[rgb11]

Some of you know my ex boyfriend has bipolar and we broke up a little over 2 weeks ago (not for the first time) I learned he was bipolar about 3 weeks before we broke up and have learned a lot in the last month.

I do want to be with him, but I don't know if he's managing his illness right and I dont think he's seeing a therapist, just a psychiatrist for meds. He still smokes weed (and lies a lot) and I think he could also be BPD based on my reading, he also deals with anxiety. I'm a bit codependent.

I care for him a great deal and want to see it work out but I'm not sure the best way to lay down some new ground rules when we do talk. I've had some input from the bipolar spouse message board. I'm curious what you all think too.

I have no idea what he's done the past 2 weeks or who he's been with. He already tried to persuade me to come over. I can't let him back in that quickly. I have no idea his mental state at the moment and if he's stable or just being needy.

There is still a lot I don't know about him as he could never talk about all this for very long without getting frustrated or angry about it.

Originally Posted by rgb11

Some of you know my ex boyfriend has bipolar and we broke up a little over 2 weeks ago (not for the first time) I learned he was bipolar about 3 weeks before we broke up and have learned a lot in the last month.

I do want to be with him, but I don't know if he's managing his illness right and I dont think he's seeing a therapist, just a psychiatrist for meds. He still smokes weed (and lies a lot) and I think he could also be BPD based on my reading, he also deals with anxiety. I'm a bit codependent.

I care for him a great deal and want to see it work out but I'm not sure the best way to lay down some new ground rules when we do talk. I've had some input from the bipolar spouse message board. I'm curious what you all think too.

I have no idea what he's done the past 2 weeks or who he's been with. He already tried to persuade me to come over. I can't let him back in that quickly. I have no idea his mental state at the moment and if he's stable or just being needy.

There is still a lot I don't know about him as he could never talk about all this for very long without getting frustrated or angry about it.

just before I take off for the night or day....you are very kind rg....it's a wonderful thing to watch.

[BlueInanna]

Would he go to couples therapy with you? That's what I think could really help make this work for you 2. You obviously love him dearly, sounds like he wants to be with you too. I also think you might want to give Alanon a try. I resisted going for years, alcoholic dad, alcoholic and drug using fathers of my 3 kids. But I finally went for son who has bp and had a meth addiction, my therapist recommended it strongly for me. So I did go, and it's actually really helpful. You don't have to believe in God or anything. And your qualifier can be anyone, alcoholic, pot addict, meth addict, rage addict. But when someone else's behaviors start ruining our lives, and we get unhealthy and codependant, Alanon is a good tool, imho.

I also want to say that I know you love him so much, but if the relationship is not healthy for you, you need to keep yourself healthy and safe. It's been long time since I've been in love, but I do remember it. And how it can cloud judgement.

I hope some of this may help. Good luck rgb.

[eloquentdisaster]

My brother's girlfriend is bipolar. He went through basically the same situation (except, they also have a one-year-old daughter). She (who is 25) has been unmedicated since she was 15. When her cycles started becoming really severe within the last year, my brother basically gave her an ultimatum. He said that she either needed to agree to go to counselling/therapy/whatever or leave. I know it sounds harsh, but it was safest for him and the baby.

Dealing with someone who is bp is hard (I know, I see how I've affected everyone around me) and sometimes the person who is dealing with it doesn't realize what they need.

I'm in no way suggesting you should just up and leave this guy. I don't know the situation of the extremity of his symptoms. But I do think (if you do agree to get back together with him) there should be a promise of some type of therapy, either for him or both of you (ideally, both kinds).

[hilaryous10]

He needs to learn to trust you as you need to learn to trust him. Without trust and communication a relationship can't work out. Try couples therapy if need be. My boyfriend and I are going to that as well. It shows that you are dedicated in trying to make things work out. Follow what is best for you though.

[rgb11]

Thanks everyone.

I've started a codpedency support group, which is probably similiar to al-anon but maybe even a better fit for me.

I really want to have a serious talk with him and not just jump back into things (which I know he always wants to do). I don't want anger and rage and conflict and him leaving when he gets upset. Maybe he's ready for this but it's hard for me to trust.

I managed to hold him off today, told him I have a big day tomorrow so I think he's getting the picture that I'm serious. But I wonder how much responsbility he's still going to be willing to take for things going badly. If I have to point it out to him I'm afraid he might just try to blame it all on me again and get frustrated.

I have not taken good care of myself the last two weeks, another reason I'm not ready to see him. I need a day or two just to physically get back on my feet. And I seriously can't miss work. It makes me sad I'm that worried about his affect on me. It's hard to draw boundaries with someone like him as I don't think he ever learned any with his family. They are nice people but ...

I have mentioned therapy to him before. I want ot know if he was going manic and what his mental state is now. I want to know him texting me wasn't just an impulse and he's really ready to make a go of this for real now and lay everything on the table, honestly.

If he can want me today he should still want to put in the effort on Wednesday.

I did notice he defriended the other girl on facebook ...another ex girlfriend he seemed to run to when we broke up.

My gut feeling says he knew how that looked to me and to others but I really don't know what he's been up to and maybe am afraid to find out.

Thanks, maybe just writing all this out helps me get my thoughts straight and ready. Maybe I should have just seen him tonight and gotten it over with ..hopefully more time doesn't make things worse.

But I also want him to know he can't walk back in when it's convienient for him.

[unaluna]

So are you in therapy? Are you trying to make this r/s work as part of a repetition compulsion?

You say you want HIM to know he can't do this or that to you. You are trying to be in control of a situation (repeating something from your past) - that's not having a r/s with a person.

You want to give him another chance not to disappoint you - wouldn't it be safer to work out that dynamic with a T, not with someone YOU characterize as a pot-smoking liar? Based on your other posts, you are a bright person who is selling yourself short - it takes one to know one.

Why don't you think you can get the kind of person you really want? Took me a really long time to figure out the answer to that one.

[rgb11]

I think I'm still in love with the person he painted himself to be. And I fell in love with who he is. I'm just trying to figure out if we can work past the stuff inbetween...where he told me lies about whe he is, and if that is the person he's struggling to be. I think he believed his own lies.

I'm seeing a real person with some weaknesses now...some big ones. Maybe I want one more chance to see if, now that everything is on the table we can work it out. He seems to think so from his texts. But reality and time will tell for sure I guess.

Love does have a habit of sucking me in and making my judgement awful cloudy.

[BlueInanna]

I think it's good you waited to see him. It's your healthy boundary that is best for you. Just looking at all possibilities, you know on facebook someone can block you and you wouldn't see her in his friends list. Can you double check from someone else's facebook account and make sure she is really gone and doesn't just have you blocked? Just an idea, a bit stalker-ish of me, but I would probably check.

[rgb11]

ha! I did check

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by rgb11

ha! I did check

haha LOL