Just 22 days left of my FMLA / Short-Term Disability Leave

I feel that you have accomplished things. Walking for more than 10 minutes counts as exercise as long as you do it non-stop - as you do. So that is a big step. Waking up without an alarm clock is a big luxury that I, too, am enjoying now because I go to bed early. It is supposed to be much healthier for you than with an alarm. Sleep is very important for bp all-in-all, and I am glad that your p-doc is helping with sleep. Setting up two blogs ready for content and ads is big, too. So you have not wasted your time.

Thanks, Hamster. I needed to read that. I'm sitting here in tears because it's Thursday and I go back to work on Monday, but I haven't done everything on my big "to do" list for this leave time.

Plus I got off the phone with my very negative mother. She has no idea about all of this leave stuff and me begin back in treatment.

When I was first diagnosed approximately 1989'ish, she refused to believe it was true. Then she said, "How can you do this to me?" as if it was all about her.

She's a huge cause of stress for me.

Just when I'm working on making progress, something will happen and she will knock me back into thinking I'm not worthy of doing whatever I want to do with my life.

Her latest thing is to attempt to discipline me over what I post on Facebook.

I embarrass her.

So I've blocked her and 15 mutual friends/relatives. That way, I can post what I want and she won't see.

I've never been worthy in her eyes. My creativity has been a waste of time because I should have a corporate job instead of placing value on creativity.

She's the reason I took the job that I have now, a job that I really dislike. I was happily working from home on my own with many clients. Because of the economy, a couple of them shut their doors so I lost business. Instead of getting busy and trying to find customers to replace them, I listened to my mother ***** at me about me wasting my life.

Then she started her usual habit of forwarding me help wanted ads, and pushing me to apply. I gave in, applied, and got the job that I have now.

She was so proud.

She is ALWAYS proud of me when I'm following HER idea of what should be my path, not what is actually my own path.

Ugh.

On top of that, this is one of the few times that my body has decided that, yes, I am female, so let's have one of the worst periods EVER.

I think I'll take some Midol and take a nap. Maybe the world will be better once I wake up.

that breaks my heart Purple. we all know how moms should be, but they don't always do what is best for the child or grown woman child. we may carry and give birth to a child, but she is her own person, not a page from a coloring book for us to paint our own colors.

rest up, Purple, we're here for you!

Exercise is good for the cramps. Sitting at a desk is worst.

Heh, is it really called FML?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ha! Thanks for the laugh, Setso!

FMLA = Family Medical Leave Act

It's Friday.

My last workday of short-term disability/FMLA leave.

What am I doing?

I slept late.

I resisted the urge to go out and get some lunch and, instead, pulled something out of the freezer and let it bake for an hour.

Spent that hour sorting piles of laundry in the kitchen floor because I realized I have been wearing the same 1 pair of jeans, 2 T-shirts, and 3 pair of underwear for the last 5 weeks. I suppose I need to find some clothes to wear to work Monday. Plus we had a rapid change of seasons where I live and it looks like I'll need to wear long sleeves back to work.

My state of mind is not good.

I'm still feeling lonely, which I posted about last night in another thread.

Still beating myself up for not getting the big To Do list done while I was off work.

Still wondering if I'll be able to handle the job on a daily basis once I return.

I've looked over my budget and several job websites. There is just no way that I can leave this job for another job, considering the fact that I make about $16 per hour, and most jobs around here pay about $8.

My only way out of that job is to continue to build up my list of clients to do freelance work.

That's what I should have been focusing on while I was off but, as always, I was flighty and went from one project to another while I was off instead of focusing on one until completion.

So this is a fascinating day full of laundry.

I suppose I could have done a little laundry here and there while I was off, but that's so unlike me.

Wait until the last minute. Be a procrastinator. Yeah, that's me.

Purpledaisy,

I feel your pain, most definitely. It is very hard to be a procrastinator. I would recommend waking up tomorrow at the same time as you need to wake up on Monday, and have a high-protein breakfast such as a greek yogurt (preferably plain one, without fillings) or an omelette. Anecdotally, a high protein diet seems to be good for bipolar and such a breakfast will prepare you for a hard day ahead. Brace yourself! You are capable.

Thanks for the tips, Hamster.

Unfortunately, I did not log in until later in the day on Saturday.

My mother woke me up by calling at 9:00 a.m. I answered because, when your parents get to a certain age, you start to think you should answer their calls because they might be injured or something.

I was still asleep. She wanted to see me NOW to discuss finances.

I thought, "What the hell am I in trouble about now?"

Didn't shower. Just threw on clothes and went over there.

What a downer today has been.

I got lectured AGAIN for everything wrong I've ever done in my life, told how I need to turn myself around and fly right, etc.

She showed me her finances AGAIN and told me what she wants done with the houses, vehicles, CDs, and cash when she dies. I don't know why she finds it necessary to show me this stuff every year or so now, but she does.

Then she wanted to go to lunch. We went in one car. Big mistake. I was stuck with her from 10:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m.

Highlight of the day was getting a text from my son saying he wanted to have dinner with me tonight. Just the two of us.

After the crappy day I had yesterday, feeling really lonely, it was great to spend time with him and chat over dinner. But I almost didn't make it. My mom thought we were going to keep going places and doing things together today.

I didn't say to her, "Hey, I need to go. ____ wants to have dinner with me," because it would have pissed her off and she would have demanded to come with us. That's just the way she is.

Still trying to work through the loneliness. It's terrible to be lonely when there is someone in the same house with you, but I don't want to dump too much on my son.

Monday I'm back to work, and I think I should call the psychiatrist to see about the Wellbutrin that he had mentioned. The weather here has turned quite gloomy, and this time of year always sinks my spirits.

Would be nice to feel like I've got my personality back. I'm not even "normal" for me and surely the lithium has worked its way out of my system by now.

For example, I've always been a freak about France. Always have wanted to go there. Son's girlfriend went a few years ago. Yesterday she showed me her photos on her computer and brought a really old book that she bought in France and has stored in a Zip-Lock bag. I opened it and smelled what France smells like. "Normal" me would have squealed, but I was kind of, "Meh. Whatever."

In my experience, it takes FOREVER for medications to wash out of your system. I took myself off Depakote because of weight gain and hand tremor, and the tremor persisted for weeks following discontinuation of the drug.

I've been reading online about people's experiences stopping SSE-causing drugs (SSE=sexual side effects) and one woman reported starting to orgasm again after a month of not taking her SSE-causing drug.

***

Way to go - dinner with son. I envy you. My son lives in Canada and I have not seen him since 2009. Long story, not for now. He is 19 - just a bit younger than yours. I find it hard to believe that I have a child that old, but - it is true.

***

I hope you will get to go to France by yourself. I had a miserable experience in Paris being down with a most violent cold, and I would love to go back and experience it while being well. It is not anywhere on the horizon, but...

Sexual side-effects haven't even crossed my mind, since I haven't had sex since 1998 and have absolutely no sexual desire. No thoughts of sex at all. No masturbation. Nothing. It's like that part of me has been dead for all these years and I just exist without that type of passion.

Yes, it's crazy the way our kids grow and then we think, "How did they get to be this old?"

I have a lot of regrets, but I'm proud of him. I wish I had been coherent when he was little and not a basketcase over his father kicking me out. I wish I had my act together and made decent money so we wouldn't have had to have lived with my parents until my son was 5 years old. I wish I could have given him the things I see my friends giving their kids -- we shared a bedroom until he was 5, he didn't have a cute nursery with a theme, etc.

Can't believe the desire to go to France and other things that make me "me" are gone. I hope they come back. Right now, I just feel like a blog who is destined to continue floating from job to job, without the dreams and goals that used to fuel me.

Wish me luck!

I go back to work in the morning.

I'm upset with myself because I did not carve out time within these last 5 weeks to touch up my gray roots, but at this point it is 7:45 p.m. and I am taking a sleeping pill earlier than usual.

Not excited about going back to work. Not at all.

But I am actually looking forward to being around people, which is so not like me. I'm a hermit I enjoy being a hermit. But right now I feel like I need to be near people, although I don't know why.

I'll check in Monday evening and let you know how the first day back played out.

Thanks for all of the support!

I firmly believe that children do not need cute nurseries. My daughters slept in a family bed consistently well into toddlehood and every once in a while until now with their dad. I really miss not being able to embrace a sleeping child in the morning. Come to think of it, I miss it more than I miss sex.

So toss your regrets! Sharing a bedroom until 5 was perfectly OK for him. He did not miss anything important.

Good luck tomorrow and in the days to come.