[bluemountains]

**Trigger Warning-sui. mentioned**




I am just back from seeing my t and my pdoc calls me every few days. For some reason, both believe I am having suicide ideation (is that the right word?)
Yes, I am depressed, yes, I have a lot of stress with the new job, yes, my mind goes there sometimes, yes, I am feeling pretty hopeless and helpless these days.
But I don't think I am on the brink of sui. It must be something I am saying to both that makes them believe this. I have been there before, and I am not in the mind frame to go there again.
I don't get all of this, but I am just about to say, screw it, and stop the meds, the visits, and the phone calls. I don't believe I am going to harm myself with or without them.
Bluemountains

[moremi]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

**Trigger Warning-sui. mentioned**




I am just back from seeing my t and my pdoc calls me every few days. For some reason, both believe I am having suicide ideation (is that the right word?)
Yes, I am depressed, yes, I have a lot of stress with the new job, yes, my mind goes there sometimes, yes, I am feeling pretty hopeless and helpless these days.
But I don't think I am on the brink of sui. It must be something I am saying to both that makes them believe this. I have been there before, and I am not in the mind frame to go there again.
I don't get all of this, but I am just about to say, screw it, and stop the meds, the visits, and the phone calls. I don't believe I am going to harm myself with or without them.
Bluemountains

I know what your saying. Only we know when we are there. There is that line we cross. We can be depressed, severely depressed and still not be suicidal. But then we can be barely depressed and just snap and be suicidal only we know when we are there. I think they just dont know or understand that. My doctor ask me at every single visit if I have been having suicidal or homicial thoughts. I always wonder why he asks about the homicial thoughts because I have never told him i have had them before. I have never even had anger issues until the last couple of days. I hope you continue to see your doctor, he is just trying to do his job. Trying to make sure you are safe. We all want that. I want you to start feeling better thats for sure even though I know your not sui I still want you out of that funk. Hugs Blue!!!!

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

**Trigger Warning-sui. mentioned**




I am just back from seeing my t and my pdoc calls me every few days. For some reason, both believe I am having suicide ideation (is that the right word?)
Yes, I am depressed, yes, I have a lot of stress with the new job, yes, my mind goes there sometimes, yes, I am feeling pretty hopeless and helpless these days.
But I don't think I am on the brink of sui. It must be something I am saying to both that makes them believe this. I have been there before, and I am not in the mind frame to go there again.
I don't get all of this, but I am just about to say, screw it, and stop the meds, the visits, and the phone calls. I don't believe I am going to harm myself with or without them.
Bluemountains

Hello bluemountains,

Wheter you are suicidal or not, your pdoc do well by asking you that because he surely cares about you.

You new jobs brings you some stress and you feel depressed, so it is more in a preventive way I think. If you like your job, it is a good start to feel better.

I wish you will not stop the meds and all that, because it would not be helpful for you, try just to trust your pdoc by taking meds and continue to do your job if you like it and then it will maybe help you.

Anyways, I wish you the best!

[faerie_moon_x]

Hmmm... that's odd, Blue. I don't know but they must be misinterpreting something. Maybe they are just on high alert or something?

[Trippin2.0]

Some docs just dont understand that we dont need a degree to understand our own minds or bodies... With me, gp's are surprized that I know the names of my bones or muscles. No stupid dr,I didnt memorize it to 'look' smart. I studied dance for 5yrs in HS and it stuck. I think psych docs are no different. Both my pdocs and T found it strange that I am so acutely introspective and 'aware'. Well,atleast they ended up respecting me for it, which also means they LISTENED. Wish they'd hear you too

[Victoria'smom]

They may be concerned because you're stressed, depressed, and started a new job. They may feel that all this stress with the depression will make you sui and are trying to head it off before it comes.

[BlueInanna]

I've had the idea that sui ideation is nowhere near as serious as being on the brink or planning sui...? The pdocs used to say that very casually, maybe I didn't understand what they were saying.

I think it's good to believe in yourself, like you are. Remember you're the client (patient), you may need to speak up for yourself and tell them straight out what you're feeling. Like, "I want to make sure you understand I have no plans for this, I'm just thinking about it sometimes". The point of a pdoc is to give you a dx and give you meds. A lot of it is up to us to tell them what we need. Like, "I need something more for anxiety, or depression, or sleep, or racing thoughts". They seem to respond well to, "Look, I need to sleep and be able to function during the day. This or that med is not working for me, I have read about this or that med and want to try it".

Sorry I'm prob going off tangent. I also have Moremi on my mind, and the pdoc not giving her what she feels would help her.

But bottom line, trust how you're feeling, you know best how you are feeling, if you're not in danger and you know it, tell them - they work for you. You pay, they work. That's how it should be in my mind.

[sugahorse1]

I get the feeling they really just care.

[bluemountains]

I agree that the caring and concern that I pay for is nice. I have great insurance, so I can afford all of the concern. I just wish I could pass on this wonderful bedside manner I get to some of my friends here who could really use it. There are real problems here of losing jobs, ineffective treatment, dealing with family, etc. Meanwhile, I am reaping benefits I don't need. I can live without sleep. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel once I get through these first few months of my job. I can deal with my son who is now "forgetting" to take his meds occasionally. I can be depressed, but still get through it all. I am strong with what I am dealing with because I know that I have friends here who are much stronger than me and dealing with much more.
Btw, as for meds, Blue, I don't get much for lack of sleep because I have addictive behaviors.

[BlueInanna]

Ughh yea, that sucks, what if you tell the doctor you'll have your husband hold onto the sleep meds? I'm really careful with my ambien, try to make a bottle last 3 months, because I know pdoc is always watching me for signs of abusing it. But managing sleep is such a huge part of managing bipolar. I wish you would get a med for that if you wanted one.
About your son, you may already do this, but try to talk to him often about the meds. Talk privately of course and ask about side effects, how he's feeling, how he feels about having to take the meds. Constant communication and caring, I know you know this. I just think about my past with my kids and things I would go back and do more of if I could. I did talk a lot with them, but even more talking would have helped more.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Ughh yea, that sucks, what if you tell the doctor you'll have your husband hold onto the sleep meds? I'm really careful with my ambien, try to make a bottle last 3 months, because I know pdoc is always watching me for signs of abusing it. But managing sleep is such a huge part of managing bipolar. I wish you would get a med for that if you wanted one.
About your son, you may already do this, but try to talk to him often about the meds. Talk privately of course and ask about side effects, how he's feeling, how he feels about having to take the meds. Constant communication and caring, I know you know this. I just think about my past with my kids and things I would go back and do more of if I could. I did talk a lot with them, but even more talking would have helped more.

Thanks, Blue. I really appreciate your advice Yes, I need to be more careful about managing my son's meds. He has been so responsible that I must admit, I have been a little bit lax on keeping an eye on him, but I know as he gets older he will want to be more independent and more defiant.
As for the sleep, my whole world revolves around it. I had a very bad day again yesterday, so I know that I need to call the pdoc to go over the meds etc. again. Sleep amounts equal sanity vs. insanity for me. It sucks having an addictive personality because that's where my irrational mind goes when I am super tired but wired.
I doubled up on the klonopin last night, not a big deal with pdoc as long as alcohol isn't involved, and slept a bit better. It has still been quite a sucky day, though. None of my technology works, back to the old pen and board (at least not a chalkboard!) method of teaching, and it isn't wise to turn your back on my class for too long. All of the technology people are too busy, so I will have no help until Friday. Oh well, all in a day's work.
Bluemountains

[BlueInanna]

Sorry it was a bad day. My pdoc is fine with me taking my 2 klonopins (1mg each) at bedtime. So I usually try to not take during the day and save for bedtime so I have a chance at sleep. It is true for me too, like you said, Sleep amounts equal sanity vs. insanity. It also equals basic functioning like getting to work, caring for my family. Lol about the chalkboard, good to find something to laugh about in times like these.

[hamster-bamster]

Bluemountains,

What I now take for sleep is Amitriptyline in low doses. It is a very, very old tricyclic AD. It is not addictive. Provided you take at least something for mania, you should be OK taking it. Ask if your doctor would be willing to let you try it. She may be surprised, because she may not have prescribed this medication in many years, but it is worth a try.

I also cannot function without enough sleep.

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Bluemountains,

What I now take for sleep is Amitriptyline in low doses. It is a very, very old tricyclic AD. It is not addictive. Provided you take at least something for mania, you should be OK taking it. Ask if your doctor would be willing to let you try it. She may be surprised, because she may not have prescribed this medication in many years, but it is worth a try.

I also cannot function without enough sleep.

Thank you, Hammie. If this is an old-school drug, then I doubt she prescribes it. My pdoc is young. I will mention the drug to her at my next appointment. The addictiveness of benzos is not a good since the effectiveness of the drug gradually has worn down for me.

[bluemountains]

Another awful day. I wasn't sure that I would make it to work this morning because I couldn't control the tears.
I finally figured out that calling the pdoc would be wise. I talked to her this afternoon. She adjusted my meds and asked that I come in tomorrow, but I can't go-same old story, work. I plan on trying to make it one afternoon next week.

Hamster. I didn't have the name of the drug when pdoc called back. I was in the car. I will make sure I have it on hand next week.
Bluemountains