took a step back

I have been taking a step back and looking at things lately. I have had to cuz of my GAD. I guess that's one way of dealing with it, is to step back and try and put everything in perspective.

Anyways... I was looking at my signature... four meds. Four meds! Everything has happened so fast I just can't believe everything that has happened this past year. It's surreal. I'm like a different person now too. I couldn't imagine going back to how things have been throughout my life.

Has this affected anyone else? Has anyone else been so caught up in visits with Pdoc and T and been so focused on getting stable that once that happens, or comes close to happening that they don't recognize themselves? Ugh... it's causing a lot of anxiety.

Every time I look back and think how things have been growing up and through adulthood I panic. I also don't handle "good times" well cuz I'm just waiting for past behaviors to happen. they don't, but its uncomfortable as hell. I feel like a toddler in an adults body, having to relearn everything again.

Thought I would share.

and to top it all off, my safety nets gone too. Before, growing up, everyone just expected me to be the one to be out of control, fly off the handle and never expected much from me. But now, I don't have that. Now I can not hide behind those expectations and it feels like the pressure is on. Ugh and Ugh. I don't do pressure well.

For me it's eight meds, but that includes two for high blood pressure and cholesterol, and then one for hypothyroidism. Then five for bp. I would have to get out bottles to remember names and dosages for my signature, so I don't bother.

I agree, I feel like I was a different person before meds-yes, I dealt with highs and lows, and I also self-medicated, but everything was on my terms.

I agree, too, that at times it is difficult to enjoy life because I wonder if good times are just hypomania and the crash is coming soon. With enough meds, though, I get the control of not enjoying life too much and not crashing too far. Wow, what a trade off!

Sorry my post is a downer, lands, but obviously I can relate!

Now for the positive disclaimer-It is sometimes hard to remember how terrible life really was at times in the past, but I know it was bad, so relearning life is a job, but it is a step in the positive direction.

Take care, baby steps aren't so bad as long as you are walking forward!

Bluemountains

I know how it all feels.. You must be feeling like a stranger with everyone... You just feel like everything has changed and it just seems weird..
But you know what? you will become better than before soon.. It's just a new step in your life and once you get used to it you will just find that this experience is the one that is gonna create you and make you the person you had to be... Life is just a combination of experiences, a small one gets added to a bigger one and that makes You. Don't ever be scared by the cold welcome of adulthood just have hope and move on

Thanks for sharing that, Dan. It's fantastic that you have found stability to this extent.

"Has anyone else been so caught up in visits with Pdoc and T and been so focused on getting stable that once that happens, or comes close to happening that they don't recognize themselves?"

My experience lately is that I am less volatile than I was a year ago. It takes more to press my buttons. But somehow I still struggle to function both socially and cognitively. I can't take on a 9-5 office job like I once did. I need the flexibility to back off the pace when paranoia sets in, or sounds are overwhelming.

I hope you feel less anxious about the new you, and grow in your comfort with the way you feel these days.

TS

Hi there,

I can relate to your post. I feel like I was managing the ups and downs, well mostly downs, until my severe episode hit. Suddenly I have all of these symptoms that I didn't have before.

I feel like I am mourning the old me, one that was very capable. Now I struggle to keep the house in order, mostly because I just don't feel like doing much most of the time. I don't know how I will manage going back to work and keeping the rest of life in order.

I miss the old me and wish I could find her again.