[moremi]

these have been the hardest months to try to get through. I feel like i cant enjoy anything. I feel like these medications have stripped away the little identity i had left of myself and i look in the mirror and a stranger with sad eyes is starring back at me. This is not me. Im not a silent person, Im not a lazy person who spends days on end disappearing in a couch. Im not a fat woman with dark circles and no tan with stringy hair. Who the hell is that? Where is my body, my personality, my outgoing self? Im lost and Im so scared I will never be found...

moremi!
I can relate, but kind of in an opposite way. On meds that are working, I can recognize myself. When severely depressed? I look like (and am) the walking dead. There is nothing in my eyes; they are hollow and blank. No facial expression either. My voice? Yikes. Nothing like when I'm feeling alright, that's for sure.
It's a weird and sucky feeling not to recognize yourself.

[GaBabyBear]

moremi - You are so not alone. I could have written your post. I spent a good part of December in the hospital. I just couldn't be trusted to be alone. Since getting home, I seem to have disconnected with life. I am simply existing in a foreign body that I no longer recognize when I look in the mirror. And I definitely am not participating in life. Simply just existing.

I made plans with someone to start getting out and walking. An attempt to get me out of the house. However, it is raining here today. I guess that I will have to wait til tomorrow to see if I will be able to follow through.

Just a suggestion, do you have someone that you might could walk with at least a few times a week? I have read that it has really helped others, plus the exercise is good. I figure it can't hurt me to give it a try.

We are worth to much to give up on ourselves. The fact that you reached out and verbalized how you are feeling really helped me to know that I wasn't alone.

Sending lots of hugs your way!!!

[moremi]

Yeah it sure is. Im so tired of being scared.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by GaBabyBear

moremi - You are so not alone. I could have written your post. I spent a good part of December in the hospital. I just couldn't be trusted to be alone. Since getting home, I seem to have disconnected with life. I am simply existing in a foreign body that I no longer recognize when I look in the mirror. And I definitely am not participating in life. Simply just existing.

I made plans with someone to start getting out and walking. An attempt to get me out of the house. However, it is raining here today. I guess that I will have to wait til tomorrow to see if I will be able to follow through.

Just a suggestion, do you have someone that you might could walk with at least a few times a week? I have read that it has really helped others, plus the exercise is good. I figure it can't hurt me to give it a try.

We are worth to much to give up on ourselves. The fact that you reached out and verbalized how you are feeling really helped me to know that I wasn't alone.

Sending lots of hugs your way!!!

Thank you, hugs to you too. I just really dont have anyone thats one of my biggest issues. Im alone all day until my kids get home, then they usually have plans. Busy girls 12 & 14... My husband gets home whenever they are done working but we dont talk much. Not much to talk about i guess. He worked construction and I faded into the background all day. I always believed God would never give me more than I can handle but my theory has been put to the test the past couple of years.

[dragonfly2]

Originally Posted by moremi

I always believed God would never give me more than I can handle but my theory has been put to the test the past couple of years.

I'm sorry you've been hurting for so long. I know how hard every day can be when you're at that point.

Now, first I want to apologize to any moderators...if this post is out of line, let me know...but your mention of God tells me that this is something that speaks to you, so here goes...

It's been my experience that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But there also comes a point where He wants us to give it to Him to handle. It is not meant for us to handle these things on our own.

This has never been so more profoundly true for me than during a hospitalization I had in 2004. I had been very ill for a few years and my children were taken by the State. It's a really long story, but suffice to say we were in a witch hunt of sorts, and they were doing everything they could to keep us from reunification. At one point they moved toward petitioning for permanent foster adoption. This sent me spiraling into a bad dissociation and into the hospital (I had been stable and working and doing very well...like I said...long story). During that hospitalization, I had a profound experience. I had finally broken through the dissociation and was doubled over in tears, feeling like my heart was literally breaking. I then went on my knees in prayer, and asked for some way to know that things were going to be okay. I couldn't handle it anymore. In that moment, I felt a wash of peace come over my body. I stopped crying almost instantly and knew then that things would work out. I had to give up control and let Him handle things. I had done all I could do with letters and lawyers and doctors and such. I had to let Him work through them. Six months later my children were finally returned to me and we have been together since.

I don't know where your journey has taken you or how much of this you are trying to do on your own. But it may be time to give it up to Him to handle. Let Him work through the doctors and try to find strength through Him.

Certainly, I'm not saying to do nothing...I guess I'm just saying to not try to do it alone and try to let go of things that are really out of your control. There are some practical things you can do.

Can you get out of the house at all? Even just to go hang out at a coffee shop or something? It would give you a reason to get dressed, do your hair, etc. Get you out interacting with people. Sometimes if I'm feeling really isolated, I'll take my laptop and go hang out at a coffee shop. Even if I could accomplish the same thing on my computer at home, it's good to have a reason to get out of the house. Sometimes I have to force myself out the door, but I'm usually glad I did.

Coming here has been very helpful too. It helps me to get out of my own head sometimes. I've made some good friendships here as well.

Can you let your husband and kids know that you're feeling lonely? Maybe set up a movie night or something? Nothing too involved that would require a lot of energy, but spending some time together on a regular basis could help.

And like I said...look at where you may need to let go of some things. If you tend to pray, then pray for guidance. And don't give up if it doesn't come right away.

Sending hugs your way...

[moremi]

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

I'm sorry you've been hurting for so long. I know how hard every day can be when you're at that point.

Now, first I want to apologize to any moderators...if this post is out of line, let me know...but your mention of God tells me that this is something that speaks to you, so here goes...

It's been my experience that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But there also comes a point where He wants us to give it to Him to handle. It is not meant for us to handle these things on our own.

This has never been so more profoundly true for me than during a hospitalization I had in 2004. I had been very ill for a few years and my children were taken by the State. It's a really long story, but suffice to say we were in a witch hunt of sorts, and they were doing everything they could to keep us from reunification. At one point they moved toward petitioning for permanent foster adoption. This sent me spiraling into a bad dissociation and into the hospital (I had been stable and working and doing very well...like I said...long story). During that hospitalization, I had a profound experience. I had finally broken through the dissociation and was doubled over in tears, feeling like my heart was literally breaking. I then went on my knees in prayer, and asked for some way to know that things were going to be okay. I couldn't handle it anymore. In that moment, I felt a wash of peace come over my body. I stopped crying almost instantly and knew then that things would work out. I had to give up control and let Him handle things. I had done all I could do with letters and lawyers and doctors and such. I had to let Him work through them. Six months later my children were finally returned to me and we have been together since.

I don't know where your journey has taken you or how much of this you are trying to do on your own. But it may be time to give it up to Him to handle. Let Him work through the doctors and try to find strength through Him.

Certainly, I'm not saying to do nothing...I guess I'm just saying to not try to do it alone and try to let go of things that are really out of your control. There are some practical things you can do.

Can you get out of the house at all? Even just to go hang out at a coffee shop or something? It would give you a reason to get dressed, do your hair, etc. Get you out interacting with people. Sometimes if I'm feeling really isolated, I'll take my laptop and go hang out at a coffee shop. Even if I could accomplish the same thing on my computer at home, it's good to have a reason to get out of the house. Sometimes I have to force myself out the door, but I'm usually glad I did.

Coming here has been very helpful too. It helps me to get out of my own head sometimes. I've made some good friendships here as well.

Can you let your husband and kids know that you're feeling lonely? Maybe set up a movie night or something? Nothing too involved that would require a lot of energy, but spending some time together on a regular basis could help.

And like I said...look at where you may need to let go of some things. If you tend to pray, then pray for guidance. And don't give up if it doesn't come right away.

Sending hugs your way...

I have tears pouring down my face. I cant imagine how much pain you must have felt. I was seperated from my kids and my husband until September. I just lost it and went manic and left them. Of course all I wanted to do was come home but it took a year and four months ago my husband let me come back home. Since ive been home i started seeing a new doc, getting new meds and basically living inside my head not really knowing what all is even going on.
I am sad to admit that i have not prayed in awhile but i do know that God has worked miracles in my life because i am back with my family. I just wish we could all enjoy me being home. I couldnt live without them ever again...ever.
Thank you so much for your kind words, and i will definately consider trying to go to barnes and noble or star bucks just to get out. You have given me a shimmer of hope this evening. Thank you again.

[dragonfly2]

Have you and your husband had any therapy together? My husband and I went through a similar period of being apart, though not as long. It affects our relationship more deeply than I think either of us really understands.

Winters can make it hard to get out. I'm glad you're thinking of trying B&N or Starbucks. The coffee alone soothes my soul.

Hang in there...

[moremi]

We actualy were going through marriage counceling. It helped the small problems and we were able to communicate better. I admit it did help. I dont know if i could get him to go with me again. We went and things were ok for awhile then i went manic and had an affair with someone i met in the hospital some that i felt understood me the way my husband never could because we shared the same problems. Needless to say it was such a mistake i regretted it before i could blink my but the damage was done and my husband filed for divorce before i got the courage up to beg him not to. This disease has taken so much from me because in my manic mind this guy knew me better than my husband but in true reality my husband knows me better than i know myself, hecan tell you what im going to do before i do it. I swear his instints never are wrong. He loved me unconditionally and i broke his spirit. This is something I have yet to fully forgive myself for. He is the only person in my life that has always been there. Since i was 14 years old, im now 33.
I have to get out of this depression and find myself again so that he knows im still here. I have to do something. I think the meds they put me on are meds to keep me down because they dont want mania to come back but they have me way to low. Im seriously considering just not taking them tomorrow just to see what happens.
Thank you so much for listening :-)

[dragonfly2]

Bipolar does take an immense toll on our relationships. Our minds do deceive us sometimes, don't they? Have you talked to your pdoc about lowering your meds any? I would be very careful considering not taking them. I know there are days I just want to throw mine out the window. But I can't or I risk losing it all again. And I wouldn't survive it a second time.

But my mind seems to think it's a good idea at the time....