[tnlibrarian]

Whenever we would discuss moving to an area that would provide a position for him that he would be happier in so I could find a good job he would always end up saying we can't ever move due to my bipolar. He'll need someone to help with the kids, they might need to stay with my parents, etc. etc. etc.

Well, he interviewed for a position at work today that quite possibly may include a move to Washington DC in two years. Now that it's something that will benefit him career wise my bipolar isn't an issue. It's not even something that needs to be considered. I'm glad he's probably going to get the position--it will include a big pay increase, a bonus, an office of his own and, most importantly, him being much happier at work. However, it does piss me off that when a move would benefit me career wise he wouldn't consider it because I'm bipolar. Now that it will benefit him the bipolar isn't even remotely an issue.

In a way all of this is pretty amusing considering he asked me if it's very likely that I'll get as psychotic as my great great aunt and great great grandmother did. He also said that he's going to have to take into serious consideration the possibility that I may end up being permanatly committed at some point like they were. Now that this position is available it doesn't matter. I guess concerns like that can be a matter of convenience.

[roads]

Not that I blame you, Becca--but you sound as if you've got a whole load of anger aimed & ready to direct at your husband at the first motivation. If you want to keep the marriage anywhere near healthy, some couples therapy real soon would be a good idea I think. Sounds as if he's kinds got you committed already.

I'm really not liking the sound of that at all.

[tnlibrarian]

We are very open about it and he knows I'm pissed about it. I told him I am. The way I put it--he hasn't cared if I have career opportunities, which makes me feel like I worked my butt off for a degree and took on student loans for nothing. I didn't spend two years in the grad program from hell just so I could take a $9.00 per hour position as a library page. I did it so I can be something crazy like an actual librarian. I also told him that I'm sick of my bipolar being an excuse for everything, be it not being willing to move or him taking his bad days out on me because he knows I won't say anything because I don't want to be accused of cycling.

When he said that about me being committed I told him if he's that convinced I'm going to end up totally psychotic like people who were in a psych hospital when the treatment for anything was to lock someone up, ignore their existance and the hospital staff did crap like chaining people to the floor--he knows where the door is. I'm not interested in someone staying with me out of pity. He knows how to file for divorce and full custody of our kids, which is what I would do if I was convinced I was living with a ticking time bomb who was going to go psychotic at any moment and hurt me or my kids. He just stared at me for a minute and then said he was sorry and that hadn't thought about the fact that they didn't know how to treat bipolar in the early 20th century.

So, trust me--he's fully aware of how I feel and he knows that my attitude is that if he thinks I'm going to become psychotic then he needs to leave and take the kids with him. If you think someone is going to eventually go crazy enough to hurt your kids you don't stick around. He says now he doesn't think that and he doesn't worry about me becoming permanatly committed. So who knows what he's thinking.

[tnlibrarian]

Oh--and we've been getting counseling from our priest. My husband has me talk to him about everything (I have no idea why) and he's been a gigantic help. My husband isn't willing to seek out any other form of counseling. I figure as long as we're getting it and it's from someone we trust that's what matters.

The last time I talked to our priest he did say that he doesn't feel like he can be impartial and say he's not personally involved. I'm really good friends with him and I sometimes worry that plays into his advice. It doesn't seem to, though.

[venusss]

It might be good idea to consider ending this relationship. He seems very controlling and loves to use your bipolar as a weapon against you........... your mental quirks do not make you less of a human and from what I read here, you are not trying to use it as get-out-of-life-free card and you are trying your best.

His ideas about life in general, not ust treatment of bipolar, belong to beginning of last century.

[tnlibrarian]

I don't know what's up with him. He seems to suddenly have a jealous streak. We were sitting in traffic and he got mad because a guy was looking at me. Seriously? The only man he seems comfortable with me being around to any extent is our priest. I know he's not having an affair so that's not a concern. All of this started when I got out of grad school. A friend told me that he's afraid to let go of the control he's had while I've been a stay at home mom and he's afraid I'll meet somebody at work. I'm determined to make my marriage work but still--this is getting ridiculous and really infuriating. If that's the problem he needs to get over it and fast.

[thelittlethings86]

I'm afraid I can't really offer any helpful advice with this. But you have my hugs and my support.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

It might be good idea to consider ending this relationship. He seems very controlling and loves to use your bipolar as a weapon against you........... your mental quirks do not make you less of a human and from what I read here, you are not trying to use it as get-out-of-life-free card and you are trying your best...

Couldn't agree more.
On next post, you say you're determined to make the marriage work, and I can appreciate that, but here's the thing... It takes two. And he's putting it all on you. Setting all the parameters, making all the "rules" -- he's overseeing it, not participating in it. Hope I'm not being too blunt here, but it sounds like he doesn't even treat you like an adult, let alone a wife.

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

I don't know what's up with him. He seems to suddenly have a jealous streak. We were sitting in traffic and he got mad because a guy was looking at me. Seriously? The only man he seems comfortable with me being around to any extent is our priest. I know he's not having an affair so that's not a concern. All of this started when I got out of grad school. A friend told me that he's afraid to let go of the control he's had while I've been a stay at home mom and he's afraid I'll meet somebody at work. I'm determined to make my marriage work but still--this is getting ridiculous and really infuriating. If that's the problem he needs to get over it and fast.

See above. I think your friend is right. And as for that he is afraid you'll meet someone at work... If that's not it, it'll be something else. Or something else. Or something else. The one thing it somehow will never be is him. It's a no-win.

I'm not necessarily saying that someone can't overcome this behavior, but they would really have to want to. They'd also have to thoroughly understand that it's not a matter of them playing the role of some kind of beneficent being who now deigns to bestow "giving in to make nice" gestures on individual issues, but changing the entire dynamic the creates this overarching unacceptable pattern of behavior.

(Hope I don't overstep... I'm working 3rd graveyard shift in a row tonight, my head is a mess and I really probably shouldn't be posting at all(!))

[AniManiac]

Becca, this and a number of your other posts just ring alarm bells like crazy for me.

Priests aren't trained in couples counseling the way a therapist would be - and it didn't really sound like your husband's participating in that (but maybe I misread). It sounds like it's becoming a pretty unhealthy relationship, and more so with time. And no matter how things go, family would probably demonize you for anything that went "wrong" because of the MI. Grrrr...

I'd never advocate for the breakup of a relationship that involves kids unless it's intolerable and unhealthy. It sounds to me like this is approaching that situation - maybe not today, this week, this month, this year, but if things don't change...

Marriage is a two-way street, like IZ said, and if he can't give you the respect you deserve and treat you like the responsible adult you are, then eventually you won't be able to do that for him either. At which point, you need to get out, because that's when it really becomes bad for the kids. IMHO, it's better to end things a little while before it gets that bad. You don't want them having memories like mine - being physically trapped between my parents as they had a shouting match in the front yard about who was going to pay for my therapy. Way to support recovery, folks, I think I'll just pretend my way out of therapy even though I'm still suicidal...

Anyway, I can't recommend any way to fix this situation, but it might be good to think about and even write down where "the line" is for you - at what point you have to say that this is a sunk cost, and despite what you've invested in it, you're better off leaving the relationship. I suggest giving it a lot of consideration and writing it down so that if/when you're upset later because that line is crossed (and of course, you will be upset and questioning your judgement) you can look back and see that you had already identified that this was the straw that would break everything and it's not just situational/in your head/mood-related/etc. It may also be something you can communicate to your husband, but not as an ultimatum (so that it's not threatening) but rather as "this is the point at which I don't think I can make things work any longer." Fair warning, you know. Of course, if that would set him off - well, obviously, you have to use your best judgement on that.

[Secretum]

I'd have a serious talk with him, at home, without your priest. His idea that it is okay for him to move the family for a work opportunity, but not you, is ridiculous, and in my mind, deserving of the "whole load of anger" Roadrunner alluded to. However, he simply may not be able to see how unfair he is being.

It is amazing what good communication can do. Unfortunately, however, it requires that both parties listen as well as talk. I hope that your husband will listen! I haven't been following things too carefully, but your husband does stay up with your baby sometimes so that you can sleep, right? He cares about you. I think that you can salvage your marriage.

[grandmaof3]

I can see why you are angry. I would be angry if my husband used my illness as his excuse to get out of things he doesn't want to do. Marriage is hard work and both of you have to work at it. Therapy can help but only if he's willing. We people withbipolar disorder are hard to live with. Your husband needs to learn that your illness does not define you. And you are right these days things are a lot different in the way mental illness is treated ( thank God). Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. If he listens to you, give him the chance to move forward with a new attitude.