Rant

I'm tired of feeling.

For a long time, I got used to being emotionally blunted and things didn't phase me much. It was easy to function and not worry about things going on. Now, I feel like I feel too much. I've been stable on/off for about two months and I have anxiety because I've suddenly become aware of things that I'd totally dismissed. They aren't life threatening, but it's ANNOYING. I don't want to think about my impeding doom or how I'm going to make my money-ends meet. Enough anxiety right now that the Seroquel isn't making me tired. I feel neurotic.

I need to learn how to deal with this though, because it's probably better that I'm able to function without feeling like I'm on a cloud. Emotions feel like a hindrance, sometimes.

I realize I sound stupid.

Doesn't sound stupid at all.
Very valid concerns, would be worth a call to pdoc.

Take care.

I think it is kinda natural not want to feel, because post-modern life throws you too much to worry about. It is little things, but there is just so much of them and then there are things that really matter.

However, the best way is to... learn to work with the feelings. We have them for a reason. Don't overanalyze 'em, but don't dismiss them either. It's easier said than done, I know... but there is really no other way. We have to be aware to be able to live. Too numbed down and blunted, we accumulate damage and it is gonna get to us. Hyperawareness prevents us from doing what we should do.

i don't think what you said sounds stupid at all... i have next to no coping mechanisms for stress, anxiety, anger, etc, etc... because for so long (most of my life since my initial diagnosis) i self-medicated... whenever i got bad off, i'd drink or take pills or cut myself so i didn't have to feel... so i didn't have to deal... i quit drinking/cutting/abusing pills four years ago.. and since then, when i haven't been well... my coping mechanism has been to just shut down.. which is really more of a cop out on life than a coping mechanism...

it's overwhelming.. i feel like a kindergartener on my first day of school with this bipolarness inside me... i don't even know where to start to build effective coping mechanisms... but i know i have to... i know it sucks in the mean time & there are times where... i don't so much have the thought that i don't want to feel... rather... i don't want to be... totally different from being suicidal... just... sometimes desperate for a break from all of it... just want to crawl into a deep, dark hole.. pull a rock over that hole.. and disappear for a while until i'm better enough to deal with life... i've never put it in those words before... but basically, i want to turn off my feeling/processing and just... DECOMPRESS...

so yeah, what you said doesn't sound stupid to me... not at all...

Kind, I won't be calling my pdoc over this. I am not manic, and I'm not depressed. I feel like these are issues that I'm having now because I was medically numb for so long and now that I'm on a less amount of medication it allows me to feel and I'm not as equipped to handle the emotions. I refuse to take anything for anxiety so I don't know what else she could prescribe me. The BP meds I'm taking are actually working pretty well.

Thank you, Venus. I'm seeing a therapist sometime this week and might print your post so I remember....hopefully he has some ways to help cope with the worries.