[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I haven't been doing too good lately. I saw Psych end of April and he has stated that I am mildly- moderately depressed. My CPN confirmed it. However they are not giving me any AD's as they may send me into sheer mania which wouldn't be good. I have to go and see my CPN in 2 weeks time rather than in a month as I have been showing signs of danger etc.

I have been feeling suicidal and have had thoughts of "not being here". I have crossed roads unsafely too. I feel unsafe when I am outside. So I have mainly stayed in the house unless I have to go out. Even then I am a bit reluctant to go out.

I have also been hurting myself to the point where I think I have managed to get a bump on my head. I have been getting sever headaches and right behind my eyes. Helps when you have to wear glasses huh!

Been stayed off the computer and I am very rarely on here. I use my phone mainly now. Today I am still in bed and it's 3:22pm. I stayed in bed till 3:30pm on Wednesday and missed the yoga class I was meant to be going to. I texted my SW and said I was missing it today. She called me and I lied and said everything was ok. I just didn't feel up to going. When in fact I was dying inside.

I have managed and I do not know how but I have managed to mask it all from my family. They are all so happy. Late March we found out my Brother and her Girlfriend are expecting a baby in September. Then my Twin Sister moved out of the family home in with her Boyfriend mid April and then we found out again in mid April that my Brother proposed to his Girlfriend and they are set to marry in the near future. I am so happy for them all. I feel left behind though. I feel my life has no purpose. I am just existing and that is it. Every time I think I should tell my folks I am depressed I ignore that feeling and just go back to being me again..... the faker.

My Mum has said my depression is sheer self-fishness!! That hurt as she has never seen me depressed as I hide it all from her. She doesn't know how low I can be. The suicidal thoughts and notions, the self harming. The feeling life would be better without me here.

I spoke to my CPN about this. He has said he has seen me MUCH worse depression wise and said I can get through this. I guess I can.... I just can't see it yet.

I have been looking up funeral hymns and which ones I would like to be played at my funeral. I hate weepy hymns so they are up beat hymns.

My SW's all know about how I have been feeling. They ahve been really good in helping me out. They take the time to talk to me which I am forever grateful. 1 of them texts me she really is so nice to me. I don't deserve it.

I told 2 of my friends that I have been suicidal etc that was on Monday. Tthey haven't spoken to me since. I feel so hurt. What have I done wrong? 1 of them was away from Wed- Fri on a romantic break so I knew I wouldn't get a text from her. But I am still hurt. Am I too sensitive?

I wish someone could understand me. I feel like a complete alien. I do not belong on planet Earth.

I can't stop hurting myself. I have been stepping up the notch on how hard I hurt myself. I don't cut or anythign like that as known my luck I would hit a major artery and die or something. I hit myself, bang my head, push sharp things into my hands and fingers. I hurt myself to the point I leave marks but the marks disappear after a few hours. But I think my head banging is screwing up with my eye sight? Luckily I am due for an eye test this month.

With my SW's I can do a crisis plan. I haven't done one as I have always been ok ish. But I am now thinking I might need one? I don't want my parents to be involved but at the same time I dont have family I would trust???? My family is small. I know my parents would be hurt if they were last to find things out etc.

Everytime I go to see my CPN/Psych my Mum always ask's how it went. I always say "fine" she ask's do they feel I am doing good? I always say "yes". I don't feel I can tell my Mum what they think. I don't know why. My Mum is a sound person. I am the one that is weird.

My life is just dumb. I wish I could communicate properly with people in my life but I am such an idiot that I can't. My SW's and CPN keep telling me I am very intelligent, articulate, animated when talking but I feel like a retard.

Wish I could just go away now!

[pegasus]

Hello Miss Laura, please contact your SW and CPN and let them know how it really is. Family aren't always the most understanding but your CPN and SW are on your side and they need to know how things really are.

[BlackPup]

We understand how you are feeling even if the people in real life don't. Keep posting here and let us know how you are going. Try writing in a journal and please be honest with you CPN and SW. Try to go to sleep and wake up at regular times and try to find things that you enjoy doing during the day. Make plans for yourself then make yourself do them - coz it can be really hard to get motivated so write lists even with things like getting dressed and having showers, reading books, drawing, writing in your journal etc...
I think a crisis plan might be a good idea. Maybe it will help to get your family involved, though I do understand not wanting them to know as your mum has been so negative.
Keep posting, sending you lots of hugs.

[Miss Laura]

Thank you guys,

My Support Workers don't work the weekend and nor does my CPN. There is an emergency line for CPN's but I try not to use it. I have used it in the past when I have been worse though.

Last night I was in bed for midnight and woke this morning at 11:30am. To begin with I felt crap. But my Brother and his Fiancee came in. They were showing off their bump my Niece or Nephew is growing well That cheered me up.

I am showered and dressed and sitting with my parents watching a dvd.

I think I have really hurt my head as it is killing me.

I think when I see my SW on Friday I will ask about the crisis plan. I have never used one or filled one up so unsure how they work.

I have been writing in my mood diary and writing how I am actually feeling as I know lying/hiding gets me nowhere. As much as I don't want to write about it and as much as I don't want my psych to know.

I am feeling pretty lonely I am at the stage where I am making myself even worse as I am refusing to leave the house. Not been out since Friday afternoon roughly 48 hours in the house. I am out tomorrow playing badminton in the afternoon. Then swimming on Tuesday. Other than my SW on Friday I have nothing else planned. I feel miserable but at the same time going out seems a bit scary. I am worried about going out in case I get hurt.

My parents are bad people or anything like that, but they don't understand me. Possibly doesn't help that I don't talk to them. Well not about me anyway.

[moremi]

I'm so sorry you are so down. I think maybe telling your friends just scared them because they don't understand. I know that hurts but people that aren't like us who don't have these feelings don't understand that death is so appealing to us at times. I know what you mean. Things would just be so much easier, I always feel like everyone in my life would be better off without me in their lives. I always feel like a loser and like I cant do anything right, I feel like my bp issues have taken complete control over everyone's life that I love and I don't want to be a burden anymore. I have told my husband that I want to die. He doesn't understand but he tries. He just tells me that my kids would never understand even if he could. He is right they wouldn't. He also says that my beliefs in all that I said above are only the way i see things that no one else feels that way about me. I think your family would feel the same way if they knew how to express to you how they feel. If they could understand the way my husband tries to. I never tell anyone else when i have those feelings because I know that they don't understand. They think I am crazy if I feel that way. I had a friend that committed suicide last year and she left a note saying that she had tried so hard for so long but just couldn't get it right. No one understood what she meant except me, but I didn't say so. I totally understood and wished I was strong enough to just do it already. But Im not, not yet. I hope one day these feelings go away. I dont know if they will so I always just remind myself that its my illness. It doesnt mean Im a freak or a bad person, Im just mentally ill and its part of who I am.
I wish your mother were more understanding. Its not selfish to be sick. You cant help it, its not your fault. Hugs to you from someone who does understand. If you ever need to talk you can send me aPM anytime.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Moremi,

I just can't shift it. I have written a bit in the BP Society. I am dead inside. Outside I'm 'ok' for people. I think I have pushed people away. I think I need to be punished. I am punishing myself. I don't think I can do this anymore. I have no friends. No one texts me etc. I text I don't get any in reply. I feel so lonely and sad. I wish I wasn't here. I went to badminton today and lost all bar 1 game. I was absolutely crap. I never suck that much. I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am. But I'm not me.

I don't want to be here anymore!

[BlackPup]

Hold on tight, you can get through this, things will get better than they are now. We are with you in this, you are not on your own. Keep posting - we understand what it feels like. Remember that the depression lies- things are not as bad as they seem.