[Miss Laura]

Ok, I have a huge problem. I have stopped my meds just a few days at a time. I haven't been feeling well with the side effects 'hangover' effect, stinker of a headache etc! I have been talking to this guy from England. He was meant to be coming to see me in a few weeks but I cancelled. Today I spoke to my Support Worker and ended up in tears. She is like a mum sometimes in a good way. She likes me and I have known this for a wee while. Today I said to her 'why do you like me' she gave me all these compliments which I can't take. I get so embarrassed. I don't understand why people like me? I don't want to take meds but at the same time I know deep down I have to. She asked me last week when taking my meds in the morning and in the evening what do I think/say to myself. I said I don't know. Well actually I sit and ponder 2-3 hours before I take them. I have to gain the power to take them.

I don't like letting people, myself down by not following routines, meds etc but I can't accept I am ill/I have bipolar/I need medication! I am putting myself at risk with my behaviour and my stubborn ways!

Is there any wise words people can give me? I can't talk to my family and I don't want to bother my friends, as they all think I am doing good? I feel like I am going mad sometimes!

[moremi]

I have struggled with taking my medications too. My best friend told me to look at it like this. If I had diabetes I would have to take insulin. I have bipolar so I have to take medication for my brain. Now that I look at it like that, its not as hard to take it.

[lynn P.]

((Miss Laura)) - some with Bipolar can manage without meds and others really need them to be stable and functioning. My brother was in a bad way without the meds. I'm sorry you're struggling and I think you should take them again. Hoping you'll feel better soon.

[canacrip]

Are you taking your meds now? It sounds like you may be going through a manic phase, like your mind is racing with all this stuff that you don't know what to do with. I don't think there are any great words of wisdom. I know that we do not see ourselves the way others see us. We're too close. I think of it like news print. I am the picture, but I am just a bunch of dots as far as I can see. My family and friends are far enough back that they get this great, clear picture I will never see. Compliments are just them telling us what the picture looks like from their perspective, while we insist that "no, I'm not! I'm a bunch of dots!" Listen to them and nurture those things that others seem to see and you don't. Hang in there!

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys,

Why can't I accept I need them/I'm ill.... The ironic thing is when I originally just had Depression I took ALL the Anti-Depressant's I were given despite them NOT working yet I can't take my ACTUAL meds!! Ye I am back on meds started again today, I feel like a complete hypocrite cause my job use to be ensuring my service users to TAKE their meds.

In the space of 1 month I have became an Aunt for the 1st time, looking forward to the guy coming up to see me and then last weekend my Sister and her ex broke up and it was a nasty break up.

In my head I am thinking I should make a med plan and have it as a tick sheet, but I live with my folks and I would be embarrassed

[venusss]

see, I don!t think you need to view yourself as ill, if that is not what you can accept. How about "I am troubled, but I do what I can to make the best of this?". That leave wider range of options.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Thanks guys,

Why can't I accept I need them/I'm ill.... The ironic thing is when I originally just had Depression I took ALL the Anti-Depressant's I were given despite them NOT working yet I can't take my ACTUAL meds!! Ye I am back on meds started again today, I feel like a complete hypocrite cause my job use to be ensuring my service users to TAKE their meds.

In the space of 1 month I have became an Aunt for the 1st time, looking forward to the guy coming up to see me and then last weekend my Sister and her ex broke up and it was a nasty break up.

In my head I am thinking I should make a med plan and have it as a tick sheet, but I live with my folks and I would be embarrassed

I am the worst at remembering to take any type of medication be it a vitamin or an antibotic. I even forget to take pain pills when I'm in pain... how crazy is that!

The reason I'm not on meds now is because I forgot to take them for so long I would have to start all over... and to start over I have to go back tot he doctor. Haha...

Try to think what you felt was different about when you were on the depression meds? I'm guessing there is a block in your mind, or you thought depression was more acceptable than bipolar. There's nothing wrong with having bipolar. We're amazing people!

[Anika.]

I think Venus is right, and also choosing to take your meds or not take your meds is a choice. Maybe if you see it as a choice instead of a need or "have" to, maybe it will be easier for you to accept. No one likes feeling backed in a corner or like their are no choices. No one likes to feel like that are sort of being forced to do something.

It makes us feels powerless, and helpless, but we do have quite a bit of power and help available to us. Viewing it as a choice, and one that you make vs. a need or "have" to might help give you a sense of empowerment with whichever methods you choose, while you are making them.

[BlueInanna]

i have heard that people in depression act calmer in the face of calamity, maybe that's why you were more complacent and compliant with meds at that time. looking back over my initial depression dx, yes i did not have much problem taking those meds.

just like you said Laura, i realize i have to build myself up to take my meds. it is 1pm and i still haven't taken them. i had no idea that's what i'm doing until you put words to it. i would've called it forgetting, but i'm not, i'm more like procrastinating. but i'll take them now, no changing until i meet with pdoc later this month.

Why don't you try to change your diet and so reduce the amount of medications you need to take. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I drink coffee and tea? Am I a big fan of chocolate?
2. To I use alcohol at all?
3. Am I a big sugar lover?
4. Do I eat a lot of refined white flour products?
5. Am I a big meat eater?
6. Do I like fish and often have it (2 to 3 times per week)
7. Do I drink plenty of purified or distilled water?
8. Am I a big dessert eater?
9. Do I eat a lot of hot dogs, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, etc.? French fries?
10. Do I like salads and manage to have one every day?
11. Do I cook fresh vegetables often?
12. Do I drink diet or regular soft drinks? How often?
13. Do I sleep well and have a regular time each night to go to bed?
14. Do I eat a lot of dairy products, such as milk, cheese, yogurt, cream, sour cream, butter, etc.?
15. Do I smoke cigarettes or use "recreational drugs"?

Each of these questions has a predominantly "yes" or "no" place in your diet.
Let us know which ones you have a strong "yes" or "no" to and I'll try to help you understand what you need to change to clear up your diet so that you feel better and may, later, be able to reduce your medications because you have full control of a balanced, health-promoting diet.

Some on the forum have begun to recognize how good diet is affecting their bipolar health. You might wish to read a few of the articles.

Genetic

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys,

Dark_Heart X.... When I took the Anti-depressants I was ill. I was very suicidal and self harming like crazy, plus I was working full time and HAD to be normal. Now I don't work and I am very rarely depressed to that stage again and ok I do self harm but not as much. I was worse off before I was put on Mood Stabliser/Anti-Psychotic meds.

Generic......

1. Do I drink coffee and tea? Am I a big fan of chocolate? No to tea or coffee and yes to chocolate. I don't eat that much maybe a small bar a day if that?
2. To I use alcohol at all? I do drink but it is very rare can go months without drinking
3. Am I a big sugar lover? Yes I like sugary things but it is rare as I have to be careful about my teeth (I am protective over them lol)
4. Do I eat a lot of refined white flour products? Not really
5. Am I a big meat eater?I do like meat maybe 4 times a week I have meat
6. Do I like fish and often have it (2 to 3 times per week) I do like fish but I do nto eat it often
7. Do I drink plenty of purified or distilled water? I drink diluting juice and some water but not a fan of plain water
8. Am I a big dessert eater? Oh God Yes!!
9. Do I eat a lot of hot dogs, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, etc.? French fries? No not really
10. Do I like salads and manage to have one every day? Not every day maybe once or twice a week?
11. Do I cook fresh vegetables often? Yes
12. Do I drink diet or regular soft drinks? How often? Diet soft drinks. A lot more since I left my job maybe 4-5 glasses a day?
13. Do I sleep well and have a regular time each night to go to bed? No my biggest issue. Have been an insomniac since I was a kid and its never really got any better. I do take Serequol XR at night to aid me to sleep.
14. Do I eat a lot of dairy products, such as milk, cheese, yogurt, cream, sour cream, butter, etc.? Not really maybe once or twice a day?
15. Do I smoke cigarettes or use "recreational drugs"? No to both

I have been feeling mildly manic over the past few days. My Support Worker texted me the following day to see how I was doing which was nice of her. I am seeing her again on Thursday and another Support Worker on Tuesday..... she is also the manager so I will get support twice next week which is very rare. My Support Worker has said I am really hard on myself and that I have a lot of sellf hatred for myself. I have low self-esteem.... I always have had this. She keeps getting me into trouble as I call myself "stupid" "idiot" "thick" she says I am so negative. I don't mean to be. I just don't think I am clever or anything like that. I worry a lot too.

I think I have been ok since I spoke to her on Wednesday.... I have had minimum anxieties and have been taking my meds daily. I think she will be proud of me for taking my meds. I hate it when she gets hard on me but I understand why cause she cares about me etc. She said she wanted to come and hug me but she knew I wouldn't accepted it and she can't handle rejection in that way. I can not let people touch me. I get too embarrassed and its really uncomfortable. I remember we did a pamper day a few months ago at the project. She said would it be ok to massage cream into my hands. I was scared but once I got over it I was fine. She said she was proud of me as that was a huge step for me.

I really want her to hug me, but I don't want to incase I crumble and she feels rejected and I would feel really bad/embarrassed and probably wouldn't be able to look at her again without feeling sad. She has said a few times and again this week she thinks I am lost in a sense. She wants to understand me but sometimes its hard. She understands MH amazingly well her Mum has Borderline and her family is plagued with MH Illness's she herself has depression. I just wish I could be better at explaining to her face:face but I can never get the words out