Just 22 days left of my FMLA / Short-Term Disability Leave

Today I sat down and made a plan for each remaining day of my leave.

I feel like I've wasted it so far because all I've done is:

• gone to my regular MD, my therapist, and my psychiatrist
• tried to let my body adjust to the meds
• let myself sleep without an alarm going off in an effort to catch up on sleep and get rid of feeling sleep-deprived
• had lunch with a few friends
• otherwise, I've stayed a hermit

I guess that's not really wasting my leave time. I mean, I've needed to see the doctors, adjust to the meds, and my body needed the extra sleep.

It's just that I wanted to get a lot of writing done, and I haven't. I've read a lot, which is great. But I have several projects that I started writing long ago that I wanted to devote some time to.

Today's list breaks down spending some time on each project, and I hope to see some significant progress in these writing projects before my leave is over.

Initially, my goal (which I did not share with my employer or my doctors) was to use this time to get one of the many business that I have in my head started and get some money coming in. And then keep that going so that I don't have to return to the job for very long. Let that income grow and get more projects coming in so it could be my full-time gig.

Now I'm at a weird stage. The hypomania is gone and I'm suspended in this state that I'm not so sure about. It's either stabilization or it's a slower fall back into depression.

We'll see. I've got plenty of doctor's appointments coming up, so I'm sure we will figure it out.

I just worry that the meds might take away my creativity. I really don't want that to happen.

And I wonder what things will be like when I return to work. I'm sure people will try to find out what happened. But what worries me is, after being gone 5 weeks, I'll need to be shown some of the basics of the job again. I mean, after working there 1.5 years, I didn't even have a handle on the basics when my leave began. Now I'll be thrown back into it.

I can probably get by with a few reminders from a couple of co-workers on how to do certain things, but then they will expect me to comprehend and continue on my own.

That's where the trouble began before. I didn't comprehend, I didn't retain info, I couldn't stay focused, etc.

When I go back, will all of that change due to the meds?

Or will I be right back where I was?

Thus, another reason to get the business gonig stronger so that I will have income when the job does not pan out.

My therapist keeps telling me that I need to have structure in my day. She seems to think the job is good for that. But we haven't gone far enough together for her to understand what I do at this job, how I wasn't qualified enough for it in the first place, and how co-workers are left alone to do their work each day. No structure at all. I often went days without doing any real work, only to be asked to completed a report to show what I had done for the week, and then sat there and wondered what I did all week. Oh, yeah. People.com. That was a big part of my week. Had to stay current on the Tom and Katie divorce.

P.S.

I forgot to share about the meds.

The first set of meds made me hypomanic, so those are gone.

The lithium has left me with dry mouth, excessive thirst, stomach pain, and diarrhea.

I'm waiting to see if we're going to make another change due to those side effects.

And you are sure that dreaming of own business is not remaining hypomania?

Having dreams and aspirations can't be it, it must be hypomania! Little hamster you sound pessimistic or harshly realistic.

I do not want PD to fail at the job and in the highly competitive writing marketplace at the same time, and I see it coming. Yes, this is harsh reality. If I were PD, I would focus on getting my ducks in a row to be able to go back to work and function there, which would include imposing structure on one's day when it is lacking.

What were you thinking calling me "little"? Has anyone ever taught you manners?

You realize you have a little hamster as an avatar right? Lol Bipolars lol :-)

And as far as PD I would encourage both ends. Structure and stability on a day to day but without forgetting the aspirations. If she wants to write she can and she will do it. Hope she is successful at it.

Creativelight. You realize that this is a support forum for people with Bipolar right? It really isn't a forum to knock other members down, or make fun of the people here.

PD, I can understand this, sure. Sorry I don't have any real suggestions for you. I think about this same kind of stuff a lot. But so far I haven't moved past the thinking stage and into the doing.

I think take it slow and steady and make sure you work out all the details. Try not to pressure yourself too much. And also try to keep that faith in yourself that you can achieve what you desire. That is exactly where I get stuck.

I worried about loosing my creativity to meds too. And I did, well I didn't loose it, but I did loose the desire. However I think we are all different in that area, and that might not be your experience. I have read about many people who claim that the meds helped them into being able to be more productive with their creativity, and hopefully that would work out for you as well.

You realize I'm bipolar too and that I meant it as a joke right? The hamster was offended by me calling it little when I didn't mean anything by it. So I went ahead and used the stereotype to be funny. I'm not trying to be insensitive just spark a little humor.

I realize that you "are" bipolar and that you are not sure if that is real. I get that, not far off from some of my own thoughts. I think your post came off as pretty critical of another members advice and personal attack kind of style. I realize you may not have meant it that way, but Hamster really was just trying to give her own advice to PD.

It's fine not to agree with someones opinion, but I think it can be done in a way that doesn't put the other person down. Hamster is a person not a "the" or an "it". These boards seem to run better and smoother if we all post respectfully. I also realize you are a newer member, so I am not trying to offend, but a bit of friendly advice. I hope you take it that way.

Purpledaisey,

When you talk about having some assistance from co-workers, and not being able to retain info. Is there some kind of system you might be able to come up with to help you out in that area. I don't have any examples really off the top of my head. But I know that having to rely on others for stuff like this can become a real problem, when they either are not around or don't have time.

All I am thinking of is maybe making yourself something kinda like cue cards, or notes that you could leave in the places where you would need to reference them. Maybe you can think of some better ideas, since I don't really know what your job entails or if that would help. Just a thought.

I'm definitely not hypomanic right now. Like I said, the lithium has either made me level out (and I'm just not used to what that feels like) or the crash that usually happens after being hypomanic is in slow motion this time due to the lithium.

Actually, I wonder if I'm in a bit of a lithium fog because I keep catching myself forgetting things (more than usual). Silly stuff like walking into a room to get something and forgetting why I'm there. Forgetting words, which NEVER happens to me.

The business that I'm talking about is one that I did full-time from home for several years before getting this full-time job, and I've continued doing projects for my customers steadily since getting this job. So it's not one of the crazy hypomanic "I know! I'll start another business!" bits of hypomania that I know so well.

That would be fabulous!

Great ideas. I will definitely look into this and figure out something that would work for me before going back to work.

It got to the point where one co-worker took over and did several of my projects, from start to finish, because she is a friend and didn't want to see me get fired. While it's nice that she did this for me, I feel really guilty about it.

My big problem has been that I take a lot of notes when someone shows me how to do the work, but when it comes time for me to try to do the work on my own and I'm hypomanic, I feel slowed down by my notes. I'd rather ask how to do each step and have someone show me again, thinking it will sink in, but it doesn't.

Then, since I was hypomanic when this took place, I'm asking tons of questions, really fast, not giving the person time to answer, throwing out bits of info that I remember from other tasks even though it's the wrong info now, and then a lot of times this friend at work would take my computer and finish the task because it was easier than dealing with me.

So maybe part of getting me stabilized will mean I'm able to go through my own notes and retain this knowledge without being a pain in the rear to co-workers.

Thanks! I'm going to do some research online for learning styles and note-taking.

I hope you find something that help. maybe even try playing memory games online, it might help kick start that process again.

Its a real problem, I know when I have been manic I my cognitive skills really do suffer, and it takes quite a while to really get back up to speed. The meds can make this even worse. Lithium is a big one for memory problems, and fogginess. I was on lithium for 7 years and I kept complaining to my pdoc about the lack of memory. He told me to think of it like practicing for Alzheimer's, I didn't think it was that funny tho. So I tried to fiqure out other ways to help with my forgetfulness.

Some of it worked and some didn't. I tried using alarms for reminders, that helped with some things, making lists, and notes worked pretty good, as long as the note was coherent .

I just took a quick look and this guy seems to have some interesting and good ideas, with the help from some apps.
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog...nything-again/

The evernote app might work for you, if you could send yourself notes, and even snapshots or documents of what the processes are somehow.

Hopefully you will be find this so much easier without the hypomania in the way. But if you can find a good system for you, then if the hypomania returns you will be more prepared. Honestly this interests me as well. Memory problems can be such a huge source of anxiety for me, and I don't even have a job. So I feel your pain with that.

Anika, what are you on now instead of Lithium?

I agree -- the practicing for Alzheimer's comment was NOT funny.

I'm med free now, I slowly came off all of them, I was on a combo of 6. I can say, I do feel soo much better in the memory department. I was worried it would be permanent.

Purlple Daisy, I understand where you're coming from. I went through a similar time last fall, and when I went back to work, it actually didn't work out. I hope your return to work is better, and I believe it can be, but if it isn't, don't despair, something will work out. For me more time off was definitely the answer in the short term.

I also find it hard to impose structure on my day when it doesn't happen from external sources, however I believe we sometimes need periods of no structure. Your job sounds like it might not provide enough structure.

I see no reason you can't pursue your writing projects and still hold some type of "day job" in the meantime. Are any of your writing projects potential sources of income in the short term (as opposed to bestseller novels and such)? I think as long as you have multiple irons in the fire (but not a giant number of them), you are doing well for yourself.

I wish you all the best!

It's true my first comment may feel like an attack to hamster. I just felt that his/her advice came off harsh for being a supportive place. Is my personal experience that I get upset if I'm talking about my hopes and dreams and someone minimizes them with a comment about my illness. So perhaps I took the comment in a wrong way.

I didn't try to be disrespectful and the little part as just because it is a little hamster, hamsters are little. Not to diminish or anything against the hamster (sorry, just hamster o something). Like you said I'm new and I don't know names or how to address people. Aside from that it is also my personal opinion that we need to lighten up. If we can't joke about being bipolar then I don't know, that sucks. I like being able to laugh it off and I hope with time I'm better understood, because I don't mean it in hurtful ways. But we are like we are so lets just have fun with it.

Word!
Daisy, I'm an artist and that's just WHO I AM. There's no way that I will stop being creative. I need however, a regular job. Not for structure but to pay the bills (I do need the structure as well, I'm just not getting it). I may not create art as much as I did before etc etc etc but I still do what I can under the current circumstances. It can be done. Since I moved from where I'm from it was even harder to get to exhibitions etc. IT TOOK ME ALMOST 4 YEARS, but this upcoming October I will be in a very prominent exhibition. If you want it, YOU CAN DO IT.

There are definitely times when I think I am the wrong job.

I took this job at the urging of a family member who is VERY controlling. Family member decided I wasn't "really working" from home, even though I had clients and just needed to boost the number of clients and incoming projects to continue on that path.

When I interviewed and started the job, I was hypomanic. No doubt about it now, looking back. I didn't have the qualifications, but I thought I could conquer the technical duties of the job even though I had never touched on this stuff while earning my degree or while out in the workforce.

Feeling on top of the world was a big part of why I took the job.

Plus it pays TWICE what most jobs pay around here.

My last few days there before the leave started, I kept thinking, "I may have fooled these people for a year and a half, and took home that big paycheck, but that means there is someone out there who is perfect for this job and would do it well, but I am in their way. They deserve this job. Not me."

I see. that is good to know - I did not realize you already have a steady stream of customers. I know writers and I have employed a writer and I know how highly competitive it is so I was worried for you. How does the income compare between doing it FT on your own and what the job pays (do not think for now about someone who is a perfect fit and deserves your position, just think of sheer money)?

I would say: if the job pays more but not eons more than the stay-at-home work, go back to your writing. If it is an order of magnitude difference, try to find a way to stay on the job. Basically, think of it rationally: assign an enjoyment coefficient to what you do and multiply the income by it. The job's coefficient would probably be negative while the writing's coefficient will be positive/high. This way make your computation. But if you can go on LT disability and in the meantime get the business in order, that would be ideal.

Well, I'm in the final days of my time off work. This is Tuesday and I go back Monday.

When I look back at how I felt when I was sitting at my desk at work before this leave began, and what I thought I would do if I have 5 weeks away from work, I have not done what I thought I would do.

I was sidetracked by lithium sucking the creativity right out of me.

I was also sidetracked by being hit by another car a couple of weeks ago. No serious injury, but I'm still sore. Just ran out of muscle relaxers last night. Dealing with insurance, totalling my vehicle, finding another one, etc., was quite time-consuming.

Now that I've been off of lithium for several days, I feel like I'm not quite myself yet.

Did I get as much writing done as I had hoped? No. But I did get some reformatting done on one of my manuscripts that I've been working on for quite a while, in preparation of putting it up for sale online as an ebook.

I set up a couple of blogs, and I loaded a lot of content to one of them. That's good. But I didn't spend as much time as I had hoped on either of them.

But that's a start, right? They are up and live and ready for me to laod more content and ads so I can start making money from them.

Did I spend time working on finding more clients for my writing biz? No, but I'm working on that this week.

So what did I do?

I had several appointments with my regular MD, my new therapist, and my new psychiatrist.

We changed my meds, let me adjust, changed my meds, let me adjust...

I slept without setting an alarm, so I woke up on my own. This was a big deal since I've felt like I've had sleep deprivation for so long.

I start walking in my neighborhood. I'm up to 15 minutes of walking without a break. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I'm 100 lbs. overweight so this was a big deal for me.

I've cut way back on eating out. Partially by necessity, since my short-term disability pays 75% of my salary. Partially as an effort to be healthy.

Monday is the big day. I've only been in contact with one person from work, and it is the person who has helped me so much along the way, sometimes doing my work for me because I simply don't understand the techy aspects of the job that I was hired to do.

No, I'm not excited about going back to work.

I'm not sure how long I'll last there.

I'm sure that my supervisor (who gave me a REALLY bad annual review a few weeks before I left on short-term leave) will give me a set period of time to make improvements and, if I don't measure up, I'll be out of there.

So I'm focusing on reaching out to more potential customers to boost the freelancing that I've done for several years. My thought pattern is that I can:

• Go back to work now to keep the steady pay coming
• Focus on the job while I'm there and try not to do my usual daydreaming of what I would be doing if I wasn't there
• See how well I do now that I'm not in the hypomania that my psychiatrist thinks was brought on by the anti-depressants
• Continue to reach out to potential freelance customers
• Do the jobs for freelance customers as they come
• Work on building the freelancing so that I can quit the full-time job
• Provide myself with some structure so that when I do quit the job, I will be less likely to stray
• Continue seeing the therapist and psychiatrist so I can learn to deal with bipolar

I'm so much happier when I'm doing my own thing, working from home.

I'm off lithium and the only med the psychiatrist has me on right now is Ambien so I can get some sleep. He thinks that will make a big difference.

Meanwhile, he said to call as soon as I start to feel depressed and we'll try Wellbutrin.

Sorry this is so long.

Thanks for all of the support along the way. I appreciate you guys and gals!

Ugh.

I am not doing well today.

I feel very shut off from the rest of the world, even though I got out and had lunch with friends.

I just want to be someone else. Someone with their shiz together.

Just feeling a little blue. I watched part of "Days of Our Lives" online and kept thinking, "What a cool job, to be an actress. But I wonder if they wake up not wanting to go to work and pretend to be someone else."