Help/Advice?

Hi, I'm Rue. I'm 18, from Canada.
I suffer from severe symptoms related to bi-polar depression.
At least that's what I've been told, over, and over again..
(By certified psychiatrists and counsellors)
Yet, nobody has treated me for it.
I didn't want to be treated, in fact, when they told me I was bi-polar,
I denied it again and again. I know that if I am bi-polar..
I will be like this forever. I don't want to be like this.
I just want to be the old me, before I had a kid and went insane.
I gave her up for adoption, maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was
the post-partum, but many members in my family suffer from mental illnesses.
(This was over two years ago)
My doctors refuse to treat me for it, maybe because I never told them
that I've had psychiatrists and counsellors tell me what they thought.
Too afraid to use the word "bi-polar"- like, if I don't say it, I don't have it.
They just don't get it, when I try to understand..
I've been to evaluations, I've seen counsellors, but when it comes to the actual M.D... they can't tell me what's wrong, they say, they can't help me.
Every single time, again and again.
They don't know why I'm even there.
I just need to be able to cope with this.
I am not coping very well.
I think that being medicated, or at least identified as bi-polar,
might help me deal with it. But pretending it's not there isn't doing anything for me. I just can't handle all the highs and lows that are totally disproportional to every day situations- the paranoia and anxiety- the irrational things I do when I'm like that... I'm afraid I could hurt myself.
I've already alienated everybody around me.
I just need help. I don't know what to do.
Relationships.. are a disaster.
I can't tell any friends or family, there's a stigma, don't you know?
And I won't be taken seriously. It happens every time I bring it up..
Anyway, I digress.
Does anybody have any advice or tips?

It's hard to come to terms with a diagnosis a d accept it but you definitely need to get help. A counsellor can help to get you to accept it. There are lots of meds out there so talking with a psychiatrist about medication is a good idea. There is no quick fix but with Therapy and meds it does get better.

Ah, I guess I should have mentioned.. I don't have access to "therapy". I have walk in clinics, walk in counselling, and a general practitioner.

Ruebus,
I was really hard for me to accept that I was or as I like to say I am suffering from Bipolar. But once i accepted it it helped me come to terms with why I feel and act the way i do. It helped me realize that I was not just crazy but that there was a reason for my behavior. It also has made me more aware, thus able to handle my highs and lows better. It sounds like the adoption was a big trigger that sent you into the full swing of disorder. I also had a big trigger that sent me over the edge, and only found out I was bipolar because of it.
I agree with Blackpup that you really need to see some so that you can get help. There must be some way for you to get to a counselor. To be honest I have been on four different Meds since i was diagnosed and am not sure if they are working. Like you I have really bad depression and my highs are not all that high unlike others, thus the reason i was in denial about being BP.
Well we are here to support you! Communicating is key to understanding.
Big hugs!

First off, I am very similar to you in how I used to look at Bipolar. I had loved ones, the few people closest to me in my life, tell me I was bipolar and to get it looked into. For about 13 years I avoided looking into it until very recently and a few docs have agreed with what my family and girlfriends have said... I'm bipolar.

This week I had a counselor tell me something that really helped me with coming to terms with this. Once you get a diagnoses, it does NOT change the person Rue is, but it sure gives Rue a better chance to help herself get better. I really believe that. You are Rue, your name and personality does not change once you get a title for the things that have been bothering you. You just have a better chance to help fix the things that eat at you.

So embrace bipolar and admit to yourself what you are, because (as cheesy as it sounds), the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. And only you need to embrace it, it doesn't mean you have to go on a tour and tell all your friends and family you're bipolar. You just have to admit to yourself what you are and then understand you can get help. Even if friends and family don't understand your issues, you got people that love you.

I snipped that part of the quote because it made me wonder... are you telling all doctors the same thing you tell the counselors? Or do you vent everything to a counselor but hold back from an MD? Seeing you say "I never told them..." made me wonder. Because the only want to get the proper help is to be honest with the professionals you are having help you. That could be easier said than done if you are not comfortable with the people who are helping. I would say keep looking for someone you can be comfy with so you can pour your heart out, that will get you the help you need.

I saw a counselor twice early this year, told her that I had to look into bipolar and she asked some questions about it. I was "fine" at the time (which is part of bipolar, sometimes you are manic, other times depressed and once and a while right in the middle) so I was in a mood to tell her "Things are fine, I am coping with everything at the moment". It was like my mind was smart enough to not let people know what was really wrong. And that did NOT help me. It led me to more months of incredibly impulsive behavior, depression and I ruined 2 relationships in that time period. My more recent experience I have been much more honest with counselors and my doc and it made me realize I need help, I can't do it alone. Honesty is key, I think.

Can you GP refer you to a psychiatrist?