I have recently been diagnosed with BP II after a traumatic breakup and a bout of severe depression. I have always been a little off per say; overly sensitive, emotional and so on. Not until now do I understand that there was something else going on. While at first I was relived to find out that there was a reason for my “craziness” now however it has just added to my increasing self-hatred. I have always struggled with self-hatred but in the last few months it has gotten really bad. I find that I cannot or will not do the most basic things for myself; eat, clean the house even take a shower. I know that part of it is the depression, but what I find is that I do not do these things because I can’t sand myself. Looking at my body disgusts me. I find fault with everything about me; from by head to my toes. I refuse to clean my house because I hate everything I own. I find severely compare myself to my ex’s new fiancé even though I don’t even know her. I am very analytical and very smart (Wow a component) so I can convince myself logically of anything. I just feel overwhelmed by this constant negative voice within me. It will not stop; my thought process will not change. So very frustrated with myself!

[hamster-bamster]

Wow, I am a bit similar, what with difficulties with showering, cleaning, and cooking for myself! I bet it is also difficult to cook after the break-up since you are used to cooking for the family and now you are alone. What ARE you eating in the meantime???

[bluematador]

http://www.self-compassion.org/

Hi, This website has some great resources for self compassion. There arre exercises you can print out. I grew up abused and filled with self hatred. I still struggle with it. I've been practicing the self compassion exercises through writing for a month now it is has been a great help to me. I've stopped beating myself up so much. I hope it is some help to you.

Well when i do it is pizza or Chinese. I have not been eating much lately which i know is bad since it adds to my depression.

Thanks Bluematardor I will check it out.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Wow, I am a bit similar, what with difficulties with showering, cleaning, and cooking for myself! I bet it is also difficult to cook after the break-up since you are used to cooking for the family and now you are alone. What ARE you eating in the meantime???

Looks like my reply got lost. When i eat is it pizza and Chinese. Pretty sad i have to say.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nena25

Looks like my reply got lost. When i eat is it pizza and Chinese. Pretty sad i have to say.

That is sad. It will lead to nutrient deficiency, which will contribute to depression. So you are in a vicious circle. Can you think of anything you can cook for yourself? One-minute oatmeal for breakfast for starters? If you fill it with different components (chopped dates, berries, nuts, etc., with butter, without butter) it would be less boring than pizza and Chinese, no? What else can you think of - something simple - that you can bear the thought of cooking for yourself?

[faerie_moon_x]

I also struggle with self-hatred. I've had it for a long time. When I was a teen I specifically paid attention in class, when we learned about anorexia, to learn how to not eat so that no one would notice. I believed that I was not deserving of food, and would purposefully starve myself. So, I've been there. It's pretty much a form of SI (self-injury) which I also struggle with.

I don't hate myself quite so much any more. I still don't like the way i look or my body at all. I have this weird thing where I have a different mental image how I look, to the point I dont' like looking in the mirror, because it doesn't look like me. But aside from my appearance, I've come to find things I like about myself.

I'm a good singer. When my brain is working I'm actually a decent writer. I'm very creative and artistic. I'm funny. I'm caring. I'm smart. I'm important to my family (my husband and kids and mother-in-law.) And so on...

So, it's good to list those things. You already started. You're intelligant and analytical. Those are good things! Every day try to find one new thing. Write them down. But don't put them in a journal. Like, hang one on the fridge. Put on on the bathroom mirror. One by the door before you go out. Just put them around and read them outloud to yourself.

I know it sounds silly, but it does help.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is sad. It will lead to nutrient deficiency, which will contribute to depression. So you are in a vicious circle. Can you think of anything you can cook for yourself? One-minute oatmeal for breakfast for starters? If you fill it with different components (chopped dates, berries, nuts, etc., with butter, without butter) it would be less boring than pizza and Chinese, no? What else can you think of - something simple - that you can bear the thought of cooking for yourself?

If I have fruit in the house I will eat that. The thing is i have been in a deep depression going on a few weeks, some days I am on the ok side, but even then the thought of cooking exhausts me. So cooking is really hard or even thinking about cooking is hard. I think the oatmeal idea may work. I may even have some in the house. The other problem is i am terrified to go to the store; ex boyfriend shops at the same store (closes to my house) and he is a major trigger, besides I don't ever know what to get when I do go...I must eat though...
Ideas:
Boiled egged
Oatmeal (thanks hamster-bamster)
Fruit
Yogurt
May be some caned soups.
Looks like i have a shooing list LOL

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I also struggle with self-hatred. I've had it for a long time. When I was a teen I specifically paid attention in class, when we learned about anorexia, to learn how to not eat so that no one would notice. I believed that I was not deserving of food, and would purposefully starve myself. So, I've been there. It's pretty much a form of SI (self-injury) which I also struggle with.

I don't hate myself quite so much any more. I still don't like the way i look or my body at all. I have this weird thing where I have a different mental image how I look, to the point I dont' like looking in the mirror, because it doesn't look like me. But aside from my appearance, I've come to find things I like about myself.

I'm a good singer. When my brain is working I'm actually a decent writer. I'm very creative and artistic. I'm funny. I'm caring. I'm smart. I'm important to my family (my husband and kids and mother-in-law.) And so on...

So, it's good to list those things. You already started. You're intelligant and analytical. Those are good things! Every day try to find one new thing. Write them down. But don't put them in a journal. Like, hang one on the fridge. Put on on the bathroom mirror. One by the door before you go out. Just put them around and read them outloud to yourself.

I know it sounds silly, but it does help.

thanks dark_heart_x !!

Not silly at all and I am going to try it. I have put "smart" on my computer screen to start. :-)
You are right about the self-injury part. I think I really do it to hurt myself...It is one of the things I feel I have any control over anymore. I must work on it though. I do eat if there is food put in front of me I just don't have the energy to cook it myself, shop for myself or do dishes...blah. I did cook and even cleaned the house two weeks ago, but I was on a high. To bad I don't cook a lot and freeze it when I am up that way when i am low i have something to eat in the house.
Next time maybe.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Nena25

thanks dark_heart_x !!

Not silly at all and I am going to try it. I have put "smart" on my computer screen to start. :-)
You are right about the self-injury part. I think I really do it to hurt myself...It is one of the things I feel I have any control over anymore. I must work on it though. I do eat if there is food put in front of me I just don't have the energy to cook it myself, shop for myself or do dishes...blah. I did cook and even cleaned the house two weeks ago, but I was on a high. To bad I don't cook a lot and freeze it when I am up that way when i am low i have something to eat in the house.
Next time maybe.

That's actually a really good idea, to cook for depression when your manic....

The cleaning thin, I struggle with cleaning. I am terrible and getting worse. I feel bad about it too. I do the laundry, then can't seem to put it away. I can't keep up with the dishes. I hate to cook to begin with, so that's no fun... I think that messiness is a symptom of the illness in a way. There's that saying "A cluttered desk is evidence of a cluttered mind." Well, I think that's true!

Just remember to be forgiving of yourself. "I didn't put the laundry away but at least I have clean clothes."

Another thing... try to shower. Get to the store and buy yourself a luxurious body soap, like a creamy one. Then take a nice shower. I find that sometimes taking a shower washes the monsters away. It makes me feel human again. When I feel really depressed, I force myself into the shower, and I do actually feel better after. Also, depression causes me to ache physically because I have psychosomatism (my body hurts for imaginary reasons, or something.) So, I think the warm water really helps that.

[Confusedinomicon]

Going outside can help depression. You should try to sunbath for 10-15 minutes, which can easily be done by taking a short walk.

Giving yourself small goals that are EASY to complete helps.
For example: Maybe you need to throw away the trash because you've ordered food for a few days. Make it your day goal to throw the trash out.

I hate doing chores around the house, but I have used this method to keep my apartment clean.

Remember to reward yourself for completing goals. Even if you aren't interested in anything at the moment, try to do something that used to interest you.

Find ways to communicate with people. Talking about problems and connecting with people always helps.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nena25

If I have fruit in the house I will eat that. The thing is i have been in a deep depression going on a few weeks, some days I am on the ok side, but even then the thought of cooking exhausts me. So cooking is really hard or even thinking about cooking is hard. I think the oatmeal idea may work. I may even have some in the house. The other problem is i am terrified to go to the store; ex boyfriend shops at the same store (closes to my house) and he is a major trigger, besides I don't ever know what to get when I do go...I must eat though...
Ideas:
Boiled egged
Oatmeal (thanks hamster-bamster)
Fruit
Yogurt
May be some caned soups.
Looks like i have a shopping list LOL

Make sure the oatmeal is a 1-3 minute one. Steel cut oats take 25-30 minutes on the stove top. You do not want to deal with it now! When does the ex shop, at random hours or predictably? For yogurts, try maple ones, they are irresistibly yummy and smooth! And, make a list before you go shopping or email a list to your smartphone if that is what you have. I play a game with myself - I email myself a list, walk around the store shopping from memory and only then check the list. If I "get" most of the items, it is gratifying. Every little bit of fun helps...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Nena25

thanks dark_heart_x !!

I just don't have the energy to cook it myself, shop for myself or do dishes...

Or come on! Go to a drugstore and buy the largest, cheapest per count set of paper dishes. Postpone dishwashing until you feel better. I do dishes primarily because my plates belonged to my great grandmother, they are pretty and I like to eat off them, but otherwise I would have given myself a break with paper plates.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

That's actually a really good idea, to cook for depression when your manic....

The cleaning thin, I struggle with cleaning. I am terrible and getting worse. I feel bad about it too. I do the laundry, then can't seem to put it away. I can't keep up with the dishes. I hate to cook to begin with, so that's no fun... I think that messiness is a symptom of the illness in a way. There's that saying "A cluttered desk is evidence of a cluttered mind." Well, I think that's true!

Just remember to be forgiving of yourself. "I didn't put the laundry away but at least I have clean clothes."

Another thing... try to shower. Get to the store and buy yourself a luxurious body soap, like a creamy one. Then take a nice shower. I find that sometimes taking a shower washes the monsters away. It makes me feel human again. When I feel really depressed, I force myself into the shower, and I do actually feel better after. Also, depression causes me to ache physically because I have psychosomatism (my body hurts for imaginary reasons, or something.) So, I think the warm water really helps that.

I have always been so good at keeping my house clean, but since i hit rock bottom it has been really hard to do it. I think that in the past my obsessive cleaning habits where an attempt at maintaining control over something. I was so meticulousness; now I see that it was when I was manic that I was cleaning like a wild woman. Well I guess I have given up in some way. My unwillingness to take a shower or bath I think stems from the disgust i feel for my body. Mind you I do shower when i really have to...I did this morning for work Yahoo!!!

Thanks for your advise dark_heart_x By the way I don't put the laundry away ether. I dress out of the laundry basket... Dirty cloths just go on the floor.
This depression will pass i just know it!

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Going outside can help depression. You should try to sunbath for 10-15 minutes, which can easily be done by taking a short walk.

Giving yourself small goals that are EASY to complete helps.
For example: Maybe you need to throw away the trash because you've ordered food for a few days. Make it your day goal to throw the trash out.

I hate doing chores around the house, but I have used this method to keep my apartment clean.

Remember to reward yourself for completing goals. Even if you aren't interested in anything at the moment, try to do something that used to interest you.

Find ways to communicate with people. Talking about problems and connecting with people always helps.

Today's goal: empty the dishwasher and refill I with the mounting dirty dishes!

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Make sure the oatmeal is a 1-3 minute one. Steel cut oats take 25-30 minutes on the stove top. You do not want to deal with it now! When does the ex shop, at random hours or predictably? For yogurts, try maple ones, they are irresistibly yummy and smooth! And, make a list before you go shopping or email a list to your smartphone if that is what you have. I play a game with myself - I email myself a list, walk around the store shopping from memory and only then check the list. If I "get" most of the items, it is gratifying. Every little bit of fun helps...

What is funny is I do have a list on my smartphone and it keeps growing. When manic I get grand ideas about cooking interesting dinners (Thai, Indian). I and sit there for hours looking at cookbooks and adding to my ever growing list. It the the problem of actually getting the food then cooking it. I am a very good cook when I am not depressed. (wow I gave myself another compliment) I will have to put that one on the fridge). Now i just need to get to the dang store. I am not sure when the ex shops, but i think Sunday mornings would be a good time to make a dash to the store since he is at church...I really hate that he had to move so close with his fiance. I am afraid to go out on my porch for fear of seeing him/them drive by. When i do it feels like the world is closing in on me. Sorry, did not mean to go in to that.
Goal :
Shopping this Sunday!

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Or come on! Go to a drugstore and buy the largest, cheapest per count set of paper dishes. Postpone dishwashing until you feel better. I do dishes primarily because my plates belonged to my great grandmother, they are pretty and I like to eat off them, but otherwise I would have given myself a break with paper plates.

Haha Now that is an great idea!