[Resident Bipolar]

When I look in the mirror, I just...don't see me. I've changed a lot, appearance wise:

From



To



But it's not all about appearance. I can be in a certain situation, just look around and think. "Hang on, is this actually me?". I feel like I've lost my identity. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if it's actually me. It doesn't feel like me.

I don't really know me. I don't know. I'm so confused.

I can be lying with my boyfriend, he'll be speaking, and then I'll just start thinking, what the hell? Is this actually me? I'm actually here. What am I doing here? How did I get here?

Suicidal thoughts are also rearing their ugly head again. But I'm not going back to the services. If they cared about my life they wouldn't just not contact me when I missed my last appointment.

RB ♥

[hamster-bamster]

Both pics look pretty good to me!

[LiveThroughThis]

I agree with Hamster, but obviously there is something in you/about you that you feel has changed for the worse, and that's significant,

I am with you, except I don't have the guts to post any pics because the change is so drastic (a 100lb weight gain).

It is ******. And I regularly get surprised when I'm in a diff. place that has a mirror and spot myself, "****, I'm THAT big?!"

[moremi]

I hear what you are saying. I feel the exact same way. I dont know who I am anymore. I am no longer the person I used to be before all the meds and the bp came along. I am a complete different me. I dont like me much anymore. Not only do I look completely different, everything about me is different down to the fact that I am as of a couple of days ago now an angry person. Who the **** am I????? I hope soon we can both find ourselves again. I am thinking about going off the meds again. Just a bit slower this time. Idk if thats a good idea either.

Hey RB, just saw your post. (I've been a little erratic lately in keeping up.) It is disconcerting even just with the appearance part, yeah? That part I can relate to for sure. The last few years have had a lot of stress and it seems like it's collecting the toll in short order. I don't really recognize myself in those glancing views and actually, it's kind of disturbing. I'm pretty uncomfortable with it. On a lighter note, I'm growing my hair out (from very short) and it is a goofy looking stage, so I try to not even look!

On the identity part, I find I have those moments most often when I've really kind of just been pulled into situations by floating along and next thing I know, yeah, that "how did I get here?" hits. Like I let go of the rudder or something and didn't realize it. More often (for me) than identity, there are space and time things where I realize (actually, it's more accurate to say don't realize most of the time) I'm kind of in 2 places at once. My brain is one place and my body in another. But not like daydreaming. More like living outside or off-kilter from my reality. Kind of hard to explain. But it's been really pervasive the last couple of months. Which is eminently analzyable, but that is another story.

When you have these moments, do you find them more disturbing or perplexing? Or... disconcerting?

On the other thoughts... you know where I am on that -- you are well-loved, and I hope you always know that.

[sugahorse1]

You look pretty similar in the pics...