Delusional yesterday...today wondering what happened

So yesterday I was writing in my journal about how I hate myself and everyone would be better off if I was dead. I was obsessing over how I want my husband to leave me because he can find someone better than me and I was convinced that I don't deserve love and I deserve to be tortured and punished for the horrible person that I am. I wrote about how I missed the old me and I don't know how to find her. After writing in my journal I preceded to go into my room and tell my husband that I want him to hate me and not forgive me for the things I have done to him and how he deserves someone better. After fighting his love for about an hour, literally convinced that I was evil, somehow I snapped out of it and had a good day for the rest of the day. Has anyone experienced something like this? Have you been so convinced of being this horrible, evil, unworthy person of any forgiveness and hating oneself that you truly believe this. I was convinced and never had such strong conviction. I just don't understand what to make of it or what to tell my pdoc tomorrow at my appt. Right now I know I was delusional yesterday...but it felt so real. I truly believed it to be truth and had accepted my fate of going to hell and such...Is this depression or something more extreme that is going on? I just don't understand. I am feeling like I am losing myself.

Delusional? I hear ya. I was C0NVINCED my bf was going to announce that he's marrying some random chic he met on the street! I sms'd him to eff off. Only realised 2 weeks later that no such thing was going to happen. Even made peace with the 'break-up' and ALM0ST went on a date with another guy! Anywaaay, I don't have any answers, just wanted you to know that you're not alone. (btw bf and i are trying to recover from that last 'episode')

I relate to this so much! I have felt exactly that way, and not just in my adult life but as a child. When I was a little girl (like 9, 10, 11 years old,) I firmly believed that I was evil and I was the reason my mom got cancer and was dying. I believed it was all my fault and if I hadn't been born she would have been safe. And after she died I was so sure I had killed her somehow.

I have gone through many phases where I think I'm so evil or worthless I punish myself. There have been times when I just don't eat, because only "good people" get to eat, even if I'm so hungry I'm in tears. Or times when I have SI problems. I'm not a cutter but I am a hitter and I have left many bruises and lumps, scratches, pinching, etc.

I often feel like I"m a burden, or annoying, and don't deserve love or happiness because I'm just a horrible person. And for a long, long time as a teenager I believed I was cursed and that anyone in contact with me would also be cursed to have bad things happen.

And I can say yes, these are probably really bad delusions, because they do go away and I think "wow, that was terrible." And this is a big thing of what bipolar means to me. Because I have felt like this so many times in life but then, I also have many times in life where I thought I was the most important person on the planet. That I'm not only the best at things but a super genius who deservs great rewards and recognitions. That people are fools to stand in my way. You know, that whole over inflated self-esteem. I've also had the delusions of being all powerful in a magical way.

Oh Jeez Darkheart,
I often felt extreme guilt as a child and I distinctly remembering telling my dad that I hated myself because I was "happy" that my grandpa was dead and I was "happy" about that. Of course that wasn't true(I was 9), and couldn't even remember him(He died when I was 3). But something inside me told myself that I "thought" this(among many others) and believed things that aren't actually true. It is very scary and as if it is not really me( in hindsight, of course)..

I had recurring nightmares and thought someone was going to kill me as a child and anything and everything bad that could happen to someone would happen to me. I continue to have nightmares that either someone is chasing me to try to kill me, or that someone is pointing out how "bad" I am.

I do feel like a burden, like I have nothing to offer and I truly don't believe I am worth that much...even though people tell me that is not true and that I am a "delight" to be around. I wonder to myself..."Why do they think that?" I tell myself, "They just say nice things to me because they think they have to...they don't really believe that."

I think I am ugly, a burden, selfish, self-absorbed, all around F***ed up, and I avoid my friends now. The truth is I have nothing good to say. I can't even bring myself to make "small talk" because I am so lost and constantly obsessing in my head about things.

At this point I am beyond tired and restless. I feel like I am merely existing and there is not much to it other than that, and I think to myself, "what is the f***ing point?" "Am I going to have to go through till the end of my days this way?"

I was always able to ignore this and push away these negative thoughts up until the past couple of years. It has progressively gotten worse and worse, except for the few times that I have felt " on top of the world". During those times I think I can do anything I want, there are no consequences...I question if I am psychic from time to time...I mean I honestly think I am psychic. WTH??! During these times, I grossly exaggerate anything and everything about myself. It can be quite embarrassing at times.

Over the past week I have thought about cutting myself with a knife and the obsession can last anywhere from a few minutes to an hour. I try to wish it away, but the urge just gets stronger and stronger...instead of actually hurting myself, I stare at the wall, as I have done throughout my whole life and everything goes through my mind like a blur.
Each day feels like a blur. Anything I can remember about my past is negative and I am unable to see the future.

It's as though I can live with myself in this world one minute, and then in an instant, it is the opposite. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but, to me, it is not really reachable. Just hopeless.

I cried a lot yesterday, but for the most part I just feel empty and hollow. I have such little will that most of the time I don't even come to tears or feel anything at all. I avoid my husband, avoid meaningful conversations, avoid intimacy, all because of guilt. All I feel is guilt.

Yes, I relate to everything that you have said! I have those same thoughts and feelings. That "why was I born anyway." And how when people tell me I'm not ugly or not a burden my brain counters them with the whole "they are just saying that." Or "yeah, sure whatever."

I remember I used to think I was going to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.... >.> Now I am happy if I can write a paragraph of a story every day. And yeah, that whole psychic thing. I actually believed for a while that I had some sort of power, I can't remember what it was exactly, but it was something to do with keeping all the positive energy in my neighborhood and life would not flurish without me. That was during the time when I may have been having a really big episode.

So yeah, I understand!

But what has helped me is my kids. Because I lost my mom and I know how terrible it is without her, I really strive to stay healthy for my kids. I don't want to leave them and I don't want them to go through what I did.