Can't go on anymore !!

Hey Everybody!
I have had thoughts of writing this thread long ago but never knew how to get my point out. Just thought to give it a try...
I feel so tired, confused and lonely! I hate being so forgiving and kind to everyone. This allows them to just hurt me as they wish, knowing that I will simply forgive.
In my family, they care for my elder sis as she was their first one, for my younger bro as he is the only boy and for my younger sis as she is the last little girl.. but as for me I am nothing. They just ask for me when they need me to do some chores. I am just NOTHING to them more than someone who can do the chores without complaining. I hate that I don't ever speak pain out and I just take it and keep it in there inside....
As for my friends I am someone whom when they need they can find. They just come to me when they need some help or when they need a solution. I feel used but I can't do anything about it as I forgive..
I hate that some of them think that I am weak... It kills me inside... I know I am not weak, indeed I think I am so strong to bear all this pain alone and never complain to anyone..
I miss my bf... He was the only one who knew about my bipolar and he never made me feel like one... He made me feel like a princess and an angel.. He was the only one who cared for me.He made me feel secured and safe. He made me feel like the most important girl while I know I am not. I really miss him. I still wonder why did he have to go away
I am tired of crying..I am tired of feeling sad..I am tired of feeling empty inside..I am tired of this fake, sad smile..I am tired of those invisible tears when I am among people and those visible ones when I am alone.. I am tired of being lonely..I am tired of dying each and everyday..I am tired of keeping all the pain inside that my heart can't take it anymore..

I'm so sorry Broken Angel. It sounds like you are in a bad place right now.
Are you on meds/ have a pdoc / have a t?
You don't have to feel what you are going through right now, and a good starting point is being able to have an outlet and be able to have someone listen to you for a change

Sorry you're feeling so unhappy with life right now, BA. I agree that drs and counselors can help. I hope this doesn't last long.

I'm very forgiving, its my nature, but I don't allow anybody to walk over me. Forgiveness doesn't equal doormat, and this confusion between the 2 is whats hurting you. I hope you have a T who can teach you the difference, and help you establish healthy boundaries as you seem to be in a lot of pain.

Broken Angel, I am so sorry ~ it's really all quite a mess for you right now. I don't have the family that you have, so I can only night imagine how painful that must be-- tugging at you one way and the other.

To lose the comfort of the boyfriend is a double agony--better maybe to have never had it. Sadly, these losses are all part of life and there will be more of them that we must learn to cope with.

I hope you will continue posting here and that you will try to find strength in the fact that so many of us have gone through this and go through it and that we find strength in the fact that this is part of life and we do survive it. It doesn't sound like much ... But taken a day at a time, it works.

No one knows about me being a bipolar. Just my bf knew but he is now gone..
So I am not taking any medicines and don't have a pdoc or a T. I am just trying to get better all by myself ..
Thanks for your help

Thanks for your support

No it's not like doormat, but it's just that if someone hurtled me, I can't do anything other than forgiving and that leads to being hurtled every time and still forgiving...
Thanks for your help and support

My family isn't that bad. It's just that I never get the same care my siblings are.But that doesn't mean that they cruel or rude, actually they are very kind to me.Sometimes I just think that maybe cuz I am not speaking out what hurts me and I am always having a smile they don't understand the care I need...
thanks for your support I really appreciate it

Seems I was right,You are quite misled on the subject of forgiveness. It doesn't mean allowing everyone to hurtle you around everytime. Thats akin to abuse, please dont partake in such activities that damage your soul and sense of self. s

BA please get help, from a T & pdoc. As a very forgiving person myself I urge you to find someone willing to help you find your equilibrium. I sat have back and watched others being abused (door mats) only stepping in when it's got to the point of danger. For me forgiveness seems to be the first part of healing. That does not mean I'm laissez faire about how people treat me (or mine). That said there are certain people that get more leeway then others. However I put 100's of miles between me and them. It wont stop even as an adult, you'll justify over and over why hurting yourself is for the "greater good".

Finally I got the difference
Thanks alot for your help

That gave me a positive approach
Thanks alot

Anytime, I hope things get better for you real soon.

Hope you're feeling a little better Broken Angel, you are a treasure!

I know your parents love you, wish they could see you need some extra help and attention and tenderness.

One day all 3 of my kids separately came to me saying, "Why do you just give _____ whatever he/she wants!" I think I locked myself in bathroom and cried. They don't understand what it's like from my side. I know I love each one equally and in the most immense infinite way possible. Therapy does help.

I wish you could at least get a therapist?

Ya Actually I am getting little better

I know they love me and I totally understand that they don't mean to make me feel this way, but it's just hard to be a bipolar with no one around you...
I wish I can just get someone to speak out with, without feeling that they will hurt you or will break your trust, and that will solve all my issues ...
Thanks for your help and support and I am sure that your kids love you as much as you do