....so I will anyway!

with everything thats happened to me.

I don't feel much anymore....I feel things from the nose up...I cry sometimes but just to myself I cry sometimes.

I am surprised at just how hard my heart is. my heart is not connected to my eyes...otherwise I would freaking dehydrate!

bipolar living at the age of 41 does not have alot of personal benefits for me....combine the borderline disorder and the adhd and I am a real complication!

...labels aside ...they mean little I know just what I'm dealing with here and it's not something I would know what to do with.

....and yet I am trusted every day to manage me just as I see fit.

...so back to the damn point.

I was in 'love' once before...this was an event this was God in my pocket this was emotional immortality this was atmospheric heartbeats this was way too overwhelming for my altered mind.

the only way I could handle it was to ruin it I didn't know I did this but it took years to tear completely the rip I was made to make it was insane.

bipolar love is emotional warzone for the soft.

my heart is hard now it just beats but I still cry but not much

sad hey?

tmi

[faerie_moon_x]

This one is sad.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

This one is sad.

yeah probably...yes

but I can't let it stay sad for long.

it's a unique awareness to accept that the fairy tales are for other people.

...and maybe just maybe the fairy tales are for nobody at all I just got there first.

...I was off on a track here...some way to minimise it .

but that would be stupid after making a topic out of it yeah?

sure I am troubled upset evn very angry and damn it!...

it goes right to the very core of me I cannot make the best thing in life happen because I am such a mess.

so I shut it out I pay the price and so do many incidental and also meaningful people in my life miss out....

because no matter who you or we or I am or are we have a gift of love ...

but I just am too much of a damn coward to share mine anymore...so it seems...
and I don't accept my mental problems I expect to be able to deal with it but I'm seriously stuck.

I let myself feel I go manic...

I let myself be real I panic...

thats more than I like to write

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, the truth is that there are no fairy tales. And people who think the have the fairy tale suddenly wake up and realize they were living in a dream or a delusion or something like that. That's why the relationship forum is the most active one. Hell, I joined this site because of the relationship forum....

Love may happen all by itself but it needs to be tended to like a garden. Relationships take work. Not just for peopel wtih bipolar but for everyone.

I say healing is key. If you heal this area will get better for you, also.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm a coward too... But then my friends over here know that (and only you) but I just couldnt let you confess alone...

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm a coward too... But then my friends over here know that (and only you) but I just couldnt let you confess alone...

...thanks Ophelia, I mean that!....like I have to say it you know I always mean what I write say or scream or yell or sneeze. thankyou.

it's true, I am afraid of things I make decisions every day based on my fears and I have more than some and less than most but more than I ever planned on having!

..they all turned up when I discovered I had feelings and didn't have the stability to support the feelings....

mental illness is more than the mind...it begins there and it becomes an emotional experience.

thats why it's so difficult to explain because once the damage is really done the mind cannot cope anymore.!

...holy crap!...sorry everyone...this is a bit full on...

[Trippin2.0]

No apology neccessary James

[kindachaotic]

dark_horse.... sometimes it's just more complicated than that.

monkey...making your heart hard is hard isn't it...but it's survival.
... not that you should give up, but a coat of armor keeps away the curious.
taking the armor off every now & then is scary but human nature wins sometimes.
...the heart over-rides the brain sometimes, and that's ok. :-)

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

dark_horse.... sometimes it's just more complicated than that.

monkey...making your heart hard is hard isn't it...but it's survival.
... not that you should give up, but a coat of armor keeps away the curious.
taking the armor off every now & then is scary but human nature wins sometimes.
...the heart over-rides the brain sometimes, and that's ok. :-)

Complicated? You're talking to an unmedicated / untreated ultra-rapid cycling bipolar with psychosis, GAD, and schizoid personality who has 3 kids, a full time job, and has made an 8 year marriage work to an unmedicated man wtih sever ADHD and possibly bipolar as well. Complicated is what you make it. Relationships take work.

It's not all roses and sunshine and happy daisies and fairy tale princess and prince. Hell no. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. You admit when you're wrong, when you're broken, and you try to heal and keep moving. Or you give up and be alone. And if the other person can't take it, then that's too bad. But, that's life.

doublemonkey, you're a good person. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Learn from it instead. It's okay, we all do stupid mistakes that hurt.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Complicated? You're talking to an unmedicated / untreated ultra-rapid cycling bipolar with psychosis, GAD, and schizoid personality who has 3 kids, a full time job, and has made an 8 year marriage work to an unmedicated man wtih sever ADHD and possibly bipolar as well. Complicated is what you make it. Relationships take work.

It's not all roses and sunshine and happy daisies and fairy tale princess and prince. Hell no. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. You admit when you're wrong, when you're broken, and you try to heal and keep moving. Or you give up and be alone. And if the other person can't take it, then that's too bad. But, that's life.

doublemonkey, you're a good person. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Learn from it instead. It's okay, we all do stupid mistakes that hurt.

yep dark_heart thankyou yes.

damn you got alot there going on yes....I got know idea what you are dealing with I'm not even qualified to give you credit!

I know kc meant no harm to you she was just supporting me.

...the thing is though and I must write,

I have no 'stupid mistakes'...everything I ever did was deliberate and necessary.

thats why it hurts....it would have been easier better to be stupid make mistakes and die years ago.

but ...

[kindachaotic]

dark_horse, sorry if I offended you, wasn't my intention, my bad.
Am married also, it is tough, really tough, to make it & scrape by.

monkey, sorry I hijacked your thread.

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

dark_horse, sorry if I offended you, wasn't my intention, my bad.
Am married also, it is tough, really tough, to make it & scrape by.

monkey, sorry I hijacked your thread.

...hey kc...please don't feel that way.

I'm way beyond hijacked threads and whatever..!...you talkin' to a country boy here I don't give a toss too bad people say what they need anytime all the time everytime anytime about whatever they need...

it's ok

ok

let me know it's ok cos I know how you are

[kindachaotic]

... it's ok monkey.

dark_horse... hope we're ok as well.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, no problem. I just don't want people thinking I make light of things, because I don't. Life is work.

Well, doublemonkey sometimes you do what you have to do. We all have hard things in life like that, too. I had to leave a bad marriage, and what happened? He took my boy for revenge. To get rid of the poison, I lose my first joy, too. So, yeah, I know how it goes.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Yeah, no problem. I just don't want people thinking I make light of things, because I don't. Life is work.

Well, doublemonkey sometimes you do what you have to do. We all have hard things in life like that, too. I had to leave a bad marriage, and what happened? He took my boy for revenge. To get rid of the poison, I lose my first joy, too. So, yeah, I know how it goes.

I reckon you know how it goes more than me dark...in ways I don't.

I know how things go and don't go in other ways

(there is compassion in here...not my specialty but it's in here)

[BlueInanna]

(((Monkey))) If I was in Aussie I would come find you and tear off your heart armor and steal you away on my motorcycle or horse or llama or spaceship. Sweep you off your feet cuz I'm manic and horny and you make me smile!!! I always want to know what is he going to say next! Not the stalker type, don't worry, just admiring from afar.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

(((Monkey))) If I was in Aussie I would come find you and tear off your heart armor and steal you away on my motorcycle or horse or llama or spaceship. Sweep you off your feet cuz I'm manic and horny and you make me smile!!! I always want to know what is he going to say next! Not the stalker type, don't worry, just admiring from afar.

Blue you throw it out like I would be stupid not to catch it....

you sound real upbeat yep!...this is great.! some of the most brilliant babies are caused from manic encounters.

I can ride a llama no worries!, I don't know about those other things?

cool...no stalkers... hehe..