back at square one * cross-posting *

previously posted in Caretaker Leo's daily check inl depression thread

I'm cross-posting because I've decided I do want some feedback. Even if it's just, "Please! Get over it!"

I'm now back on pretty much the same meds I was on 2+ yrs ago when I left hospital & started seeing pdoc. This depression slide started in Feb, became a dive early summer--we've tried & abandoned 3 meds. Side effects.

Coming into the holidays in this state was NOT supposed to happen. I jumped on this thing fast, knowing it could take time. THIS is what I feared coming to. I meet him Tues & I'm torn btw presenting myself to him fully hopeless or in the anger I feel both for the disease & the treatment.

I'm the lab rat in the cage, & the best he can do is stand there & throw meds at me & see what they do? Rat wants to BITE stupid pdoc for not knowing enough.

Roadrunner
Im so sorry you are going thru all this.. Yes indeed I think all of are or become "lab rats" at some point .. I wish i had wonderful words of wisdom but I dont Im muddling thru my life and feeling lost myself ...

The only thing I can say is let your Pdoc know how you feel the good and the bad.. I have been that way at a few visits ... I make damn sure he knows im mad sad unhappy and tired of all the pills literally being handed out like candy .

Just know your not alone and its ok to mad about this !!

Take care of you no matter what

Im sorry its so rough for you. It seems that the Holidays make thing tougher on us who suffer from bp. Tues just tell the pdoc how you feel about everything .

roadrunner, I feel just awful that you are going thru this AGAIN!!

Make the best of that hour or 45 min you have with T. Throw it all at him, hopeless, angry, what ever it takes. Tell him what you just wrote here. You're tired & need something to give you hope. Hope that the future will get better.

I know you're a fighter, but they get new gloves every now & then. (If ya know what I mean). You have hung in there all these months, worked a job & came on here & given us so many words of wisdom. It's time for you to get some relief, you deserve it. We all want you better!!

Sending many, many good thoughts your way.

roadrunner, so sorry to hear it keeps being so craptastic for you.

Do you see a separate therapist? Seems to me that displaying the hopeless to the pdoc would be more likely to get you what you need, and a T would help you process the anger. Maybe. I don't really know how these things work - still a total n00b at managing the mental health care racket.

Anyway, much sympathy. I think you should let it all out and let the professionals sort it. That's what they get paid the big bucks for, after all.

Hey you...

I wish you weren't suffering like this, and I understand your frustration completely.

To answer the question I would let him see both the hopelessness and the anger, because the anger is all about a deeper hopelessness.

I'm being very careful here because I don't want to be triggering, but it sounds like part of your anger is about how you've done everything you can to avoid being in this position, you couldn't have done any more, so what does that say about recovering from it when it can do what it wants.

He needs to hear that because there's a danger of eventually stopping trying, and also because if experience teaches you that nothing works, the treatment that will work most likely won't be as effective (if at all). I'm a great believer in the power of the mind, especially where medicines are concerned.

Aside from all of that, you say: "THIS is what I feared coming to." What exactly is it you fear? If it's being alone at Christmas with your depression, I assure you, I'll be right here when and if you need a friend. All day. And Boxing Day.

There was something else... what was it?

Oh! You're awesome!!!

Hey Roadrunner - no amazing words to solve this, but just wanted to give one of these - ((((roadrunner)))) - and I think you are awesome too - Soup

Thanks, everyone.

I'm seeing a new therapist, just had our second mtg. I'm trying to tug my mask off & get him in to the ground-level me so we can cut to the chase & work on stuff. I haven't done more than sketch in this problem. He's aware of it & willing to deal, but I think it's something I need to get pdoc to attend to. I feel like I'm on his back burner & right now I wanna be front and center.

I don't do holidays. I don't celebrate Christmas or New Years. Most of my friends have accepted that & I'm left to do my shelter & nursing homes visits & other things that mean something to me. But a few friends persist, so that takes energy & my activities take lots of energy. Now all I have energy for on my two weeks holiday is to rest. THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN.

Sorry. Shouldn't yell at you.

Roadrunner

That's okay, we can take it - we're just holograms!

hee hee hee

Eh, sometimes you gotta yell.

Now I get you. And then before you know it, the quiet bit will be over and it's back to chipping away at the coal face.

Could you get away somewhere, maybe? They say a change is as good as a rest (certainly works for me), and it might give you that extra oomph to enjoy yourself and your time off without feeling overtired.

*sending some positive energy*

(((Roadrunner)))