[widgets]

Okay, so i probably shouldnt post here because i'm not Bipolar, but you guys have always helped me out in the past.

I've recently moved away from home for my new job. Moved into this house share, with 3 guys and 1 woman. We all moved in within the same week so no one knows each other.
Over the past month, me and this guy Miles have been spending ALOT of time in the kitchen talking and talking, every night really.
Long story short, i'm getting addicted to it, i talk to the others but get annoyed if there isnt a time its just me and him. I know he likes to talk to me as well, but i doubt he gets really stressed out if he cant.
I'm BPD and havent entered a new relationship of this kind for a LONG time, all the people who i am clingy and attached to, are people i have known since i was a young teen.
I avoid getting close to people at all costs.
But as i am lonely here being away from all my friends, it was har to stop it before it started.
I act rational around him, he doesnt know how serious our relationship has become to me, but every day i feel more and more intensely. I dont know how to cope with these emotions. When he isnt here, i feel sad and anxious, when he is here, i spend every second i can with him.
It isnt the case of sexual attraction either, when i first saw him i wasnt the least bit attracted to him.

He had a girl to stay for the weekend and i went kinda crazy in my room.

The thing is though, this makes me realise how i will never be able to have a normal relationship with someone, if we were attracted to each other and maybe getting to the point of something else happening, the feelings would drive me insane and i'd not be able to handle it.
Its good its purely platonic.
he finds talking about psychological stuff interesting, as do i, so we talk at length about our personality traits and things like that, and somewhere along the way i told him that i was onced diagnosed as bipolar.
Tonight he bought that up again saying he could see why i was diagnosed as bipolar, (he doesnt understand it fully) as i seemed to have 2 distinct and opposing sides to my personality.
I told him that i was actually diagnosed with BPD, which i was surprised he had heard of.
Then a flat mate walked in at that precise moment and was being really annoying by not leaving the room.
SO, it stopped there and now i'm confused and anxious and i feel like i never want to see him again, yet all i want to do it go and knock on his door, and stay in his room with him forever.

A MONTH i've known him. I've been so careful for so many years to not get attached to anyone else. I promised myself that i would never do this! why cant i control myself?

More importantly where do i go from here?

[unaluna]

Being attached is good, maybe what you really mean - well, what *I* would have trouble with - is managing my boundaries, not knowing when I was being too-TOO, and thereby messing up what could be a good friendship and a real plus to what would otherwise be just an ordinary living situation, to find a kind and kindred spirit? Because I can definitely overdo it or underdo it, hard for me to be just normal average.

I don't have any advice, but I have (((hugs))) for Widget! I just carry em' around in my back pocket.

Miss seeing you around here, even if you've technically left the Bipolar dx, I don't think you've left the bipolar family.

[Rosie23]

I feel for you. I can understand where you are coming from.

You said it had been a long time since you were in a relationship. Well even someone with BPD needs love.
I don't think that we are programmed to live alone all of our lives. As human beings we need to be touched and hugged and admired and validated and that is what a special someone does for you. And we thrive when someone is meeting all of our needs.

Just try to stay reasonable about it. I know, easier said than done. But remind yourself that you are feeling lonely. That enjoying his company doesn't mean you have to become dependent on him. You can survive just fine without him. So if it doesn't work out, yes, you will be disappointed but it won't be the end of life as you know it.

And I am sure you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Repeat:
I breathe in my courage. I exhale my fear.

[sugahorse1]

I do exactly the same and it's caused me plenty of heart ache. In hindsight it's so clear when I've overstepped the line.
Ultimately I think one needs to love oneself more. I know I need to be more comfortable with my own company. To not consider any person as the center of my universe. I know it's easier said than that. Try plan your day around what YOU want to do, including being around other people. Make a conscious effort to limit your time with this person and spread your emotional needs out

[SunAngel]

Hey There Widgets!!!

Don't have any advice, but wanted to give you a shout-out. I really, really miss you.

[widgets]

I'm just trying to protect myself really, one day, he will move out, or god forbid have a bad day at work and not feel like talking in the kitchen all night and i will feel rejected..
So yes i do need love, but i need more than anyone can give.
Especially a house mate who just sees me as an interesting distraction while cooking and eating his dinner, washing his plates and having cups of tea.
We bought a blender together tonight. The shop assistant mistook us for a couple. Couldnt help but want that so much,
I'm such a fool,.

[dazeofdolphins]

Do you really need to "go anywhere" right now? What you seem to be saying is that you are having trouble tolerating your feelings, which, as you know is classically BPD. Challenge yourself to stay with the feelings, however hard it is. By doing this you are actually working on one of your issues. This will help prepare you for your next relationship. Also, do you use anti-anxiety meds like Clonopin? It might be helpful.
dazeofdolphins

[widgets]

No i've decided to stay med free.
Earlier, we met in the kitchen after work, and we spoke and he kinda just walked out, and i felt so used, for some reason, so i wont to my room and got my coat and decided i need a walk to get air, he met me in the hall and asked where i was going, i said i was going to shop, he was like, "oh i'll drive you, you're ill, you dont want to be walking about in the snow."
So in the space of less that half an hour, i had devalued him and then idolised him again.
Gone from, 'dont want to see him again tonight," to, "aww what a nice guy,"
If not to protect myself, then i shouldnt be around normal people anyway. He is a sorted guy, he is 9 years older than me and he is normal.
He may not see all the weird stuff about me right now, but i cant help but think it may start to become clear to him, without me even realising i am showing it.