less when it's gray and cold and overcast outside. I am sending good thoughts (and more chocolate) your way!

Mmm, bacon chocolate. The best of two worlds.
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  #7  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 05:13 PM
Anonymous32507
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I'm right there with you Ani, I wish I had sone magic words to turn it around for you. Good for you though, your biting it off in little pieces ( not the chocolate ) that too tho. I hope you start to feel better real soon. ((((Ani))))
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  #8  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 05:39 PM
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Thanks, all - I got the report finished and sent out. Even did a few other piddly tasks that I'd set for myself this morning before I got all freaked out. I think maybe the hydroxyzine helped, the panic has definitely passed.

I also ordered a light therapy thingy, so I'll see how well that helps counteract the grey sky blues.
  #9  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beebizzy View Post
(((AniManiac))) I was about to say the same as Moose. Say to yourself that you will do ONE teensy weensy edit. If you don't feel like any more after that, permit yourself to stop. But I bet you will. Anyhow you've done that now

I know it's not easy to do academic work when you feel depressed. I undertook (and was forced to drop out of) a PhD and was hospitalised for depression for about a year during it. Prior to that it was well-nigh impossible to do any work.

Em... bacon??
It's really doing a number on my self-confidence to be so cognitively screwed up. Academic work is hard under the best circumstances, and these aren't that. I spent 3 months last winter unable to do anything on my dissertation, and I desperately want to avoid that happening again. At this point, I don't even know how I work - because previously, I wouldn't work when depressed but would more than make up for it when hypomanic, so I ended up just waiting for the hypomania to kick in and then I'd get everything done. And then some. With the meds, I can't count on that saving grace, so now I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep up. I'm already well behind on my writing timeline, but I just have to keep trying and hope it works out.
  #10  
Old Dec 05, 2011, 07:14 PM
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Congrats on getting those done! Hoping it all works out, somehow I think it will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AniManiac View Post
It's really doing a number on my self-confidence to be so cognitively screwed up...
Omg. I said this exact thing a few hours ago to BF.
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  #11  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 02:23 PM
Beebizzy Beebizzy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AniManiac View Post
It's really doing a number on my self-confidence to be so cognitively screwed up. Academic work is hard under the best circumstances, and these aren't that. I spent 3 months last winter unable to do anything on my dissertation, and I desperately want to avoid that happening again. At this point, I don't even know how I work - because previously, I wouldn't work when depressed but would more than make up for it when hypomanic, so I ended up just waiting for the hypomania to kick in and then I'd get everything done. And then some. With the meds, I can't count on that saving grace, so now I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep up. I'm already well behind on my writing timeline, but I just have to keep trying and hope it works out.
Don't tell me... I completely understand. I think I did nothing for like a year - I was getting letters and calls from my supervisor saying he expected to see something (not unreasonably). The thing is, I was on a merit-based scholarship, and the guy in charge of it finally wrote to me saying they couldn't pay me any more.

Oddly enough, I was more or less able to continue teaching classes - but zero research.

Wouldn't someone have complained by now if there was really an issue? Or are they not that close to your work? Maybe they just expect to see the final result on time.

Can you ask for an extension, or anything like that (I'm in Europe - don't really know the system in US)?

As for cognitively impaired... I feel like I can't do anything right in work - getting into more and more pickles because of it. As you say - it is not the best for confidence.

I hope you start to feel better soon AniManiac.
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  #12  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 03:36 PM
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AniManiac AniManiac is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beebizzy View Post
Wouldn't someone have complained by now if there was really an issue? Or are they not that close to your work? Maybe they just expect to see the final result on time.

Can you ask for an extension, or anything like that (I'm in Europe - don't really know the system in US)?
I'm keeping up alright overall - my advisor is monitoring my progress fairly closely, but the main expectation is that the final result will be ready by the time it's needed.

I can graduate at any time; the challenge is that I've accepted an offer for a postdoc that's set to start in August, so I need to provide proof of degree by July. So that's a hard deadline, which is generally good for motivating me to really get the lead out - inasmuch as I can, at any rate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beebizzy View Post
As for cognitively impaired... I feel like I can't do anything right in work - getting into more and more pickles because of it. As you say - it is not the best for confidence.
It gets even more frustrating when it's so inconsistent. Yesterday and this morning I was in a complete fog and feeling awful; now I'm definitely, definitely hypomanic. Gonna take advantage of that by trying to focus on getting a little writing done...
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  #13  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 03:51 PM
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And now, for something completely different!

Woke up groggy-headed and slow, scored really low on my mood evaluation, and then took my meds. By mid-morning, I was high as a kite! Yep, increased the Lamictal this morning. Woohoo! Feels great, less fattening!

Realized I was getting wound up when I decided that I suddenly had to try to make a knotted necklace with pendant that I found while geocaching. I got it partway done and realized I cut the wax cord too short. Rats. Abandoned, for now. Later I will dissect it and remake it into a bracelet. I wrote two sections of dissertation stuff, but I stopped working in time to actually leave on time for a meeting on campus. On the way to my meeting with my advisor, I came up with a poem about hiking because I was wearing my hiking boots because it's muddy. I also concocted brilliant knitted hat pattern concept with a reversible brim and soft drapey shape. Then I decided I'll make some cornbread from scratch to go with the bean soup for dinner. And I should be able to finish a couple more sections of dissertation writing this afternoon, no problem! All in the 17 minutes from my door to campus. Then I meet with my advisor, he asks if everything is stable, and I laugh. No, not hardly. But this is a good day, I'm going to do ALL THE THINGS! I got a ginormous coconut milk bubble tea on my walk home. I deserve a reward for getting through my meeting relatively coherently!

And now I will go write as many pages of dissertation in the next hour and a half as I did in the last two days.



But at the same time that this feels really great, I know it's temporary, and won't last more than a few days. So I'm trying to get a little work done and get as much out of the "up time" that I can. Never fear, I'm not going to do anything rash. Other than start an ill-begotten knitting project, perhaps.

Last edited by AniManiac; Dec 06, 2011 at 03:55 PM. Reason: left out a bunch of words because I'm all distracto-girl!
  #14  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by AniManiac View Post
...But at the same time that this feels really great, I know it's temporary, and won't last more than a few days. So I'm trying to get a little work done and get as much out of the "up time" that I can. Never fear, I'm not going to do anything rash...
Glad to hear you are feeling better, AniManiac! Enjoy!
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  #15  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 04:04 PM
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Do you think it was the hydroxyzine that moved you into hypomania? Of course take advantage of it! --just pay attention to you. Don't want to move any further along in the "-ic" direction.

You're keeping a Mood Journal, right? If the hydroxyzine really got you from the fog to hypomania & you can stay there for awhile without going forward into a crash, you may be close to finding your cocktail.

It couldn't happen to a more deserving woman currently writing tiny chunks of a sub-chapter of a dissertation who's not crying. Honest.
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  #16  
Old Dec 06, 2011, 04:52 PM
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AniManiac AniManiac is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep View Post
Do you think it was the hydroxyzine that moved you into hypomania? Of course take advantage of it! --just pay attention to you. Don't want to move any further along in the "-ic" direction.

You're keeping a Mood Journal, right? If the hydroxyzine really got you from the fog to hypomania & you can stay there for awhile without going forward into a crash, you may be close to finding your cocktail.

It couldn't happen to a more deserving woman currently writing tiny chunks of a sub-chapter of a dissertation who's not crying. Honest.
I think the hydroxyzine, yesterday afternoon, was what made me groggy. That's the second day in a row I woke up feeling fuzzy-headed, after two days of taking the hydroxyzine in the PM, and that had really been noticeably better since I started the Lamictal.

But I took the Lamictal this morning, and I think the increase in dose from 50mg to 75mg is what set me off.

I'm keeping a mood journal (and chart) so definitely taking notes on what changes from day to day. I took my meds around 8 AM and first noticed I was perking up in mood around 9:30. I noticed this happened when I first started the Lamictal, too - had about 3 days of really nice hypomania except the distractability was a little out of control, so I didn't get much done. This time, I'm prepared!
Thanks for this!
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  #17  
Old Dec 07, 2011, 08:25 AM
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AniManiac AniManiac is offline
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I forgot to mention the part where I was talking to my advisor yesterday and started up the "blue streak," talking really fast about all the work that I'd gotten done in the morning (which is more than I'd done in the past 2 weeks. ) Yeah, it's no wonder that others notice my mood swings...

I wrote a full section of a case study description, made the from-scratch cornbread, and worked on my hubby's b-day socks. All in all, a very productive day! And I still feel great today, despite heavy gray skies, so I'm going to try to get another section of this case study finished, plus a few other sundry tasks. Here's hoping I can keep up the pace for a couple days and get this chapter written!
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