Not sure if I can keep working

I run a business with my cousin, she is like a sister to me, we'll call her Maggie. When my father passed away we were in our 20's, it was traumatic for the whole family. I was depressed for years, but also doing crazy stuff like bad drugs and just nuts. But at that time the company was handed to Maggie and myself. We both became instant young executives. We worked very hard and built it into something like it had never been.

About 2 years ago, she and I both were dx'd bp, her dx about a year after mine. I think it's just that it got worse with age unfortunately, we're both about 40 now. It runs in our family, was pretty obvious episodes we were both having.

Then the economy went bad, we lost a lot of customers. Things have been really bad.

There are many reasons I'm having trouble getting to work. There are things I work on remotely from home, but for example this week I only made it to the office 1 day, and it was not very productive. Now I'm still trying to get my arse in gear to take a freakin shower and just drive over there and work. But my brain hurts and feels so heavy and all I want to do is stay in bed and hide. At the same time, my brain won't stop, so much worrying, too many thoughts.

So I know I act pretty crazy sometimes, and usually proud of it. Hmm... delusional much that I think my crazy is more ok than hers? lol..

But Maggie has been been acting so freaking crazy and it's really affecting me badly! She had an affair last winter with one of our customers! She was sure she was in love with him, no one ever made her feel so loved, etc. There was no talking her out of it. Her husband found out, she got suicidal in front of their young kids, and went inpatient. So they got couples counseling, we lost another customer.

Anyway, now she is at it again - with another customer! She went out of town with him to another state, which was having a serious hurricane at the time, and lied to her husband about where she was. Her husband was frantically texting me that something emergency with the kids and he couldnt find her at the relatives house she said she would be going to. So I knew nothing about her even leaving the state.

I finally talked to her on the phone and she was giggly. I asked her wtf she thinks she's doing. She says, what do you mean? I said, well you just did this same thing a few months ago, wtf are you thinking! And then she says, oh you are on speaker phone by the way.(!) And then she has the guy talking to me, about how, oh no this is nothing like that other guy, I love your cousin and she loves me.

I was furious. I don't approve of her having another affair, I guess she's going to get a divorce. She's my business partner, and threw me into a phone call with her lover. Several times now, he's always with her, and being a part of our phone conversations. And she talks differently when she's with him, like will rip me to shreds for not paying bills on time, talking about all of our finance and business plans in front of him. And he chimes in with wanting to know details.

I feel like wtf! This feels like freaking twilight zone to me! Now they've taken off to Europe together, I found out from her husband. And this is supposed to be my business partner. I do the banking, so I'm seeing charges coming through for their hotels together. We cannot afford this, it is crazy. She barely answers my calls, and then it's like I can't talk to her alone.

I can't keep doing this, I've told her I feel panicky about all this, and she is seriously galavanting around the world. And what happens when she crashes down, I'm worried for her health, worried for if she will probably lose her children, I'm in no state to take them in.

I have to keep going, my bills have gotten so high, that I can't not work. I have the 3 kids, my mom to support. I get zero child support. I have to keep going somehow. But there are many things she does for the business that I am no good at, sales & marketing & travelling. I don't know how I'll keep working! How is a business supposed to stay in business with 2 crazy bipolar cousins running it? I have believed in us for a long time.... but lately I'm out of fuel. And having so much anxiety.

How much of what she does during this mania are we all supposed to forgive?

Right now, I'm staring at the bathroom like the shower is evil, but I have to do it. Tell myself, it won't be so bad just do it really fast... ughhh... I don't want to do anything but cry and hide!

BlueInanna,

I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do.

I suck at advice sometimes so I don't know that I have anything helpful to say except that although I am new here I sorta feel like I know you a little and that makes me want to be here for you. I can feel a little agitated with your cousin's behavior and that she is not considering how her activities are affecting you...especially while you are going through your own things right now. It really is not fair that you are the one left here to deal with the business, her husband, and your own life that is all hanging in the balance. I don't know how much is forgivable in a situation like this...

It makes me scared for her a little too; knowing how mania can make everything seem so shiny and real... when we are fooled by it is when it gets scary; too bad it is so hard to differentiate what is real and what just seems to glitter. That is the part that I hate the most because it feels good but it isnt...

Can you try to get in the shower at least to see if it makes you feel better? Throw on some music while you are in there and see if you can't shake the funk a little...Sending healing vibes and wishes for strength in your direction.

I wish I could come help you. Sending you as much positivity as I can muster up.

Wow Blue, damn!!!

I have no advice for the business part, I have absolutely zero knowledge about anything business orientated.

This is some serious heavy duty stuff. Sounds like you are burnt right out. And ya deservedly so. It reads like the twilight zone, the twilight zoniest bit of all is that you are still plowing on.

This sucks cause I know your situation and the outside help thing, which is what you really need and cannot have at the same time. I wish I could offer you real life help, because you really need it. And all I can do is words, and that's so not good enough right now.

This is where forgive and forget go two separate ways for me. I can forgive a person of many many things. The forget part no, and I don't remember the event to cause the other person pain, but I do use it to keep myself aware.. you can't really forget when you need to remember.

I hope someone comes a long with some help for you on the business end of this. Is there anyone else in your family that can help keep things alfoat there for now.

Blue, many many many hugs to you. I am so sorry that you've been given this dish right now. Sending you all the positive thoughts I can, hopefully something somewhere is going to give!!!

Wow - you are in a tough place right now.

It sounds like three distinct issues here:

1. Family illness and where you feel your responsibility lies

which is threatening your

2. Business and financial security

which is likely triggering

3. Your current depressive episode

I think the first thing you need to do is try to take that shower. I'm hoping that's where you are now since you've logged off just recently. That will usually make me feel at least a little more human and able to function.

Now, you need to call a business attorney. Find out what your financial rights are and if you can lock down the financial access to the business accounts. Also determine whether or not she can be held personally liable for those charges. It is your father's business - do you have the majority share or are you equal partners? Again, a lawyer can help you sort all that out. Call the bank too, just to see if you can have the cards locked down - explain to them what is happening.

Call your pdoc. See if you can add a PRN for anxiety or something to get you through this. Maybe make an extra appointment with your therapist if you're seeing one. Be sure to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

As for the family issues - first, there is only so much latitude one can give to a family member who refuses to tend to their illness. If this had been the first manic episode in years or if she'd never done anything like this before, that might be different. But it's not. She's done this before, and pretty recently. It sounds like she may never have fully come down from the last manic episode. This is not your responsibility. It is hers. And if she's incapacitated and can't stop the mania, then her husband needs to step in and have her hospitalized, against her will if necessary. This may be a conversation you need to have with him. Since it's a fairly recent diagnosis, he may not understand what his legal rights are and what to do in case of an emergency, which this is. I understand that you're fairly new at managing this too, and don't mean to put the pressure on you, but it sounds like you have a much better handle on this bipolar thing than she does and can help her husband understand. I don't quite understand why you are concerned about having to take her kids - can't her husband keep them? Or are they children from a previous relationship? Still, I don't see why the kids wouldn't live with her husband. You've got enough to worry about without adding things like that.

Most of all....breathe.

Oh my gosh, Blue! You are a super hero, do you know that? The stuff you have to deal with boggles my mind that you are even awake right now....

Okay, so, I think that because your cousin is using the money of the business to go on a non-business related adventure... you have legal grounds here to stand on. I know you probably don't want to hear that. But... there is a time when you have to seperate business from family. You love her as your cousin and you need to deal with her issues of BP seperately from the issues of the business. Perhaps madatory in-patient treatment or there will be consequences like being fired? I know ADA, but it clearly states that the employee cannot be causing direct damage to the business that is a hardship on the business - like galavanting across Europe on the company dime... I mean... she's a co-executive but she can still be removed. Also... using company funds to travel for pleasure is white collar crime... What would she do if you froze the business account right now?

How stable is her husband? If anyone gets those kids, he is the one. I know for a fact that dads get their kids (I have 0 custody over my oldest son,) as long as they are stable and employed. And things like a suicide attempt in front of the kids.... she is so lucky she doesn't have CPS on her right now (I'm guessing she doesn't or you would have said...) But, I suggest you band together with her husband as the 'this is not okay, and unless you get treatment you can't see the kids,' because sadly her behavior is damaging to them.

I wish I had more advice, but... to save your business you may have to become the bigger boss. To save your cousin you will need to bully her into treatment... All I know is that business can rip a family to shreds... I don't want to see that happen, but you can't survive this way.

Thanks so much for firstly reading my small novel! And thank you for the support. It does help so much to get the different perspectives and much more rational thinking that comes from you guys, because I am so emotionally inflamed and attached to the situation that I cannot think straight.

I managed a shower. Someone who had last used it, changed the water spray/pressure, usually makes me really mad. But I let it go, didn't get mad, didn't even change the spray to the way it's "supposed" to be. Just used the shower as is, this is improvement for me.

Now I'm going to throw on clothes and just do it, get to the office. I have a lot to process from your guys advice, thank you.

I agree -- try to save the business.

What type of business set-up is there, as far as LLC or whatever? I would be concerned about how much of her nonsense could harm not only the business, but you personally.

If things aren't set up properly, someone could sue and you could lose everything. Not just the business, but any personal assets.

Do you have an attorney to discuss the business with? Just to make sure it is set up in a way that would protect you?

I know it's hard to get yourself put together and go to work a lot of times.

Do you have employees? Is there anyone you trust and who runs things well?

Any chance of phasing out your cousin and getting another business partner? Is anyone else in line to inherit the business on her side of the family?

If there is any way to build positive relationships with current customers and work on finding new ones, focus on that.

I made it to work, but can't deal, can't focus, want to leave already.

It's a corp, we own equally. There is not anyone else in line or even willing to take on what we do. I can't remove her, she tried about 10 years ago to remove me, I was in depression and not pulling my weight, the lawyer said not possible. Since then, she's tried to be very supportive, trying to get me to take some months off, with pay, to get well. But for the past couple years we've been on a skeleton crew and can't afford to pay me and someone else to do my job.

I can't freeze her cards because she could just call up and order new ones. She's the older one, I've always been more quiet and behind the scenes. She's always been more out-going and better at running the business. I'm terrified to talk to her about this, I feel panicky just thinking about it, I even start shaking, sick to my stomach. Will her boyfriend be there with her? Probably, and he's my customer, a large account, very tricky. I'm worried to trigger her as well. Especially if she's overseas, what sort of hospital would she go to, what sort of treatment, when would they let her out?

I don't know how to make it through this day. I've now fully started smoking again, and want to just go somewhere away from here and smoke. I'm trying to take it hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. But the minutes keep passing and I can't even wrap my head around what are the most important tasks I should get done while I'm here. I feel like I need to run away from here.

Regarding the kids, yes their dad is awesome, I love him dearly. He is a good dad, though he must be going crazy too with everything she is doing. The kids will be safe with him, but they will not be ok without their mom. She asked me to take them about a week ago because she said the dad was freaking out. She knows what my house is like right now with my older son's violence and drug use, so I know she wasn't thinking straight when she asked me that, plus it was in a text at 3am.

Why does breathing feel like such a chore right now! I will try some yoga.

Call your pdoc.

I think when dealing with your cousin on these issues with the business you should do so with a lawyer. Don't confront her on your own. Plus, since she is using company funding for something like this trip, and then also consorting with the customers, depending on your business type that could also bring up legal trouble. Heck, it could just bring up trouble. "She claimed as long as I slept with her (fill in the blanks.)" Or if other customers get wind of it they could cause trouble, too, even if not legal then in the form of rumors or bad talking the business to other potential customers. Nothing is worse than bad word-of-mouth. (Sure they are great if you sleep with the CEO type of BS....)

So... no, do not confront her on your own without an attorney present. And her "boyfriend" should not be involved, esepcially since he is a customer as well...

I feel horrible for her husband. That would be a nightmare to first overcome one infidelity only to relive it again a few months later. And then, what worse, to see your kids losing their parent... I will keep you and all your family in my thoughts, Blue.

Heck yeah, Blue! You are a superhero! (even if it doesn't feel like it.)

Good Call, DHX.
Dohndohnhnadahhhhhh! Superblue

You are pretty tough. I've noticed.

hang in there, lady

Blue

I am sorry you are in this mess! I think everyone has some wonderful advice. I cant think of anything to add ( feeling stupid lately)

Take care of YOU ! I'm pulling for you

Just take it one moment to the next.

I wish I had some awesome advice to give you, but mentally I am in a fog right now. But just know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best in this messy situation.

And I wish I could magically clear your fog!! We all have our **** we're going though, I think it's pretty great that we even muster up clicks on hugs!!! Or even opening and reading threads can be a trial. But we've got each other and people who really understand here, and we'll get through it together!

I somehow made it through this day, 10min yoga helped, still horribly tense though. I got a lot done considering what a mess my brain feels. I didn't yell at the guy from the collection agency, nor the lady from the health insurance. So I did ok!

Haven't talked to Maggie. Think I will talk to the lawyer, ughh yucky dont want to do it.

Thanks for the support guys I feel like I can make it through this kind of stuff with you as my friends.

I imagine that in addition to everything mentioned in this thread your ADHD makes it especially difficult to concentrate on running this business single-handedly! But you are doing an awesome job at it! Yay, super hero!

Reminded me of you Blue!! And what everyone is saying, so true, you are a warrior!

haha oh, opps I just realized she's smokin' something, hahaha ok really I didn't see that, I thought she was a blowin' on a dandilion. Well you warriored through that too!

Superhero Blue to the rescue! lol.

I too run my own business, and it's hard enough to get to work without the manic other half threatening the finances.

I too have a hard time getting out there to work and it has cost me customers too. what kind of business is it? you said you work remotely from home some of the time? are you into consulting?

I love the picture Anika!! Thanks!!!!

Dan - I'll pm you more about work stuff. But, I do international business in the home decor industry. I get paranoid and need my anonymity here, it's my safe place.

And "Maggie" has bp too and could show up here for support (nightmare), but from the pictures she's busy in Europe! lol... life is nuts... it's not me... it's life...!!!

Wow, Blue,
I am so sorry. As you know, I am not the best person to give work advice, since I can't seem to make myself want to go, but I feel so sad for all you are dealing with! My first thought was that you need to milk the company dry before she does-see no business sense on my part.
The posts about seeing a lawyer make the most sense to me. You are so strong, Blue, that I know you will work through this, but meanwhile I am so sorry for your depression and pain.

I wish the screwed up shower head was the only bad thing you had to deal with today!
Bluemountains