Unsure ehat to do with myself...

I've felt this way as far back as I can remember. Isolated, misunderstood, sad, angry. I've hit a really low period recently, lower than I remember for a long time. I want to lash out, I know it's inappropriate and possibly very dangerous in such a confined environment. I'm restless and tired, my temper shortening like a wick. For years and years I was fed drug after drug to no avail. I know this is interfering in my ability to have a personal life. The irony being it makes me very good at my job, to the point I'm trod upon by management which serves to make me even more irritable. I don't know where to turn, more meds seem like a joke and I'm never in one place long enough to make regular therapy a viable option. I don't know what to do...

Why is management being unfair with you? You indicate that you're very successful at your work.

Your job must cause you to have to travel a good bit, since you can't make regular therapy an option.

I would see a psychiatrist where you have home base established. Surely you're home often enough to visit one once a month. With medications, it may be that you could work something like that into your schedule. You might even see him once every 3 months, depending on your needs.

You really can't afford not to be treated if you have bipolar illness. It gets worse over time if untreated. With proper medications, you may be even more successful
in your career and far happier in your personal life. And you may even be advised
to leave the current job and move into a position that enables you to have permanent residence where you are and can settle into a good relationship with the appropriate psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.

Keep in touch and let us know how you get along.

Genetic

I'm not sure what my options are. My industry is tightly regulated as far as meds you can take and still be able to work. Right now I'm home every other month, not sure about the future as I'm changing jobs here in a few days. I cannot imagine a career change. The economy doesn't permit for such flippancy right now and my job is the only place I feel safe. Managment where I'm currently working is unfair in the fact that they've come to be to reliant on me without offering much in return but recrimination on the rare occasions I don't do things perfect. Nothing to be done for that but to move on to another company. I don't know how much more often I'll be home with them yet. When I am home I barely have time to breathe. Unhealthy as it may be, my children come first and generally take up all the time I have at home so my needs get pushed way to the bottom if considered at all.

hi, welcome, sorry sounds like a really bad time for a long time. changing meds/more meds can be kind of a joke... like such an experiment, and it's your life and well-being, ability to work that either could be helped or totally messed up for who knows how long
but welcome and hope we can be some support here

Thank you for the warm welcome. Feeling like an experiment is what prompted me to go off the meds in the first place. I know I'm a mess but I don't know if it's worth the risk to try again. I've gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings or at least hiding myself when I don't feel like I can fake it. It get very lonely and I'm ashamed that I'm lying to everyone. I've fought so hard to be someone they could at least respect if not care about.

Who are you lying to? Shame is no good, eats away at you. I don't share my business (emotions) with everyone. Not everyone needs to know in my opinion. Sometimes they'll use it against me in some way, or have some flippant response like I shouldn't feel this way or that way, or I know I might feel differently in a day, cuz yep I have mood swings. So I'm careful in real life what I share with who. I don't totally close myself off, but I do protect myself, my feelings.

Almost everyone. My family more than anyone. I'm terrified for them to find out everythings not sunshine and rainbows. I've put them through so much over the years and my dad's health is not so great.

well yeah...you've got some energy!....and your abilities get abused wherever you go......

emotional energy is simply amazing in the most complicated ways.

did much the same thing...you just described it better...I just got mad....really mad!

being unsettled is deeper than current events.

hard as it is...and I've had life stop me time and time again...to settle long enough in the one place...

to adjust...to just get some freaking time out....instead of always trying to fit in with others...

thats what happens on the move

...in the meantime..."it aint your fault"

...difficult as is it for whatever reason....to give yourself space...hard as hell like it's been but necessary and it's possible

I don't owe anybody anything....except 'me' when I'm well and then it's easy...and I'm not there yet...but have experienced it

take all the time you need

Thank you, I'm grateful for the support. I can't really open up about this to the people in my life. I've always been a runner. Which meant up until a year ago I really had no home. The only reason I do now is because my home, my office and my whole life wander around the country with me. I'm rarely in one place more than a few hours, never saying more than a few sentences to anyone.