Do you feel broken?

Ever since I first started experiencing symptoms at age 12, I've felt different. Many times, I've felt like I was "going crazy". Long before I was dx'd, I knew that something was wrong with me. I feel like I have almost nothing in common with "healthy" people.

How about you? Did you know that something was wrong before you were diagnosed? Do you feel "broken" now? Or do you feel normal?

I'm not diagnosed with bipolar...mine is a unipolar depression, but I certainly feel broken. I recently met with a priest friend of mine. When I was in tears talking with him he used that very word to describe me - "broken". Good luck on the road to being repaired.

I knew something was 'up' or 'off' 10yrs before dx... I felt more broken prior to dx, coz my mom convinced me I'm fine, I just suck at life. These days, I have felt cracked or malfunctioned at times, but that's usually in the midst of my brain short circuiting...

Yeah, I've felt like something was wrong with me for a long, long time. As a little kid I felt like an alien from another plant. I just didn't feel I was the same as anyone. I knew all through my teens I was having depression. I would say to my dad, "I think I'm depressed," and he would say, "What do you have to be depressed about? Everyone has problems, get over it."

The funny thing is, when I was really having psychosis, I felt I was cured from depression.

Now, I often feel I'm losing my mind or losing my grip. I just feel like I'm losing more of me all the time somehow...

I felt broken in my teenage years, I knew I wasn't like everyone else. My parents had no way to deal with the depression. I have been fighting with my depression most of my life. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar.

This last stint where I ended up being forced into a cop car and to the hospital has broke me. Yes I feel broken. I don't know if I will recover from this, home doesn't even feel normal anymore. My parenting has been shot down by professionals (thank God no interference from them) and that one thing, being a mom, was the only thing I had going for me. I am still going to fight to be a good mom but for now I just feel broken. I don't even want to be near my kids out of fear that I will eff them up.

To answer your questions yes I always knew I was running on a different frequency than my peers and family. I accepted it as just the black sheep but now I know its deeper than that and it blows chunks. Getting this dx was a hard one to swallow but not as bad as bpd...I hate that dx and that is the one I will forever have an internal struggle with.

I knew something was wrong when I was about 6 years old. Not even kidding. When I was 6 I got held back in school, not for not being bright enough, but because they said I was not emotionally ready. I started counselling for food restriction and depression that same year, and was first introduced to the word anorexia. By 11 I was having psychosis and I finally got the nerve to talk to my mom about it. I knew something wasn't right in my gut.

I felt broken throughout all of my teen years which were riddled with mania, psychosis and depression. I think tho at some point I gradually stopped feeling broken and just felt different. I really don't feel broken anymore. I am different sure, I'm highly sensitive to surroundings, people, words, music, anything and everything under the sun. But it's ok, I think that's just how I am. I'm highly emotional and in tune with that part of me. Now that I have a better grasp on how to reign the emotions in and my responses it's not as damaging. I just think I'm a pretty delicate spirit

I've always felt different from the rest but it wasn't until things started getting real bad depression wise that the broken feeling started (bad depressive episode before things turned full on bipolar). But a lot of the time, yes, I do feel broken. I just feel off.

It's like I'm disconnected from the world and the majority of people that inhabit it. A part of me is just floating around aimlessly but not attached to the real me if that makes any sense. It gets to me sometimes because it's one of those depressing realizations that is true in many aspects.

Having a label and having to go about life in a much different manner than the majority doesn't help.

I feel broken, I felt broken. Im just ****ing broken! Im pissed off about it. Why do most people laugh at things I cant laugh at on some occasions and others I can. Why do I have to take medications why do I have to go to therapy just to deal with life. I know others do that but why cant I be like my brother. He gets depressed and just gets up and gets even better and obtains even more friends while I hide from social situations when Im depressed or otherwise because my fear of people. I have felt like this since about I'd say 10 or so. IDK YES I feel broken in short. sorry for the rant and hard words Im down and pissed.

This is me!

I LOVE this thread!

As a kid, I saw things differently. In fact, I thought it was because I was a kid and a promised myself that I would never forget what it was like to be a kid. And in large part, that's true. For example, I saw little worlds inside everyday things. Like I had gone into another world. I wrote poetry that teachers and family would say were prodigy-like. As I said in the post above, I thought I was from an alien race. A group of people that were different. (It didn't hurt that I'd read a book like that.) I was depressed from at least age 16 and yet the pdoc said I was "normal". I heard voices sometimes too as a teen, but who knows if these were the normal hypnagogic kind. Only as an adult did these thoughts go "wonky". The disassociations, the hallucinations.... Thank goodness this didn't show up as a kid. I really did feel that there was nobody else out there like me that understood what I did. I still think I understand more than anybody else could, but that could be part of the bipolar. Its a feeling of being special and of not being able to adequately describe the world I live in to others. Then again, I have "normal" days, too. I can go to the grocery store just fine, or what-have-you.

Well I knew something was up at a fairly young age because I was adopted when I was 5 and knew pretty early on that I'd seen some things or whatever that basically kids shouldn't have to see/go through but these things sometimes happen unfortunately to too many kids I guess.

Also, I learned rather young that my (Birth) mother had had a mental illness, my (brith) brother (who was adopted with me) had problems (learning disabilities, some minor developmental delays, depression) and so I knew that maybe how I was feeling related to my birth family. So I suppose in someways it was helpful that I was educated in that sense.

On the other hand, yes in comparison to most of the world or at least to the people I choose to associate with I feel broken. I wonder why I can't be like them? Why do I do the things I do? Make the mistakes I make? Act like I do, etc.? Talk too fast, write endless emails, etc. (won't get into the more serious stuff).

Oh yeah, I feel broken in that sense. BUT I'm trying to be more positive about it. For example, for years people have told me everyone makes mistakes. Also that everyone is more different and again has more faults than what meets the surface I suppose. Not that I would wish these bipolar symptoms on them!

I felt broken for years before my diagnosis and even throughout my teen years as well. I feel less broken now with meds that keep me somewhat balanced even through tough times and my faith, but there are definitely still times where I still feel broken.

I think what has helped is that I know now that everyone is broken because the world we live in is broken (just look in the news)...

I won't continue this discussion because it is against the forums policy to discuss religion but PM me if you want to discuss it with me

my onset was age nine. Yeah.. Oh Yeah I felt different. Worthless and repulsive is how I felt about myself. I stopped caring about myself too. drugs, alcohol, ugh. I had no limits. I have always felt like I was "behind" everyone else in terms of development. Still do today. It's like everyone else just "got it" when I was still trying to figure things out. I have recently decided to let it go though. To try again. I would go through bouts of trying, and ultimately failing, and then giving up. But today, I choose to try again regardless. At some point I think I have to have caught up developmentally!

But yes, I COMPLETELY AND FULLY understand what broken really is! Growing up I plunged myself into my fantasies, making myself out to be the hero that no one realized until my 'big event'. I learned to change my thinking to fit the situation, mastering rationalization. I grew cold, convincing myself I didn't care. I was extremely self destructive and very suicidal as a teen. I didn't care and I pushed myself to see where my limits were. I hurt myself emotionally, physically and mentally just to prove that others could not do it as good as I could. It made me feel as if I was powerful, not them.

It really stirs inside of me still, when I think of that. Broken? I will always be broken. But I choose to be optimistic today. I choose to be in the moment. I would rather cry at this point than to submerse myself back into my fantasies to make myself feel better. I want to live in what's real now. I want to face how I feel now rather than run from it.

I'm sorry that you feel broken. I completely understand. I'll listen if you need to vent.

This actually sounds a lot like me when I was a kid.

My heart is broken.

This made my day. We should chat sometime.

PsychCentral is amazing because of you guys. All of us may be broken, but our caring mechanisms are intact, that is for sure. Thank you for all of your replies. I'm sorry that you all have felt broken.

since I was 20 I spose....I have been in some sort of therapy Secretum.
my initial problems arrived due to me believing the entire world around me was broken and not just a couple of cracks but truly shattered!!

...funny how the therapy increased as the balance shifted from my perceptions getting me in all sorts of trouble I could no longer hide that it was me that was broken and likely always was and it brings tears to my eyes to admit this.

I never decided to make all the mistakes I made...just a few to be defiant but over 40 specialists later it's so very tempting to feel 'broken' because of the nature of mental illness always being something to fix.

damn I really do feel broken in many ways but at times I feel so complete if I could just limit my manic adventures and to just some scratches or a couple of cracks then maybe I might only need a 'bit' of repairing.

I failed so much therapy being forced to stare at the floor at all the busted up pieces of me wasn't fair nope.

Have you guys heard the story of the cracked pot? I can't recall it verbatim, but here goes...

Once upon a time in a village far away, a young lady had to walk miles and miles each morning and evening with a huge ceramic pot on her shoulders to fetch water for the cooking, cleaning and bathing purposes.

As time passed her pot became worn and developed a crack, this meant the young lady had to double her trips, working harder than the rest of the people in the village...

The young lady got very angry and felt discouraged, she was tired, and worn out, with no way to afford a new pot.

Weeks passed by, the young lady was feeling very low in spirit. Then 1 day, as she was taking her usual route, she noticed that the loveliest flowers outlined her entire path from the well, to her house. These flowers brightened her day, and helped her see, that as much as her cracked pot was an extra burden for her to bare, the cracks in her pot was responsible for producing such beauty on her long hard daily journey, and others were benefiting from the new flowers too!

So, even tho we are all cracked pots at 1 stage or another, it is that which enriches the lives of others, and ultimately ourselves too.

to my cracked pots!

...so awesome Ophelia...soon as the flowers bit popped up I knew exactly where it was going....

thats a beautiful story my cracked pot friend...it's perfect for us...

Funny how when I heard it 10yrs ago, I just thought, 'cool story' this thread made the story make so much more sense.

sure does....it's perfect and complex.

makes me think all the people I've met over the years...I sure did give them an intense sideways experience in one way or another...made them perhaps look at things a little differently...all at the expense of my sanity and self confidence and...

self rejection and some even said ..."look at the flowers along the path"....and I couldn't see them didn't believe I had anything to do with them I am not good enough to enjoy them so I'm outa' there eat my dust!

...only to haul my crack-pot around in the next place...

we the accidental gardeners

Ha! And my mom said I didn't have a green thumb! Just shows what she knows!

how come da other fingers left over don't be green as well?...I wonder maybe a little more than needed ...hmmm

or I guess the thumb be much more handy ....might be an interesting point, but need a finger to do that....hehe