As many of you know, I have been hospitalized 9 times over the past 3 years (from 16 to 19 years old). I'm 19 years old at the moment. The last time I was hospitalized and SIed was over 7 months ago. Lots happened during these hospitalizations. Diagnoses, therapies, medications, ECT treatments. Sometimes months spent in the hospital. 2 suicide attempts (1 genuine), and lots of self-injury.

I was at a point where suicide was my back up plan - if the depression became too hard to cope with, I would simply kill myself. It was a comfort to me, a shield. My last hospitalization, I realized how toxic that thinking was to my recovery, and decided that suicide was no longer an option. I also decided that self-injury was no longer an option.

I have been true to my word so far, no suicidal thinking,intent, or self-injury since then, except for a couple of flitting thoughts these past 7 months...which is pretty darn good! I have had depressed days, or even depressed weeks, since...but have gotten through them without resorting to the extremes I used to.

I feel like I should remember these past 3 years so clearly, because such significant things have happened. But it feels like a blur, like a former lifetime ago. It almost feels like it happened to somebody else...or didn't even happen at all. I suppose I should be grateful...but it makes me uneasy that my mind could just forget such a significant block of time in my life so easily.

Can anybody relate to this?

[Trippin2.0]

I believe it's blurry b.c it was traumatic. I've learned these past 2 yrs some of the extremes our minds may resort to, in order to shield us. Please don't worry about it, i assure you, it's ok. That is unless you want to remember in 1st person detail, for whichever personal reasons you may have... XOXO

[Resident Bipolar]

Firstly...well done on such a good recovery. It's really good to see how far you've come, and I can tell from your post that you really think in the 'DBT Way', I long for the day I can do the same.

As for the past being a blur, that is most likely due to a few factors. The biggest being that the past 3 years have been so traumatic and such a rollercoaster ride...that your brain (mainly the Limbic System and Temporal Lobe) automatically chooses to try and push them towards the back of the areas controlling memory. Along with that, bipolar disorder does interfere with memory, and so do medications - therefore the times in which you bipolar were worse, are more a blur and less recallable than times in reasonable mental functioning.

It's totally normally, most of memories whilst being in a psychiatric unit are also quite blurry...and the ones I can relive in first person I would much rather forget.

Well done though. You've done tremendously in getting where you are now.

RB ♥

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

...I feel like I should remember these past 3 years so clearly, because such significant things have happened. But it feels like a blur, like a former lifetime ago. It almost feels like it happened to somebody else...or didn't even happen at all. I suppose I should be grateful...but it makes me uneasy that my mind could just forget such a significant block of time in my life so easily...Can anybody relate to this?

Oh yes. It's often struck me how when I am in one place, the other is so unreal. I know intellectually such and such things, but because my head is not there at that time, I can't feel it... just how very intense it was. I know it was real, but I can't quite believe it somehow. I have some clear memories (I can "see" myself and remember thoughts) that I can recite, but can't remember when one happened in relation to another, when exactly they happened or large chunks of time for that matter. To be fair, I'm totally "time-challenged" as it is, so that's not overly surprising, but it's kind of embarrasing not to be able to string it all together in any kind of logical sense.

Added: Wow, re-reading this, it sounds so non-sensical. It's so hard to describe(!) But at least I know you guys know what I mean.

[dragonfly2]

I recently went through some of my old journals and found a lot of things that I simply don't remember. Some of it was as RB said - the memories were too traumatic. However, like you, I also had ECT during some of that time in the hospital and I think that may also be partly responsible for the lack of clear memories of that time.

Whatever the reason for the fuzzy memories, you've come out the other side stronger and wiser. Be proud of a job well done.

[RapidFlyer]

Congratulations on such wonderful progress over the past 7 months!!! You have worked hard and have come through a tremendous amount to get where you are now. Give your self a pat on the back.

I am very familiar with the memories of the trauma of what has gone before slipping away. I have also come to be very grateful for it. My mind only holds onto what it is capable of holding onto safely. I no longer need that horrible stuff so it lets it go.

Through journal entries I keep enough information so that if I hit an upswing or downswing I can catch it early enough to work with my docs pronto.

I wish you the best and Hope you can learn to enjoy and accept some fuzziness in your memories.

[Beebizzy]

Melissa congratulations on your fantastic progress!

I know what you mean, my last hospitalisation feels like it happened to someone else as well. Like Innerzone says, I know it happened, but I can't really 'believe' it. It's like recalling a historical fact - it happened, but I wasn't there. The hospitalisations before that I remember slightly better actually, but they still seem unreal.

Mind you, the last hospitalisation was 12/13 years ago LOL not 7 months ago.

I fully agree with what others have said, that your memory shuts down to protect you from things that are too painful. In a way it's 'proof' that you were there and it did happen. Personally I'm quite happy not to remember it. I also had ECT during that time, so I always put the lack of memory down to that.

I also self-harmed a lot back then. Until recently I considered that whole era of my life finished. I hadn't been on any medication in many years and believed I was symptom-free. I wasn't. I was self-medicating with alcohol. When I stopped that in August, I went way down, then up.

That's when it became somewhat necessary to remember the hospitalisations, because I had to explain everything to my current pdoc and reel off the medications I'd been on etc.

Melissa again well done on your perseverance and strength.

[AniManiac]

Melissa, your recovery is really inspiring! I'm proud of you for taking charge and turning things around. It's an enormous accomplishment, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

My guess on the memory issues are 1) the prior explanation of it being traumatic, and 2) as RB said, a lot of treatments (esp. ECT) and meds will lead to some memory loss. Your brain was being jerked around a lot, so it probably shouldn't be too surprising that there is some residual brain fuzz. Oh and 3) what someone else said about BP screwing with memory and cognitive function - yes, yes, yes.

Warning: potential trigger below...

I had a conversation with my brother over Thanksgiving where he reminded me that I had promised to take my mom's and (other) brother's ashes and spread them in the mountains. I can't remember that at all, and it's exactly the kind of thing I should remember! I felt really bad about it when he said something to the effect of the rest of our family gathering dust in his basement - though he was just being frank and not at all mean or anything. And then I forgot to take them, so it'll be another year (probably) before I can hold up my end of the deal.

But it was really weird to talk with my brother and have him bring up several things that I had said or done that I couldn't remember. I know my memory is spotty in places but I guess I didn't realize it was that bad. My 4 years of undergrad, which involved a lot of mania and probably mixed states, is a blur that I can barely remember except for tiny snippets (and I wasn't even intoxicated all that much for the first couple of years!) It was definitely traumatic as it was when the BP surfaced, so maybe that's why - except that I can't recall all that much of the years that followed either.

[BlackPup]

I have also forgotten alot of the details of my worst struggles over the last few years. I think it is a coping strategy to blank out those painful times.
You have made an amazing recovery and sound like a different person to who you were when I first read your posts. You are an inspiration

[tutitaylor]

I am sending you hugs and congratulations that you have done such hard work and come so far. I understand where you are coming from because I too find things fuzzy from my past treatments. This seems to be a typical reaction by a lot of us. I don't really know why, but it somehow protects us to be able to forget. You are stronger now and you should revel in that knowledge and let it make you even stronger. Tuti