[faerie_moon_x]

Hello everyone,

Here is a question for those of you working.

I work full time. I work because I have to, really. But, I find that when I'm at home I feel much more at ease. I don't have as many racing thoughts. My mood is more stable. I still struggle with concentration and organization, but I just feel more relaxed. I don't feel as anxious, and even when I can't concentrate, I don't get irritated as easily by it.

But at work I'm a total mess.

Does anyone else notice this? I feel healthier at home. Like over the three day weekend, by yesterday I felt great. It was my third day home. I felt almost stable. Today, however, I'm back to being a mess, and I feel like I didn't have a single day off... I don't get it. Can work be making me worse?

[Trippin2.0]

When I was working, there were times when the sight of the entrance gave me a massive headache that lasted my entire shift and co-workers with their petty politics drove me up the wall... And being there just made me feel undone. I took sick leave when I honestly couldn't handle being at work without throttling someone, home was my sanctuary at these times. That being said. I'm sure for me it was mostly work-related pressure that caused it. I would never opt to stay at home, I just don't have it in me. Have you taken an honest assessment of your work environment, The people, your tasks, the whole dynamic? Maybe the fact that you have to be there as opposed to want to fuels your symptoms...

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

When I was working, there were times when the sight of the entrance gave me a massive headache that lasted my entire shift and co-workers with their petty politics drove me up the wall... And being there just made me feel undone. I took sick leave when I honestly couldn't handle being at work without throttling someone, home was my sanctuary at these times. That being said. I'm sure for me it was mostly work-related pressure that caused it. I would never opt to stay at home, I just don't have it in me. Have you taken an honest assessment of your work environment, The people, your tasks, the whole dynamic? Maybe the fact that you have to be there as opposed to want to fuels your symptoms...

I do work in a very hostile work environment. I do not fit into their little box, and because of that, they hate me. Despite having accomidations supposedly, I have them but can't really use them. Yet at the same time they keep me on, although that may chagne June 20th. They are going to gang up on me again for my 90 day review. They want me to sustain a certain level of productivity, which seems to never work out... I'm not allowed to make any mistakes.

So... part of me thinks it's the hours. Bigger part the environment... and then some of me wonders if it has something to do with the bipolar.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm no expert, but my guess is that your job is fuelling your bipolar fire big time... Sorry to hear how crappy it is, that must be über-stressful, on so many different levels. Stress+ bipolar= disaster. Have you looked at getting employment elsewhere? I strongly suggest it

[faerie_moon_x]

I would like that. Right now I'm the only one working. My husband is looking for a job. I have been looking around for years. A huge part of my anxiety on it is getting into another situation just like the one I'm in. I'm trying to find something less stressful. I've put in a few places but never heard back.

[Trippin2.0]

I really hope something more suitable comes along.

[bluemountains]

I am definitely more relaxed at home. The pressure for hiding my moods isn't needed. My dread for going to work begins as soon as I wake up. Once I get there, I usually do okay and I actually love teaching; however, when I am extremely depressed, I cry very easily, so I try to hold my tears until my planning period.
Bluemountains

[BipolaRNurse]

Being a nurse-manager in an assisted-living facility is no picnic, either. Fifty-hour weeks are the norm, and sometimes I just want to slap the snot out of the residents' family members who stick their heads into my office and scream at me about something that I have nothing to do with. Today, it was a 60-something daughter kvetching about her mother's missing laundry.

Number one, I'm the NURSE. I am not the laundry person, and I don't give a rat's ***** about someone's dainties when I've got a diabetic whose blood sugars are going into the dumper. Number two, why is it that some people feel they're entitled to treat healthcare professionals like something they just scraped off the bottom of their shoe? And number three.....if that's all they have to gripe about, they need to get a freaking LIFE, or better yet, if they think they can do a better job of taking care of their loved one, why don't they take Mom or Dad home and take care of her/him themselves?!

Don't get me wrong---I actually love my job (except for the above parts of it) and am extremely fortunate to have a director who respects me and doesn't micromanage me, and who works around my appointments and even takes on some of my stuff when I'm going through a bad patch. He knows I'm bipolar and doesn't hold it against me. So I'm in no hurry to go anywhere else, even though it's hard on me to do five-day weeks and have so little downtime.

But ya know, if I could afford to retire, or work part-time, I'd quit in a New York minute. Nursing is an extremely stressful occupation, and as much as I've enjoyed it, I'm waging a battle with myself that I know I'm losing because I don't know what else I could do and afford to maintain my current lifestyle. I can't make it on a Wal-Mart greeter's pay, even though sometimes that's all I should trust myself to do, because I'm the only one working (hubby is retired for health reasons, but won't be eligible for SS till next winter).

Maybe when he's got an income again, I'll be able to throttle back some.....in the meantime, I'm just gonna hang on. What other choice do I have?

[hanners]

I find work really fuels the hypomania for me, when I'm having an episode. Especially the racing thoughts. When I have racing thoughts, I tend to jump from task to task, which just makes it even worse.

I only work part-time, which helps a great deal for managing. But I can't escape my work environment - I work from home. Not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. It definitely makes it harder to motivate myself when I'm depressed, and when hypomanic I'm easily distracted.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think if I could work either 4 hour days or 3 days a week, I'd do pretty good. But at this time that's not going to happen.

Like hanners said, I have intense racing thoughts. I can't focus. I jump from task to task. I make a lot of mistakes, (which, remember, are not allowed.) And even when I think I'm doing good, I'm not. Because the worse I am the less I can tell something is wrong when it comes to mania, because I also have that whole grandios thinking. "I'm doing awesome! I can't believe how great I'm doing! Nothing can stop me!" And I'm actually a whirlwind of chaos, but I can't tell....

The overlords have no idea, plus think bipolar is a fake excuse illness, and I should be able to leave it at the door. Wouldn't that be nice?

The issue is... I have been having some type of depression or mania every day for about three years now. Even when I was on meds it wasn't curbing it. I litterally sit at my desk half the time and feel like I'm actually losing my mind. I've had "better" days and worse days, but mostly this weird middle ground. The only time I've had a reprive from it was during my maternity leave. But the second I got back at my desk it started again. I get my work done, but like I said, when I'm "worse" I have no idea how many mistakes or how bad I'm doing.

[Dragonfly33]

Oh Dark Heart, I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time. I do feel your pain.

I worked at a job for almost 5 years like that. I didn't fit their profile either. I worked hard, did everything they asked and never said no. I used to cry and smoke a bunch of cigarettes in the car on my way to work. A 50 hour work week was the norm. My day started at 8am, we worked through lunch and at 8pm, the boss would say: "leaving so soon?" Morale sucked, management told us we were lucky to be employed due to economy.

You know what I did? I started paying attention to my hostile environment and took notes. I educated myself on my HR rights as an employee. Got sleepy meds and note from doc (for being late). I started taking my breaks. I started taking my lunch outside the office (yes, the entire hour). I started going home at a normal hour unless they required me to work overtime. Guess what they did? Yep, they fired me for my decline in work. I applied for unemployment (they contested) and I won.

[Red_Cyclops]

Hi, Dark Heart. I'm so sorry to hear this. It is a terrible feeling, and I can relate to your struggle. I had a job I was not very happy with for about 3 years until I got a new one about 11 months ago. I had the same problem - it was just very stressful and I did not get along with everyone there. The anxiety and racing thoughts, mood swings, and other feelings were overwhelming at times. At one point I went home early because I had to get out and felt like I needed to be hospitalized. It used to be such a relief to go home, and then I dreaded going to work every day.

I honestly feel that it was my unhappiness with the job and the fact that I did not fit in there, because the new job I have been at for a little less than a year has had the exact opposite effect, even though there is more pressure to perform than my last job! The difference is that I really like the people I work with and the environment is just so much more calm and professional. I don't feel judged and everyone is pleasant. I actually manage BETTER at work now than I do at home - home life can be stressful with two disabled children. Work sometimes has a calming effect where I can concentrate on something other than issues with my kids, working along with people I like being around.

I wish you all the best in finding something better. I really think you will find that if you are happier at work, you will be able to manage much better. Maybe work will always be stressful, but hopefully it does not have to be miserable.

[faerie_moon_x]

I believe if I get fired, I'm going to take my reviews, write ups, and my bipolar diagnosis to the unemployment office. I don't know much about all that, but I know that when I started I got steller review. Then every year (which began the year of my diagnosis,) I have been in steady decline until this year when I got the lowest review and I'm on 90 day probation. On the 20th is my next review, so either that day it will be game over or more of the same...

[faerie_moon_x]

The only thing I fear about game over, is no income for my famiily. I've been without a home, food, and all of the things we have now before. I never want to go back there. I work so hard to keep us out of it. We may be poor but we're not that bad. That's the only thing I get anxiety over is stupid money. If it wasn't for money, I'd be gone and out of there....

Where is that winning lottery ticket when you need it?

[Red_Cyclops]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

The only thing I fear about game over, is no income for my famiily. I've been without a home, food, and all of the things we have now before. I never want to go back there. I work so hard to keep us out of it. We may be poor but we're not that bad. That's the only thing I get anxiety over is stupid money. If it wasn't for money, I'd be gone and out of there....

Where is that winning lottery ticket when you need it?

I hear you - I lost my job a few years ago for a decline in my work performance - it was shortly after my diagnosis and things just went downhill. My family was without an income for quite awhile. I was able to get unemployment to help keep up a little. If you do get let go, file for unemployment immediately. Most companies will not contest it, but you never know. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Dragonfly33]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I believe if I get fired, I'm going to take my reviews, write ups, and my bipolar diagnosis to the unemployment office. I don't know much about all that, but I know that when I started I got steller review. Then every year (which began the year of my diagnosis,) I have been in steady decline until this year when I got the lowest review and I'm on 90 day probation. On the 20th is my next review, so either that day it will be game over or more of the same...

I too had great reviews until I was diagnosed and had to tell them. I'd never been reprimanded but my reviews got increasingly worse.

We had to cut many things but unemployment kept us afloat. So did eBay (I sold everything we didn't want or need) and Farmers' Markets (so cheap!)

If you have the time, do your homework. Find out about the HR laws where you live. Are you in the US?

[BipolaRNurse]

Doesn't bipolar fall somewhere within the Americans with Disabilities Act? Your employer may need to make some accommodations for your condition, and could face penalties if they fail to do so within reason. Check into it!

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, I am in the US, and yes, I do have "accomidations" in place within reason. But those do not matter to them... I probably need different ones now, but they are highly unreasonable. And I work in health care, too... so it really makes me angry because I see the inside of the system.

I had my monthly meeeting today, though, and it went well, which I wasn't expecting. I just know I have to keep looking. I'm also glad my husband is looking, because it will take a lot of pressure off of me.

[kj44]

I work full time, but, I have a pretty easy job, and, I work second shift so I don't worry about the sleep thing. I'm always freaked on my first day back to work, but, it actually gives me some good stability. I have troubles on my days off, my mind is really crazy then. Maybe you could try a different shift? Best of luck to you