today... I have to get back to normal for work

I do landscape maintenance for a living. I own the company and unfortunately, I work alone a lot of the time. Well... my work has really suffered for the last couple of months. I would always go through spurts of really good work and really lazy work before due to hypo and depression, but since starting meds it has been a constant lazier work! no hypo = less work done while I adjusted.

But today, the properties are at a point that if I don't get back to normal, this week, then I will not be able to keep them. I have pushed it right to the limit in regards to not trimming and blowing the properties. My wife thinks I have done this out of laziness, but honestly, I needed the time away/off work to accept my dx and get used to the meds.

Now, I am nervous about getting back to the grindstone. What if I can't do it? I'm making about 34,000 a year and we are barely getting by with that. Ugh... nothing like a little pressure.

I think a lot of it was I needed time to actually mourn my dx. Sounds dumb, huh.. but I needed time to be angry and sad over it. At first, I was trying so hard to be the 'perfect' patient that it took a while for me to do that!

Oh well, sorry for the long post

I don't think I can do this work anymore Scared to think what will happen.

I relate to your post. I haven't worked full time in years, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to. I see ppl I know working regular jobs, and I go, "There is absolutely no way I could do that now." Not at this point anyway.

I understand completely your wanting to mourn your dx. I certainly have--I still do some. When I was dx-ed it was a shock because while I knew something was badly wrong, I did not expect Bipolar, among other things. I remember months of laying in bed at night, in total denial, "No way....this can't be right...he got it wrong, somehow. It just can't." Maybe if you hadn't taken the time to grieve you wouldn't be at the place you are now to work again.

I wish you luck---I can imagine what you must be feeling,

I understand what you, "Mourn you Dx." I think I was recently mourning that I was sick, too.

I get accused of laziness all the time. But, even in mania I'm screwed. I'm to the point that no matter what I'm doing I can't seem to get focused. Everything is a mess around me.

If your clients ask, just say you were ill and try to do your best. When I was a custodian I actually really loved having that big vacuum on my back and I could just vaccum and think. My mind could race and I could even talk to myself and no one knew. I would assume leaf blowing would have a similar effect?

I too mourned my dx, but my reaction was somewhat delayed as I was just so happy to know there was name for it beside 'crazy'. Take it 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time. Try to figure out if you and work can live together with Mr bipolar. This means recognizing red flags, strategizing and having safety nets in place. Its HARD to work like this, but please try different strategies before being convinced that its not do-able. I have faith in you Dan

I would look into all the things you may be able to cut/reduce to take off stress. Then reduce your hours.

Dan, what about HD/Lowe's option? How much would you be making there? I am thinking that the work itself would be easier, at least physically so.

Leaf blowing as having a calming effect... hmmm sometimes I guess. My biggest problem is that my anxiety gets really high and I almost panic about the smallest details. Makes me want to run off the properties.

HD and Lowes won't call me back. I would be making about a thousand less a month there anyways.

I put a plan into action today and it seemed to work. I just figured that I would be out all day and did not try to hurry at all. I assumed that I would be on each property all day, and just gave into that fact.

Of course I was not on each property all day, but by going slow I was able to do the eight properties somewhat decently today. I just got in.... left around seven thirty.... so eight hours.

I used to be twice as fast on the properties and do a better job, but at least I got done today. I was thinking I would not be able to, so this is a good first step.

I did cheat and get a starbucks energy drink though.... wife will be mad about that!

Good work! So you got one starbucks, oh well. First day back and you did a good job! Tomorrow will be easier. Take it slow getting back into it and don't expect perfection. Expect to do a good job. Facing the anxiety is what fights it.