[Clinte89]

Well honestly everything but school is the current thought in my head, no my truck, no my gma annoying me, no uh idk... Well Lets stick with school lol

Good intro eh? Anyway School is coming up again soon Ive been out for about three semesters because things started really going down hill, I started failing classes not showing up, showing up drunk, or strung out wither way ther general idea is I was inebriated in some way, but Ive been to rehab so now sober! Yay kinda yay lol. Anyway Im worried if I go back Ill quit going or Ill start poping pills and drinking again. Im worried ill get stressed and go back to my self destructive routine. I worry that Ill fail again because Im so close to finishing with two count em two degrees whicked right? Well anyway I was going to take 6 classes and now Im down to 3. which I think will be easier to manage.

Now to my truck, I tried to sui in it after a wood brothers concert. They sang luckiest man I was drunk and figured they are right you cant run or hide so lets do this and only damaged my poor baby and now I have no job debt out my *** and now way to fix it and on top of that a Dui to pay for. I love my truck why did I wreck her? Poor baby. She is a lowered ford ranger extra cab with 18" rims or it did have 18's till I bent them hitting a pole but I drove home on them lol That was a bad night for me. First night staying in a mental facility where they dx me as depressed gave me more ad's and so I went a bit wild on the anti depressants.

Anway my grandma is very needy she is lazy and 79 so if you can only imagine and Im home all day so Im like a freaking butler. How do i stop that. I eel I cant say no she bailed me out of jail.

Rant over any advice on any of this?

I would be lazy at 79 to Clinte mate!

give her a break...she is not equipped to deal with you and get on your knees thank her for the bail!...

man...I empathise with you it's all happening you are in the tumble dryer experience it seems ...go around come back around it's hot as hell and you still can't dry out!

these things are typical young bloke screw ups I had my fair share I just had trouble getting out of the bad stuff...

it can drag you down further can you decide to climb out?

or will it kill you or try to?

[Clinte89]

I hear you dblmonkey, I just want to yell at her right now but I know that will be bad so ill have to yell at the wall. Im just very angry, anxious and irritable right now so its easy to be mad at her I know its not her fault. Thanks for the words.

..no worries

walls are good to yell at.....

try doing it in the mirror dude...thats kinda weird!

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, school will be better because now you are sober, and hopefully learned coping techniques in rehab, and hopefully you are going to meetings outside of rehab? Like AA or something? If not maybe start doing that and get yourself a sponsor to call if you're feeling tempted. Having some type of support system will help. Just like PC knowing people who understand something of what you're going through or been through is really helpful!

Also, it is good you are taking only 3 classes. Don't bite off more than you can chew, as the saying goes. Maybe make notes for yourself somewhere if you go manic that pop up or you see everyday saying, "No seriously, don't take on more projects right now. I mean it!" Or something.

Truck... i hear that. No money, broken truck. My car was stolen last year. I couldn't afford a new one. Thankfully my dad gave me his old chevy. But, the breaks need fixing, the heater doesn't work, the cool air doesn't work, the door handle broke off, and it's missing seat belts, so I can't take all my kids at once.... It will be one year Saturday that I have a truck I can't afford to fix.

Why did you do it? Because that's what the suicide demon does to you. It whispers lies in your ears while you're vulnerable and if you're not in a good place to fight back, well bad things happen. That's why its good you're doing better now and sober, that's a good first step to fighting back.

And grandma? Well, maybe for now the best thing to say is "I love you, grandma. Thank you, grandma." It was good of her to bail you out. If all she expects in payback is a little TLC, then that's better than if she's on you 24/7 with "where's my money!"

[Clinte89]

I suppose your right well I know your right. Thanks for the advice. ill def make notes. I wish I had done that today I promised to many things but oh well Im bad about not saying no thats unrelated to mania btw just me.

yeah my poor baby, I cant believe I did that to her I thought for some reason that it would work when it didnt I drove her home suprised I didnt get pulled over. Ran in the house to grab the gun my friend was there and saved my life by tackleing me we got in a fight but he handcuffed me and took me to the er. Why did I do it, well I was and still am tired of fighting, I had some good ups but the downs where so bad it was unbearable they are bearable now. I just wanted it to stop.

Your right my grandma could be asking for money all the time and she has always been there for me no matter what when my family wasn't so I guess ill hold my tounge and continue to do what I do.

[Clinte89]

I feel Im obsessed with these ideas. I get one idea out of my head and I obsess about even more its like there is a tornado of thoughts in my head some of which include SI an other bad things. Why do I obsess over ideas?

[BuggsBunny]

I think your meds need a wee bit of adjusting before school starts to get rid of the obsessive thoughts and the SI. You want to be in good shape when you begin.

Taking only 3 classes is good, you don't want to over do it and increase your stress. Wise choice, that one.

[Clinte89]

We are still playing with my cocktail and im just worried i wont be ready like im still fighting depression which has gotten better th si has gotten better to i havent even tried in a few weeks this is after going months without it idk why i even do it really i guess old habbits, anyway we are still tweaking and im stilll freaking out that i may not be ready i need to tell him about the thoughts i will this friday when i see him because there are ideas i just cant get rid of. Well thanks for the advice. Cheers