[bowhunt72]

I think it's time to start looking for a new T. I don't think the one I've been seeing the last 2 or 3 years is really helping me much. I like her, she's a nice lady, she's easy to talk to, but I never leave feeling like I got any real insight into my feelings or actions, and I don't feel like I'm learning how to cope with my disease any better. Our sessions always seem to be me talking about what happened since the last session, then she says "Wow, that must be hard. I hope you feel better. See you next month." Just doesn't seem very helpful.

A number of you have commented regarding my current situation that I need to get some serious therapy to get myself figured out and deal with my own core issues before I can even try to start to rebuild a badly damaged marriage. Having me try to work on it while I'm still badly damaged myself just isn't going to be successful. I want to find a T that will listen to what I say and how I feel and then say "Hey dumb***, haven't you figured out that A is connected to B? Why the **** aren't you doing XYZ to work on it?" I don't need warm and fuzzy. I know no T is going to solve my problems for me, but I want one to show me what tools to use and point me in the right direction.

So how do I find one? I can't just put an ad in the paper and conduct open interviews. I'll be limited to the ones covered in network by my insurance. I can ask around, but I doubt the staff at the hospital would be allowed to make a recommendation, and the closest practice to the hospital is the one I'm already at. Someone in one of the support groups I attend might have a good one to recommend, but that's pretty iffy. I can go down the list of who my insurance covers and start calling the offices, but they're all going to say they're good. Can anyone suggest specific questions to ask that might help narrow down the field?

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In related news, my soap opera keeps getting crazier. Found out today that my lover's boyfriend, the one she left me to stay with, has been calling and texting my wife "just to see how she's doing", but oh, by the way, has your husband been in contact with my girlfriend? (I haven't). Before she was forced to choose between me and him, my lover showed me a three page long list of reasons he wrote her why she should come back to him. She told me at the time she didn't believe he was sincere, but it was three pages of promises of how he would change, how he would treat her better (after years of verbal and emotional abuse), things he would buy her (like I said, he's rich), and places he would take her. She pointed out to me that out of all those reasons, "I love you" was nowhere on the list. Apparently it worked eventually, because when the time came for her to make the tough decision, money won out over love. But even though she's back, he's still checking up on her and she doesn't know it. Sounds kind of suspicious, jealous, and possessive to me. Someone seems a little insecure. Seems to me if you can't keep your girlfriend without bribing her on one hand and spying on her on the other, you don't deserve to have her. Just my biased perspective as a jilted ex-lover.

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Went back to my real house for lunch with my wife today (when she told me about the calls from the boyfriend). I read over the final draft of the legal separation agreement we have hammered out, and I approved the last of the changes so we should be ready to go. We go to court in two days, so it should get signed then.

Talked to my wife this afternoon about the reconciliation, just asking for her wild guess opinion on when we might be ready for what to see if we are anywhere close to on the same page. We're guessing somewhere around six months before we will be ready to start marriage counseling together, but possibly as soon as two months depending on how good a T I find and how much progress I make. She wants to have something close to a final answer one way or the other before my apartment lease is up in January. That's a big help to me, because that finally gives me some kind of idea of what goal I'm working toward.

Well he has reason to be insecure with her, she cheated on him didn't she? Despite whether or not he deserves her. And if she chooses money over love and leads other people on and gets involved with married people she might not be quite as deserving of being on a pedestal either. Just a little perspective. It would be easier to deal with your problems if him and her just sort of sailed away out of the picture completely you know? You need to let go of her and I don't think him talking to your wife it helping that process along.

Therapist, sounds like mine, she listens, but that's about it. If you google " how to find a good therapist" you find lots of articles with questions to ask potential therapists. I hope that will help some. Looking for a new T sounds like a good idea!

[bowhunt72]

I agree with your perspective on the soap opera. It would make my life and recovery a lot easier if the two of them would just vanish somewhere. I told my wife last night, halfheartedly because I knew she would never allow it, that I wanted to use her phone for just one text message to him. "Hi _____, This is _____. Stop contacting my wife. I don't give a **** what you think about me, but leave my wife out of your problems. If you want to spy on _____, find someone else to do your dirty work for you. You have only yourself to blame for not keeping her happy." As far as the issue of her being on a pedestal, I haven't mentioned it much here but it's one of the primary issues I'm trying to get sorted out in my head. That's probably the biggest single reason I want to find a more effective T is to get past my feelings for her so I can move on to where I'm supposed to be.

Will try the google search as you suggest. Thank you.

Sorry I wasnt more help. I have been referred a T and never have tried to find a new one. I hope you can find one suitable to your needs, I know it can be hard to find a good fit.

[moremi]

I just found a wonderful T. I have only seen her one time but it was different than any other therapy session I have ever had. She didnt just listen and tell me she knows its hard and suggest blah blah blah. She used experience and expertise to tell me what needs to be done in my life. Suggested things to me I never thought possible. Having a good T is a very important thing in our illness. Im so thankful to God for leading me to her.

I wish I had more advice on the lover/wife soap opera. I have been where you are. I left my husband for a younger man that I thought understood me and knew me and loved me and all that. He told me what I needed to hear and made me feel amazing and young and loved. It wasnt real though. It was my sickness. I believe I had real love but it was not real love returned to me. I was so head over heels at one point that I lost myself in him. Its sickening what I can do when I am that manic. I walked out of my house and left my husband and two children behind and didnt look back because I was living in this delusion that this other man was what I needed for me and my children. I couldnt wrap my head around anything rational. I turned on all my friends and family, I thought they were against me and that this man was the only person who believed in me. The truth was everyone but him was trying so hard to reach me and get me help. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was to run and fast. That happened two years ago in September. I am now back with my husband and I can look back and see how things really were. If you can back up and look from the outside in. Its a whole different story.

I had to learn that I could only count on me. That I had to be independent and love me before I could expect anyone else to. I also had to realize I was sick and forgive myself and make amends to my family and friends and most of all my children and my husband. I decided I would spend the rest of my life proving to them that they are what keeps me going because they are. Things are good now. My husband is an amazing person. Without him I honestly do not know where I would be. He is literally and extension of myself. The other half of my heart. We are closer now since the affair than we ever were before. Our love is stronger and our bond is deeper because of what we went through. We now know that life is not greener on the other side and we love one another and we are faithful to one another. This is what I want for you. This is what can happen. Keep your mind open and dont ever lose your faith. God works in very mysterious ways. Many hugs to you.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Where in Ohio do you live? I can try to find you one. Basically, one way to do it is to find the website of the psychology department of the local med school in your area, then look up the faculty listings. That will find you psychologists affiliated with the med school/university. I can do this for you, if you like, but I need to know if you live close to any med school or university.

[misspilates]

God I love this forum already 'it's not just me'. Yes you need a new T, perhaps check with the Psychs around for recommendation? I see a bipolar nurse i.e. she's a therapist who has bipolar....talk about 'getting it'. Not in anyway destructive...very helpful.

I have lovers and ex lovers and their partners and my partner etc etc etc...messy....but that's just how we roll. Unfortunately, there will always be another....we are not designed for monogamy...we are too multi dimensional to get everything we need from one person. And as for love vs money....I chose money because it makes more sense than the mindless emotion that we refer to as love. As my Grandpa always said....love don't pay the bills Chicken.

I would be devastated to lose my lover of 10 years....but I also know he is replacable fundamentally. At the moment you want to replace your lover with your wife...who knows what the future holds. You have my empathy dear friend, I salute you.

[bowhunt72]

And the crazy soap opera continues. Had another bad crash tonight, to the point I was getting started getting the appropriate letters written and trying to figure out how to have someone delay telling my wife long enough to make sure I was gone before she gave the police the key to my place. Not a good night. Of all people, my wife, who is meeting me in court in the morning to legally take my house and over half of my income, was a big support on the phone. She actually told me - finally - that she doesn't want me dead because she wants us to have a marriage again better than ever and she can see me coming out the other side of the affair a better and stronger person. Could have been a cynical ploy to keep me around a little longer because my life insurance hasn't matured to its full value yet, but she actually sounded kinda sincere. She wanted me to make a safety contract with her for tonight, said I was allowed to cut if I want, just as long as I make it to morning alive. I told her I wasn't in a position to promise anything to anyone, but I have to give her credit, at least she tried.