Thoughts I'm having

I was doing this mediation where I contemplated why don't I try harder to feel better and these are the thoughts that came out.

Scared of feeling better and then being disappointed that the better wasn't good enough
Scared to shine in case the shine isn't bright enough.
Scared to be gifted if my thoughts are not smart enough
Scared to be happy in case the tears fall in disappointment
Scared to struggle to get better, in case it exposes something worse than the present
Scared to share how I feel, in case they never understand and I become lonely
Scared to be alive if the numbness never ends
Scared to try and die incase it doesn't work

fergus - I know exactly how you feel. I could have written that post pretty much word for word. I feel for both of us.

justmom

Fergus, welcome.

You must be a young person because it sounds as if you haven't had enough experience in life yet to know that everyone has fears, many of them exactly the ones you express. As you live longer, you will learn that your fears are really not worth considering unless they are life-threatening.

What's going to happen if one of your fears materializes? Is someone just going to disintegrate right before your eyes? No.

You will find that most people mean well and are careful about what they say and do not wish to hurt others. Oh, there are some who don't understand what they are doing when they reveal themselves by "bullying" behavior--they're revealing their weakness.

If you allow for the fact that most people are good, conscientious and caring, you are going to be missing a world of goodness by clinging tightly to your fears.

The best way to handle those who would challenge you is to say to them "I'm sorry you feel as you do. You know that you are revealing your own inadequacy when you behave as you're doing." That makes them stop and think if nothing else.

Try to ignore that kind of behavior because it's negative and gets nowhere. And
negativity is a loading for depression--so just brush them aside, please.

Try experimenting with trying your giftedness and see what reactions you get.
You'll find that people won't disintegrate so easily! And you'll be glad you took the
chance and expressed your real feelings. (It's also gong to lead to your becoming
a strong, mature person.)

[QUOTE=genetic;2493527]Fergus, welcome.

You must be a young person because it sounds as if you haven't had enough experience in life yet to know that everyone has fears, many of them exactly the ones you express. As you live longer, you will learn that your fears are really not worth considering unless they are life-threatening.

I'm 40

I really related to this one.

[quote=fergus;2493599]____________________
That's young enough to still have irrational fears, Fergus.

Take care.

I'm 53 and I still have irrational fears. It just comes with the BP territory.

Your post was very eloquent. Thanks for sharing it.

____________________________________________

I would agree that one might have a few irrational fears at 53, but
that doesn't leave much time to be relatively free from fears before
one reaches 65 or 75 when senile fear begins to appear, does it?

Hopefully, everyone will have years of freedom from irrational fears
or at least be able to recognize them as that and then act to deter
the emotions associated with them.

genetic

Hi Fergus,
Thank you for sharing this. Sounds like some good soul searching you're doing, recognizing these key ingredients. Now that you've named them, you can think of ways to change them up a bit and to feel better. What I see when I read it is that your thoughts are all over time and space, what if's, the future, past hurts. You need them here, in this moment, in this moment there is a choice. Your life ready for you to live it. Your shine is already bright, your thoughts already smart. I hope you learn more in your meditations, and share it with us.

My course in mindfulness and my therapist that also is grounded in mindfulness is helping. Some may call it irrational fears but an important part of mindfulness is being able to name your thoughts or fears. I've spent most my life detached from positive or negative emotions and that's what got me in the hospital the first time.

I don't call these irrational fears, you sound very aware and clear to me I say good for you slowing mind enough to see and name them. This is actually profound insight to me