[Moose72]

I got a letter saying I didn't make it into school. It tOld me to take more lessons! I've been crying on and off all day. Took myself to the movies. Non bf isn't coming to give me a hug. I wandered the neighborhood after dark disassociating and took Vicodin to check out. My whole plan to move seems gone. I'm not a good singer anymore. My life means what? And I got little to no comforting today. I thought about drinking but haven't.

[Moose72]

Thinking of having some brandy...

[Moose72]

And some Ativan. Maybe that will dull my sorrows.

[Moose72]

Mmmmmm..... Brandy burns as it goes down

I'm sorry for the bad news. It's okay to be upset about it, but try to find ways to cope that aren't going to be destructive. The movie earlier was a good idea; the drinking -- not so much. Just don't want you to do something you will regret later. Please take care of yourself.

[Eloise42]

My gut is telling me that you are in a rough place and maybe think specific attention will make it better. And I don't want to sound judgemental because I've been to that place. This forum is probably a good place to look for support and understanding right now, but I wouldn't bet on getting what you want right now from your bf.

This might be one of those serenity prayer moments. I am not religious, or even really spiritual and I'm not an alcoholic but there is some really helpful wisdom in the serenity prayer and I think it pertains to mental health.

so maybe time to take stock of what you can change, what you can't and how to tell the difference?

[Moose72]

I feel very drunk

[Moose72]

Per said to go to sleep. I may feel yucky though.

[~Christina]

Moose Im sorry you are having such a bad day .

Pleaseeeee take care of yourself (((( Hugs)))

[venusss]

I just wanted to point out this...........

I'm not a good singer anymore.

BS. Do you have any idea how many good artists were not accepted to schools?

I cannot judge if you are "good" or not as I never heard you, but could be you just don't fit in the mold of what they are asking...

And I am pretty sure there are other things that you can do... skills and capibilities. Does your local dept. of employment have career consultants? That'd be good place to turn to for advice on what to do...

[BNLsMOM]

I hope you feel better soon. Try not to self destruct over this. I know it is upsetting and devistating to get a letter that affects your dreams, but it is just one school. I am sure there is a school that you belong at.

[Moose72]

There is only one other local school. I can't move because of my divorce papers and my kids. I feel like I'll never get away from the hell I'm in.

[noneedtoknow]

Ahhh, the **** it's. They only work temporarily and usually end up giving us worse problems. It is good mental health to strive for a goal and not meet that goal and be dissapointed. It is not good mental health to destruct. Step back, regroup and try to look at what you can/want to do next. The beating up, retrogroove doesn't work. What can you learn, how can you move forward (if that is indeed what you want to do at this time) at least you have a talent..I'm sure it brings alot to you. Hang in there

[Moose72]

I'm not beating myself up. I know I did a good job. I just wanted to be removed from my brain after. I worked so hard in the last two weeks. And it seemed everything went well that day. So it must be that there were personal reasons that they rejected me. Shoes hair personality age who knows.

[eskielover]

Moose.....seems I remember talking about the music situation with you in the past. I took piano lessons from the time I was 5 years old.....then in junior high, I decided to learn the flute. I took lessons, played in the band, orchestra & chamber groups......I got into college & thought....shoot, the only thing I have done all my life is music, so I should be good enough to get my degree in it.

I went to the local junior college & actually got my AA degree in music. Took all the classes & also took lessons & even bought a beautiful silver professional flute......I thought I was serious about my music, but I always knew that there were others out there who were so much better than I was.....& I could practice 8 hours a day & end up not improving to the point they were........I realized that with music, we can be good & we are quite capable of performing & doing well.....but when I decided to go on to get my BA in music, I realized that there was just no way that I could ever be as good as the others. I couldn't come close to playing the music that was required at the different levels of proficiency. I wasn't putting myself down.....I was being realistic. I think it's hard for a musician to be realistic because we are able to perform at certain levels & do it very successfully. But when I got into the degree classes & Jean Pierre Rampal actually did a clinic at our college.....the most outstanding flutist in the world (IMO)......my fingers would have been stumbling all over my flute. I played some really wonderful chamber music performances, but the level required to get through an hour senior recital would have been completely impossible. It left me for quite awhile, wondering what direction I needed to go in because I was determined to come out of college with a degree & a career.......that was when I looked into computers & accounting & business programming......there are plenty of other possibilities........the thing with music is that we do have some level of talent.......but it's important for us to be honest with ourselves & honestly know if we really do have the talent to achieve the level that is required for graduating.

I have a friend who got her music degree in voice.....it was the most grueling senior recital she had to perform.....lots of classical & some opera. I played a flute part for one of the pieces she performed, so had the wonderful opportunity to listen to her senior recital. Music is not an easy major......it's not just the performing, but there are lots of harmony classes & writing music & knowing the history. The school work part of it is the easiest & if that was all that was required, I would have done well.

I loved playing my flute & played much until 5 years ago when it was stolen out of my truck when I was driving back to California to bring more of my things to KY when I left my husband after 33 years of being married.....loosing that flute was a huge crush on my life as it had been a huge part of my life & helped me get through some major depression...but haven't been able to replace it & just can't play a lessor flute.........music can still be a huge part of our life even if we don't have the degree in it. It's better to focus on a degree that will really take you into a career that will pay & that will be a successful direction for your life.....you can always enjoy music & perform at the level you are comfortable without having to have the degree.

It's hard when they are the ones telling you that you aren't as good as they want......it's really not that much easier when I had to tell myself that same thing.

I understand when you have your mind set on one direction & end up finding a road block.....I found that road blocks are for a good reason most times because it forces me to go in a different direction that usually turns out better in the long run & I never would have gone that way if I hadn't run into the road block.

Don't spend time getting drunk & feeling sorry for yourself.....put your energy into looking for another direction.....it's ok to grieve.....but not to hurt yourself in the grieving process. Take care....a new path will show up & it's important for you to go looking for what will interest you......I am sure you will find your interest & will still be able to enjoy your singing.

[Moose72]

This is what I've done and been good at my whole lIfe. I was a voice major my first time in college. I got a grant! Am I just old and my experience not worth anything?

[Moose72]

I've had a good and bad day. I feel nobody loves me except my kids. I saw the dr about my belly issue. New plan. Hope it helps. But no cure. Feel I've lost my best friend. That he never was.

[Moose72]

I want to cry that my friends are running from me.

[Moose72]

I still keep thinking about Sui. About the other night when I almost was successful it seems. When per didn't care. Being confused if that much drugs was really not a big deal. Still having ally friends run from me. Feeling so alone. Having just my kids who love me. But they can only live me- not support me.