[bowhunt72]

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been down before. I've had crashes into depression before. I've even been suicidal before. But this is something different.

I left a miserable abusive marriage to get back together with an old lover who was also unhappy in her relationship. It was better than great for a few months, it was fantastic. I was flying high on a mania, although I didn't realize it, and we had a great future planned together. When it all caved in, I went from planning our wedding in the morning to dumped in the afternoon to suicidal by the next morning.

Now that I'm off the mania and back to my usual depressed self, I feel like there is something broken inside of me. I feel like I fell so far so fast and crashed so hard that something broke - maybe permanently. I've never been an emotional person - look at what I did for a living - you can't show emotion, you're not ALLOWED to show emotion. Now I can't make it through a day without crying multiple times. The loss of what I thought was true love still overwhelms me. Realizing the damage I did to my wife and kids pushes me over the edge and I can't control myself. My wife keeps telling me it's healthy, it's just 40 years of locked up emotions finally coming out, but I'm not sure if I believe her.

Does anyone else feel this way, like something inside you is permanently broken from your bp or other diagnoses?

hi - so sorry you are feeling so crappy

the feeling you describe remibnds me of a fweling i had smack bang in the middle of counselling a couple of years ago - i described it as a big void, like there was no solid ground beneath my feet

if its the same thing then maybe your wife is right about it being a good thing - on the other side of that feeling i found a much better place - it was hard to get through but worth every second of the pain

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not sure if I feel broken. A lot of times I've said to myself that I wish I knew how to live. On one hand, maybe there is still some sort of hope for me, but on the other hand - and more realistically - I have probably always been broken. One thing I do know for sure is that I have broken some other people that have been close to me.
If you feel like crying, then cry. Supressing the tears will only make it hurt more now AND later.

[unaluna]

yeah. in 96 or thereabouts, I had a r/s that crashed in a way that left me depleted, just flattened. I had nothing left inside me. I had never been THERE before. six years later I was getting fired for the last time, and I was not bouncing back as I had in the past. I was having work nightmares which i still have occasionally.

I believe it does come from building on shaky ground to begin with, at least in my case. now trying to rebuild, fwiw. who knows how much time any of us has left, or more importantly, what we can accomplish in that time.

[Beebizzy]

Yes. I will never be the person I was before my first episode. I can't put the parts together again and I can't find the same person. I also can't seem to live with that reality and move on, so basically it's the worst of all worlds. I'm trying to adapt and accept the new reality but it's not very easy. It feels like I'm in the wrong life. Oh well.

[moremi]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

Does anyone else feel this way? I've been down before. I've had crashes into depression before. I've even been suicidal before. But this is something different.

I left a miserable abusive marriage to get back together with an old lover who was also unhappy in her relationship. It was better than great for a few months, it was fantastic. I was flying high on a mania, although I didn't realize it, and we had a great future planned together. When it all caved in, I went from planning our wedding in the morning to dumped in the afternoon to suicidal by the next morning.

Now that I'm off the mania and back to my usual depressed self, I feel like there is something broken inside of me. I feel like I fell so far so fast and crashed so hard that something broke - maybe permanently. I've never been an emotional person - look at what I did for a living - you can't show emotion, you're not ALLOWED to show emotion. Now I can't make it through a day without crying multiple times. The loss of what I thought was true love still overwhelms me. Realizing the damage I did to my wife and kids pushes me over the edge and I can't control myself. My wife keeps telling me it's healthy, it's just 40 years of locked up emotions finally coming out, but I'm not sure if I believe her.

Does anyone else feel this way, like something inside you is permanently broken from your bp or other diagnoses?

I was at that point. I too left my family for a short lived relationship that I just knew was a God sent message for me to be with him. I cant make sense of it all now buy at the time I really thought God had sent this guy to me to save me. I thought that for whatever reason. I think he even played into it a bit. To break it down, he was young and also mentally ill. We were both just sick and he was into the older woman thing. I am 13 years older than him. So when this relationship crashed and burned which it was inevitably going to do because it was based on two manic personalities that met, I was left with nothing but myself and God. I lost it all due to my infidelity. I hit rock bottom so to speak. I had been with my husband for 18 years with no cheating. He was my high school sweetheart. We were that couple. The strong couple. When everything was gone I was alone and felt completely broken. I had no idea how to be a person by myself. I was completely lost and didnt know where to turn. My husband was there for me as a friend. He said he would never leave me as a friend we had too much history and we also have two children. I talked to him everyday and realized how very much he was in love with me. When we were together I had this idea in my head from past things that happened when we were younger in high school that he was just out to hurt me. Well, all along he was the only person in my life who actually stuck by me. I never could see it until I had completely lost him. So the night he told me he was no longer in love with me, He Did break something inside me.

That is what it took for me to snap into reality of life though. Had he not said that I would be living in this other world. He told me that and bam reality hit. I had lost everything in this life I loved and cherished. I wasnt going to get it back. He was there for me as a friend but could never be with me as a couple again because of the infidelity. He said I had broken something inside of him. He could never forget but he did forgive. This went on for months and the longer it did the more and more I loved and respected him in ways that were never there before. For me this is big. NO ONE gets that close to my heart ever. I have been burned all my life by loved ones and its not something I do. I just dont let people in to that spot of my heart. Well he slid right on in there and has been there since. A few months later I was doing the living on my own thing. Living for myself. I had never done it. It was new and good. I was getting back on my feet. Had just made a deposit on a new appartment. I was back to talking to God again. Just being a good person. I just wanted to leave a better place in this world because I had done nothing else. I lost my career, my family, my home and all I had was ME. I was getting my kids on weekends staying at my sisters place. I saw him all the time. Loved him deeply. Hurt everytime I saw him. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to come home, but I knew he was broke and that could never happen. Then one day I got a call from him. He had gotten into some trouble. He got a dui. He wanted me to come home to hiim now. See I thought he was just scared and here I was two days from moving into my apartment. Starting my new life. What should I do? I told him I loved him so much but i really needed to do this for myself because in the back of my mind he was only wanting me there because he was scared. Thought he needed me and would regret it in a few days. So I didnt go home. What on earth had I done? I had no idea. I was just doing what I thought was right. I got the keys to my appartment. Started painting and packing and was getting ready to move in. My 15 year old was going to stay with me. My 13 year old would stay with her dad. Our lives were splitting in a more permanent way as I was about to sign a lease in a different town. Something happened. I really believe God spoke in my ear. Here I had repainted and cleaned up this appartment in return for deposit money on the place. I had my keys, elec was coming out to change in my name in a few hours. I froze and couldnt move. I could not do this. My life was at home with him and my kids. My whole world had been turned upside down and I had started from the bottom again but here my old life was waiting for me. Only it wasnt my old life. It was a new life. A better life. A pure love. Something incredible and I just cant put into words what it is. He is my soul mate, I do know this. It took me breaking to be whole again. It took me going to the other side of life and having nothing to appreciate what I have and I now know I will never jeopardize this. That was last September that I just turned around and called canceled the elec. I didnt sign the lease instead just told him he could keep the money I had given him and the work I had done was on the house. Got my things and went home that night. I have been here since. I will never again question him or our love. I am whole again and he was the only one that was there for me all along while I drug myself up out of the gutter. He watched and helped when he could. We are divorced now, but together in a much more special way than marriage. Soul mates. Being broken can bring the best to your life even when it seems like you could just curl up and die. The way I felt when he said he had fallen out of love with me. He hadnt fallen out of love. He had been wounded and had to heal. Just wanted to share this. I dont know if you stuck through the whole thing I know its long. I just dont want you to give up hope on love. Because true love will be there when the dust settles and everything is calm. A family is worth saving no matter what. I believe in it with all my heart and soul. I am so happy to be with my family again and back to my life in a better way.

I have a different Dx; however, there was a point to where I did feel very "broken". I was unsure that I would ever be the same. And that the damage was irreparable; however, after separating myself from my abuser(s), becoming more self-reliant and not beating myself up any more, things started to slowly get better. Inch by inch. Step by step.

I am not perfect by any means and I have a ways to go; BUT the good news is that I am healthier version of myself and I realize that I don't have to live up to anyone's standards or values but my own (which are pretty darn good thanks to nature and my upbringing regarding social manners and the golden rule)

Also I am not looking for forgiveness or pats on the back from my abuser(s) or people in my life that helped keep me down. I am looking within and shining from a place that always existed. The light had been ALMOST extinguished because I believed all the ******** the horrible people in my life fed me. They tried their best, but there was a teeny part of me that wanted to live that was greater than their desire to get rid of me.

Now, I listen to me. I trust myself. And am more gentle and kind to myself. And have separated myself completely from the monsters. They can no longer hurt me. They are memories.

And I am doing just fine on my own - starting from scratch. I, in fact, like this version of myself so much better than just SELLING OUT AND GOING BACK TO WHAT IS FAMILIAR. that isn't ok anymore. Despite all the material stuff and money and cars and clothes.

The sacrifice (my self esteem and beautiful shining light) isn't worth it.

I look for validation and love and kindness and understanding and peace from within myself, my T, other healthy people in my life.

I am NOT defaulting to old behavior so I have some security. I absolutely refuse. I will not sell my soul one more second so I can have "things".

Sure it is scary. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I find that I have more courage now and am braver than I ever have been.

All those crazy people are in my past. And they can stay there. It's all about me and looking forward...And there is much to look forward to.

You can do it too if you want to.

But it's up to you Dear ((((Bow)))). You can be brave and face yourself and your demons with your T and group and keep moving forward and up.

Or you can continue to try to get validation from those things in the past that hurt you in the first place and spiral back down to that lower place in the gutter.

And you can give yourself credit where credit is do.

Wishing you all the best.