First day back at work after 5 weeks of short-term disability and FMLA leave

Blehk.

I survived the first day back at work.

It's a cubicle farm and I used to go for weeks without seeing some of the people in my department, even though they were just around the corner from me. So not many people even noticed I was gone, let alone the fact that I returned today.

There are only 5 people that I see each Monday at a meeting. They all knew I was gone. The rest of the approximately 30 people in the department, for the most part, had no idea.

Of those 30, two people sent me messages on Facebook half-way into my leave asking where I was.

One girl stopped at my cube today and said, "You're back! I've missed you!" and gave me a hug. It was weird because she has never been friendly in the year-and-a-half that I've been there.

In fact, she's one of the people who complained about me to my manager and her words were used against me in the terrible annual review right before I took my leave.

It took me half the day to get caught up on emails.

Then a guy who has always been in charge of my training gave me a couple of new projects. I sat down, read through them, got started on them, felt OK about my progress, and then hit a wall.

Got to the point where I didn't know what I was doing.

Add a few near-crying spells.

Add more thoughts of, "What am I doing here? This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?"

Add a few peeks at job websites with jobs paying half what I make.

Add more periods of self-doubt and wondering if I'm really a creative person, or if what I've always thought was creativity was actually hypomania.

My friend at work who has always helped me (even doing some of my work to keep me from getting fired a few times) was off today, so when I got stuck on that project I wasn't able to ask her what I should do next. Hopefully, she will be back tomorrow and I can ask her.

What got me through the day?

I'm still riding on a bit of a high from having dinner with my son over the weekend, and even though he's spending every spare minute with the girlfriend, I've been able to get hugs two days in a row.

I left a message with my psychiatrist's nurse to see about Wellbutrin, since the last time we met he said to call for the RX when I start to feel myself spiraling downward.

I kept telling myself things will get better.

I don't know if they really will or not, but that's what I kept telling myself.

P.S. Forgot to mention. I'm a major Facebook addict and I have felt so bad these last few days that I have not posted at all. No likes for other people or comments for their posts, either.

When I take the time to look at what's going on with friends on Facebook, it just reminds me of what I don't have. Usually I'm excited to be on there because I loved to stay in touch with friends and I'm not a phone-type of person.

Hey, you did it! First day is done!!

i went through something similar to what you said about the creativity and the hypo/mania. my bp dx made me analyze every point in my life and wonder was that me or was that the bp? so far to the point where i felt like i didnt even exist, like every happy time was mania.

someone on here actually snapped me back into reality. Purple - that creativity is yours! it doesn't matter if you were hypo/manic at the time. you know what else, that hypomania was yours too, your brain doing it's thing. you are a creative person, you know this in your heart!

I'm very proud of you making it through this first day! You must be emotionally exhausted though. It should get better when you get back in the routine. Welbutrin should help right? Hope you're able to have a relaxing evening

Thanks, Blue!

I'm ready to take my contact lenses out, take a sleeping pill, and go to bed, and it's only 8:14 p.m. here.

Just need to hang in there and keep this job as long as I can, and pray that my creativity kicks in again so I can continue on the path that I used to be on (to be self-employed using my talents once again).

That sounds like an awesome plan!! I think I might join you lol... but only 6:45 here... gotta stay up til my son falls asleep

Once you're able to relax there, your creativity will flow, don't worry

I'm so proud of you, PD! Sorry your day was so rough tho...

I was telling the intake nurse today I am not sure what parts of my personality are real and what are the BP. Your comments about creativity really hit home.

Many congratulations! Unfortunately I lost my job today due to BP and major deppression but I am hopeful somehow I will work again one day.

Have a great night.

Wow, done with the email backlog in half-a-day - you are fast!

This is OT to the thread, but you might be surprised when you start Wellbutrin - it just might give you your sexuality back. It has been known to have that effect on people. The downside is possible anxiety, so watch yourself carefully.

Yay, Purple! You did it...and you will never have to experience 9/17/2012 again! So, there's that. So proud of you that you were able to make it through. You should be proud of yourself.

"someone on here actually snapped me back into reality. Purple - that creativity is yours! it doesn't matter if you were hypo/manic at the time. you know what else, that hypomania was yours too, your brain doing it's thing. you are a creative person, you know this in your heart!"

Blue makes a good point. I have wondered the same thing before and she is right- regardless of it being the hypo or whatever, it still came from you. So it is inside of you and isn't going anywhere.

Congratulations for making it through purpledaisy. That was a big accomplishment. Thinking positively is half the battle I think. Tell yourself you can do it and you will, just take it 1 day at a time.

Hey Purple dear, how did it go today?

Ugh.

I was on the verge of tears several times at work again today.

My only friend at work (the one who even did some of my work to keep me from getting fired back before I went on leave) is not helping me at all.

Not that I expect her to do my work for me again. I don't expect that.

But I sent her a couple of questions during the day and she told me, "I don't know. Look it up (wherever)."

The thing is, after being gone for 5 weeks, I have trouble remembering where to find the spots on the company intranet to look up the things she is telling me to look up. (Hope that makes sense.)

She said our new, inexperienced manager chick told her not to help me "as much."

Sink or swim time.

Today was sunny. That helped my mood a lot. For the last few days, it has been gloomy and rainy, which makes my mood sink.

But it didn't help me get past the feeling of dread as I sat there, knowing I'm in over my head with this job.

Like I've said before, the technical part of the job is way above my head. It isn't anything like my degree or my background.

I've been trying to stuff myself into what this job expects of me (and of what family members expect of me -- the ones who pushed me into getting this job) ever since I started there.

This afternoon, it hit me -- I don't have to get too many more customers to boost my sideline business to the point where I can earn as much per day as my take-home pay from the job. (Not counting the insurance, which I'd have to give up if I left, of course.)

So this afternoon I was thinking, "Maybe I just need to print a calendar and set a date, whether it's 3 or 4 weeks or whatever, and then my goal is to boost my clientele between now and then so that I'm making $100+ per day. Then I will quit the job that makes me so miserable.

This evening, I have concentrated on taking care of the orders that came in today from my customers.

I'm exhausted.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone!