[passionpearl]

I just need a place to vent.

My life sucks right now. Well actually it's been sucking for years...and it keeps getting worse.

So it started when I was 7 or 8...Dad was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and my mother. I started to self-injure. Became incredibly depressed. School sucked (overweight child). Fast forward. After high school I met my first husband (Bipolar, Juvenile diabetic, self-injurious for attention, drug addict, alcoholic). We did drugs together, he attempted suicide twice, I left him after the second time, then we dated once he started getting his life back together (I was trying to "fix" him, realized only he could, etc). Things were going fairly well. Then he died.

Fast forward. I meet a wonderful man on the Internet (my current husband). During our relationship I discovered that I'm Bipolar after a horrendous manic episode. A couple years after that I finally tell my husband about my other symptoms. After I told my pdoc, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Have been trying different combinations of meds to relieve symptoms. Oh, and for good measure, an anxiety/panic disorder was added to the mix.

As if my mental health wasn't bad enough, I get physical conditions thrown on top of the cake. I've had a couple of surgeries. My second one went fine, but resulted in blood clots traveling from my legs to my lungs. Was treated for that (but kept on smoking). Four years later I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst. Because I was off my feet and I was smoking like a chimney...a MASSIVE blood clot found it's way to my lungs. Tests were run, I have a clotting disorder that makes me clot 3x more than normal. Coumadin for life. I did stop smoking. Then this year I was diagnosed with Scoliosis, which explains the nasty back pain. Also have beginning stages of Glaucoma, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, I'm anemic and vitamin D deficient.

I know this is long. I know other people have it worse than me. But all this crap sucks. I wanted at least 1 child (although I didn't want to pass down mental issues), but with clotting disorders plus all the meds I'm on now, it would be tough to change over to new meds that are safe, plus having the Ovary Syndrome makes it harder to have a baby. I've just about given up on that one. I have to be careful not to injure myself or I could bleed for quite some time, or internally.

My anxiety meds need to be changed, I'm slowly switching mood stabilizers. I'm constantly depressed, although this last week I've been hypomanic. I haven't self-injured in over 5 months, but I'm seriously wanting to. I don't feel like I have anything to live for. I feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage so maybe he'll find someone else if I die. I've made plans and arranged things for my husband. Things look up briefly, but always is followed by worse things. I'm seeing a counselor, but he thinks the tools he's given me to help my depression should work and he stopped working on anything else.

I have very few people I can talk to, and most of them I don't want to bother with all my crap (which they don't understand anyway). My husband supports me 200% and is my best friend, but I withdraw from everything and I feel like I'm slipping farther away. I don't want to fight this anymore...it's almost like I can't.

Sorry this is so long.

passionpearl! Don't worry about a long post! Sometimes there's just a lot to say, you know? I'm not really sure what to say, but wanted to give you a and let you know that we're here to listen. There are so many good, caring people here. Glad you found the forums and welcome!

[roads]

I'm glad you found this forum. Post as often & as long as you want/need. That's what we do here. Look around ... You'll see I mean it!

You do have a plate-load of woe right now. One of the toughest things for a woman to come up against is realizing she may not be bearing children when she wants to. That is a singular kind of blow. It takes a miracle sometimes to get past it, but ,aybe you & your husband can find one.

I'm so glad you quit smoking! Me too, a 3-pk/day habit. Now, your doing that is sooo impressive! What gave you the strength for that?

Have you asked your counselor to design a new goals strategy with you? If he isn't open to that you may need to move on to someone with other skills.

Please keep coming back. Lots of support here, just for the asking.

[passionpearl]

Thanks for the responses so far . I was amazed at how easy it was to quit smoking this time. This last February I was diagnosed with another blood clot(s) in my lungs. I discovered this time that to get to my lungs, the clots have to go through my heart first. I can even tell you when that happened. I had the most excruciating pain in my chest (I knew something was wrong), and the next day I went into the hospital to discover the clot. Which could have killed me...both times. I got the hint...smoking helped to create those clots, so I was scared into quitting. I still get urges, don't get me wrong, but coming close to death like that made it a much easier task.

It's weird...I dream that I'm smoking still and wake up scared that I've smoked and ruined everything. I've been smoke free since February. I'm amazed I did it, and it's one thing in my life that I'm actually proud of.

Another good piece of news, my pdoc upped my anxiety med so I can taper off the other one since it could be the culprit of my coughing/wheezing. Not everything is horrible, and I know I should be thankful for what I have (blah blah), but all of the bad things keep jumping in front of me. *sigh* I feel pathetic, useless, drained (lack of sleep). I hear my bed calling me.

[expressiveone]

Passion, I understand you are having a hard time and I have been feeling the same way as you...I also have PCOS, and its hard having something to look forward to when you are unsure if it will ever actually happen. On the upside, we really never know what will happen and anything is really possible so I just try not to focus on the "maybe never" thoughts and stay in the now and think about what I have going on right now(I can really only do that half of the time...but you get what I am saying right??). Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I understand how you are feeling

[lad007]

You are right, people don't understand how we feel, and you get sick of trying to explain it to them, and sometimes when you do explain it, it sounds odd.
So you are not alone, and I am very glad you posted, because the people here do understand. Things do look up briefly and then it's back to the same old issues. Gets old. Hope tomorrow is a better day.