Support -Advice needed

I have known since I was a young kid that something was always wrong with me. One minute I would be happy and things were fine and the next minute, I was depressed and wanting to die. I was ashamed to tell anyone this for fear of being laughed at or worse, "locked up". As I got older, things didn't change much. I didn't join clubs or sports teams in school for fear of rejection. I kept to myself alot. I did have lots of friends on school, but none of them were real close and they didn't know of my personal struggles. Now at 38, I feel like my whole life has been a mess. I have held countless jobs. Married twice and cheated on both of them more than once. I have been to counselor after counselor and nothing has helped. I went to my family doctor a few years ago (who has taken care of me since I was 8), and told her how I felt. She said that since my mom was bipolar, I probably was too. She put me on Cymbalta and Lamictal. That seemed to help for awhile. But once I felt that I needed something more, my insurance ran out. I was told that my medicine was over $500 a month, so I quit taking it. My moods were back in full swing within 2 weeks. Last year, I went to a psychiatric group and was seeing a very nice girl who was an intern. I also was getting a new medication Pristiq, and I seemed to be doing ok. The meds helped me stay more up but not too up. The girl I was seeing graduated college and moved to a new place. In order for me to continue seeing someone, I would have to start paying. At the time, I wasn't hired full time at my job, had no insurance, and no extra money. So, I quit going. I get the Pristiq for free through the drug company, but not for much longer. I feel as though that isn't working now either. UGH.
Here is a typical day for me: Alarm goes off at 6:30 and I hit snooze until 6:50. I never want to get out of bed so I wait as long as I can before I have to get up. Many mornings I argue with myself about getting up and going to work. I know if I don't get up and go, I can get fired. Some mornings I don't care, others I worry about it. I get up, shower, dress, leave for work. I have many days where I am really motivated to get to work and get my stuff done. Other days, I argue with myself more about going. At work, I am usually happy that I am here. I accomplish a lot and feel good that I can do the things I am assigned. I have several things at my desk that are daily tasks that HAVE to be done....which I think is what keeps me coming in every day. I do worry all day about what someone is saying about me, what they think of me, wonder if they really like me or are just being nice since we work together, etc. At 5pm, I leave to go home. Most of the time, I don't want to go home. But I do cause of my son (he is almost 15). Once home, I play with my puppy, cook dinner, talk to my husband, and then veg out on the internet. Mostly facebook. It drives my husband nuts that I am on the internet so much. But it is either that, or I go to bed. I don't want to go anywhere. I know there is housework to do, but I don't want to do it. It's like I don't care about anything anymore. When I cheated on my current husband, I knew it was wrong. But it was like once the subject was brought up to have sex with these 2 men, I couldn't stop. It became an obsession for me. Although I haven't cheated in almost 2 years, I still think about it every day. I am texting someone right now. I know I shouldn't be. I have tried to stop. But I just can't.
So many days my brain feels like it is on a rollercoaster. Up down. Up down. I cry at the drop of a hat and most times, I don't know why. I am so worried about what others think of me or may be saying about me that I can't concentrate. I have been a cutter for years and it is a daily struggle to not cut. I either sleep all day or don't sleep at all. I don't know what to do. I am scared that if I tell a counselor what all is going on that they will lock me up. If that happens, I lose everything. But I can't keep living like this. My brain never stops.

Ok. Enough rambling. Any thoughts? Ideas? Advice?

Welcome IamFred to PC

Altho noone here can diagnose you .. You seems to have a history that would point towards Bipolar . My only advice would be to get into to see a psych doctor (pdoc) and a Therapist (T) . Not all Therapists and patients are good fits .. I personally went thru a few T's before I found the one I have now been seeing almost a year.
Medications always seem to be in a state of change what might work this month may not work in a couple months . My T said theres usally a cycle worked out for meds and changing once something is found to help. Little tweeks here and there are the norm for most bipolars .

Its frustrating at times/.... I know for me finally being diagnosed at age 44 has been a relief in some ways but scarey in others .

I hope your able to find the support and love here at PC that i have ,,, Its a place full of wonderful people.

Welcome

Hello,
As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but think I was reading about myself. I know exactly how you feel. If you ever need to talk, just vent, whatever, feel free to contact me. We have A LOT in common. I thought I was the only one.
Hugs!

I see a lot of myself in you, and I have BiPolar I. The ups and downs, the mood swings. I also suffer from depression so that might be something to think about since you said you have trouble getting out of bed and seem to spend a lot of time on the internet. I too have to force myself out of bed in the morning and give myself a pep talk to get motivated to get moving.
You seem to worry a lot about being "put away". Even if you did tell a therapist everything you have shared here, they're not going to hospitalize you unless you are actively threatening suicide or raging psychotic. I have told my therapist similar things to what you've shared, and much worse, and the only times I've been hospitalized are when I've attempted suicide (all in the past thank God).
You need to be talking with a therapist - so many things on your mind!! So hard to keep them all inside. No wonder you're in pain, wondering what's going on. Try the therapy route again. I went through a lot of therapists before I found the saint I'm seeing now. He is wonderful and I've made much progress with him (off alcohol, stopped cutting, stopped shoplifting, etc) Life is mostly good, with some occasional dips into depression here and there.
You also need to be back on meds. Mine were very expensive too. My psychiatrist worked with me to find the cheapest ones that worked, and now my mood is stable for the most part, plus no more bipolar psychosis.
Hope this helped. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Good luck

OMG, I used to do this too! I never realized others did it, but my T said it's not uncommon for people with bipolar.

Not to hijack the thread, of course.

You really ought to try to see a psychiatrist. It is hard without insurance so many of the meds are expensive. WHen I was changing jobs a few years ago my pdoc gave me samples of my meds until my insurance kicked in. He also gave me a break on his fee. I also recently learned that where I live the local Community Services Board has mental health services and they charge a sliding scale. Maybe there is something like that in your area. As far as meds go I couldn't function without them. As others have said they don't lock you up in the hospital unless you are a danger to self or others or really psychotic