(Long) Hoping For Insight

Hello! I'm new here, and I found this place because I've been really struggling lately with my illness. My doctor suggested online support groups because of my work schedule and the availability of such groups in my area, and I'm really hoping you guys can give me a little insight. Forgive me for such a long post.

To give some background, I am twenty-four and I was diagnosed with bipolar two years ago, though I suspect it's been going on for maybe six years or so. I've been on medication the majority of this time, except last summer, when something made me think that I could stop cold turkey and be fine. That was most certainly not the case, and I have been medicated since. I've also hardly missed a dose since that point as well.

I've been married for almost four years now. It's been a struggle and things have been so different than I ever imagined. We did not live together prior to getting married, and I blamed it on that at first.

In the beginning, he just started completely annoying me. We worked together and worked the same shift, although we didn't see each other much at work due to the environment and such. We would get home around the same time, and from the moment we got home until he got ready to go to bed, he was playing video games. When we were off on Saturday and Sunday he was playing video games. If there was food, it was because I went grocery shopping and cooked. Clean clothes, me. Clean apartment, me. Bills paid, me. I would ask if we could go do something together and he would tell me to see what our friend was doing (I have a small group of friends consisting of my husband and a mutual friend) and do something with him.

About a year later my husband lost his job, and I was left the only one working. I thought he would be more helpful, but things stayed the same. He spent the same money, still played games all the time, still wouldn't help with anything. At this point I had decided to go back to school for my Bachelor's degree (I graduated with my Associate's right after we got married), but I ended up having to quit. After a few months, he went back to an old boss and started working at McDonald's.

He quit at McDonald's only a month ago. I begged and pleaded for him to look for a better job, but I honestly don't know that he looked. He would say he couldn't get to the application and give a reason (not necessarily a bad one), and then the next day tell me he applied a week ago.

Anyways, all the while I would tell him, "Hey, I need some help every once in a while." I would work a lot of overtime (sometimes 18 hours a day) to make the bills come together, only to come home to no food, nothing to cook, no clean clothes, and him still in pajamas because he was off work that day.

The past two years have been the roughest. I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore and if he wasn't willing to fix the problems that I was outlining for him, then I was going to have to leave. It was too much stress and I just couldn't handle it. Then he would get better for a few weeks, but then it would just all slide back downhill. He never said I was wrong about the issues, he always admitted that I was completely right. But for the past two years that's the cycle. "I'm going to leave." And then things are amazing for a few weeks, then it slides till I say I can't do it. Then he begs for another chance and it starts all over again.

I know it's my fault for giving those chances, but I married him and I married him to stay with him, so I'm doing everything I can to make it work. My family especially tells me how ridiculous it is and that I need to leave him for good, but the fact is I love him to death.

Currently he is living with the mutual friend I mentioned earlier, and I am living with my family. I feel I can't discuss much with my family because they hate my husband with the most passion imaginable, and they also don't believe I should be seeing a psychiatrist or taking medication. After two years of explaining my condition, my mother finally believes that there actually is a such thing as bipolar, but it's only because someone at church has a wife suffering from it. The man mentioned "manic" and my mum looked at me and said, "Oh, so that really DOES exist?"

I guess I failed to mention also that I have always been suicidal. I can't remember a time that I wasn't. A lot of it subsided until about two years ago, when things started to get really bad between my husband and I. There were no attempts, but a lot of dwelling on it. It always makes me pull away a lot and withdraw. I'm withdrawn enough, but I would even pull away from our friend (whom I am EXTREMELY close with).

So us separating was pretty much my doing. I just really couldn't take it anymore. And on top of that, my husband decided he wanted to move two hours away and work for his family (they own some McDonald's stores). That was so not the plan for our future when we got married. He wanted nothing to do with that then, he wanted us to do everything on our own, and we had planned on staying here and working until we could move somewhere else (we both have always wanted to leave the southern US), but all of that kind of faded when he lost his job. I understand people change, and their hopes and desires change, but he said he wanted to do this right after our finances got a little stable and I started going back to school for the second time since graduating. That was when I asked if we could hold off until I finished school. The money he would be making was less than what I make at my job, and if we moved, I would be starting from scratch. So I wanted to at least finish my degree first in hopes it would give me a little more opportunity when we moved. He wasn't very happy with it, though he finally agreed about six months ago.

Now, he's changed his mind. He wanted to pick up and go now and I told him no. He says he wants a chance to prove to me he can do it, but I just don't think it's a good situation. That's a good part of the reason we separated. Now, I have a chance to move to the northwest (which is my dream!) with my job, get a raise, and go to a better school for cheaper. I want nothing more than to take the opportunity, but it doesn't change the fact that I love my husband, and that he is the best emotional support I have. And we've only been separated for a little more than a month, but I can't seem to do without him. All I do is cry.

The part that scares me is my inconsistency. I know this is a difficult situation, and I know I should expect to be depressed, angry, bitter, etc. But why is that one day I want him there, I feel so incredibly willing to go with him to work for his family, my dreams don't matter and I'm not upset about giving them up, etc, and then the next day I can't stand the thought of not going after what I want? It's like I'm bouncing back and forth uncontrollably. It makes me wonder which decision is ME? Which feeling is ME? Which decision is the foolish one?

If he would let me finish school we wouldn't have this problem. I went out on a limb and asked him to move with me (it would only be for two years), and then we could move and let him work for his family for the rest of his life if he wants. He said no though. He said that was too much. But I don't feel like it is. I broke it down like this to try to see how much I was really asking:
- Denver: where I want to go. I have a very good paying job, I have a school opportunity, I know about two people. He doesn't have a job, but it's a big area, and I'm confident he could find something at least equivalent to McDonald's, he doesn't know anyone. We go for two years.
- Birmingham: where he wants to go. He has an alright paying job, he knows his family. I have no job, though the area is decently-sized so I could at least get a retail job, I'm sure, there's not much there for me as far as school, I know his family. We stay there forever.

Anyways, that's a lot, and I'm sorry to write so much, but I thank you so much if you read this far. My main struggle is just fear that this is all the bipolar talking. I'm afraid that nothing is actually wrong. My mind changes so quickly that it scares me. How can I be so ready to give up what I always wanted one moment to stay with him, and then the next minute I'm so pissed off about it that it's the last thing I want to do? I know a lot of my emotions are situational right now, but this uncertainty has me so scared. I don't want to decide something and then realise twenty years later that I only made that decision because I was so bad off at the time.

Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate any kind of insight anyone has.

This is a very difficult situation. I do not think that your inconsistency is bipolar. It is just so very damn difficult. May I ask you an off topic question: you live in the Southern US, dream of going to Denver, yet use British spelling. Are you originally from Britain or one of its former colonies? The reason I am asking: if you are, then, I think, Denver would be closer to your heart than Alabama. But that is just my opinion.

is he still constantly playing video games? How is he your emotional support? I was kind of in the same situation, as I separated from my first husband I took a job that transferred me to my dream state. I ended up returning to my home state (stupid! stupid! stupid! but whatever ) and had the opportunity to talk to my ex several years later. I was like, omg, I am SO GLAD I got away from this nonsense, how did I ever put up with this???! And that was just a 10 minute phone call! So - do you really want to put up with his aggro for the rest of your life? Don't throw good money after bad.

Alas, no. I believe it's a result of loving British things and probably reading too much old British literature.

He's gotten better on the video games, he still plays nearly all the time, but he doesn't wear a headset as often, so we can still communicate for the most part. At least he doesn't have any subscriptions anymore, and scheduled gaming times for specific things. He's also been trying to finish up the games he has rather than buying new ones, so that's been nice.

I guess he's my emotional support in that he is the only person I am truly comfortable with. He's the only person that can hold me when I cry. Sometimes he gets angry if I say I feel like a failure because of this or that and he has yelled and told me to shut up before, but he doesn't like me to talk bad about myself. He understands I have a legitimate issue and he knows how to deal with me and handle me better than, say, my family. They are smothering me to death right now and I literally have to go into the bathroom and sit there in the floor just to get a moment alone. I feel like a lot of our problems are my fault though because, while he does deal with me better than my family, he just doesn't know what to do. I guess it's just because he knows me completely.

Hello, Kahrey, and welcome.

You do have a dilemma, but it is resolvable. You love him, despite his failure to provide for you as his wife, support you in your effort to improve your educational level, and saying "no" to the one major opportunity you have to improve everything for your life. The question is now does he love you, Kahrey?

You have only his past conduct on which to base your decisions. If you want to risk the same thing happening despite the fact that he is close to mom and dad, you're likely to see a gradual form of the old behavior emerging and remaining strong because he is close to familiar surroundings where mom and dad will offer the support for him that he wants and needs. The consequences of that are that you are left out of the picture again.

My thinking would be that you should take the offer in Denver, help him to understand that it's perfectly okay with you if he wishes to go back "home" to the McDonald's investments that his parents have. If, after you have finished your education, he has matured enough to become a husband to you, and you still love him, and neither of you has filed for divorce, you may be able to make something of a marriage.

Otherwise, it's going to remain a condition of immaturity and will only become more difficult for you to handle.

I think, honestly, that you're holding up remarkably well. I couldn't have done what you're doing. I don't think he knows what a husband is supposed to be. And you've given all that should ever be called for in a wife with all that you've done.

Go for the Denver job; you will never regret having increased your educational level.

If he matures in the interim, you will likely see him at your door in Denver one day not long after you've moved there. Until he does mature, it's better that you not see him at your door.

Take care of yourself now and look forward to a far happier time. You will develop new friends in Denver and probably love living in Colorado. It's certainly a beautiful state.

Continue to post as you feel the need to get this out of your system.

Gen

Hi, I agree 100% with genetic, so because repetition isn't neccessary, I won't say anything besides to our family, its good to have you, and hope to see you around

I keep asking myself this. I feel like, and I have told him this, that his words and his actions do not match. He tells me I'm right, but he doesn't seem to do anything about it.

This is why I was not okay with his plan to start with. I'm afraid that he will just look for them to take care of him. There will be no real consequence, because his parents are there to help him.

I've been half planning on exactly this. I took time off from work already in order to move (even if don't go to Denver, I CANNOT stay with my family very long for the sake of what's left of my sanity!). I'm starting the school there online in October as well. It's something that I feel like I have to do or I will always regret not knowing what could have been. I already know what's here.

Thanks so much for this. I feel like I'm doing a terrible job because I'm crying all the time, I'm barely sleeping, I've lost fifteen pounds just in the past two weeks, and I'm just a mess. I just want to get away for a bit, but there's too much that requires my attention right now.

I have trouble trusting my gut. Anyone that has heard even a little of the situation has a similar reaction - that things probably won't change. Of course there's always hope, but my head knows unlikely it is, and my heart just keeps hoping and loving anyways.

Thanks for your wonderful responses...

Thank you so much! I'm glad I finally decided to post...I've been a little bit of a lurker.

Out of these organs, go with your head now. Your head has acquired and processed information and has made a valid judgment based on that. Go with it. Send us pretty pictures when you are in Colorado!

Spread your wings and fly girl................ all the way to Colorado!

Your plate is so overfilled ... Everyone has given you wonderful advice ..

Now you have to make so tough decisions about how you want you're life to be ...

Welcome to PC ... This place is great for the love support and some laughs along the way.. We are all a friendly bunch and for me this place has been a life saver.

post as much as you need to

You sound like you would regret not going to Denver and continuing your education, possibly even hold it against him. It doesn't sound like he's ever lived alone and expects you to be mommy. If you are willing to move around his family ask him to get and keep a studio while your gone. He'd be working, cooking himself, cleaning, and all the other things he needs to learn to live on his own. I kinda feel like he has given up, what did he want to do with his life. What about him getting his AA in game design at an accredited school so that he could be a game tester? Please go to Denver, you need to take care of yourself to

Wow! That's an idea! I did not even know such degree existed!