It has been some time since I last posted on this site. In all honesty I really dont even know why Im even posting on here now. Maybe its due to being lonely and spending so much time alone lately w/ hardly anyone to talk to about my current diagnosis. Ive actually found that no one out side of having this illness (and disorders) understands. Not to mention even when they say, I completely understand you. They actually dont, cause they havent even come close touching the tip of the ice burg of understanding. Not unless they have it themselves.

I have known for some time now that I was bipolar. Just didnt know exactly how deep it ran into the illness. Now I know. Cant say that actually knowing helps though. About a month ago now I had been diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar w/ Psychotic tendencies. Along w. PTSD and Depression. I have been managing it by taking Fish Oil. Mind you, even with prescribed med's, everyone still has their Ups and Downs. They just arent so many of them. I too still have my Ups and Downs. Even have my Stressors which are still triggered at times.

This effects just about every aspect of my life now days. I cant have a relationship w/ a woman due to it. Been single now for nearly 6 years, pushing every woman who comes along away, as I feel this is just to hard of an illness to deal with, no one who should have to deal with it if they dont have to. At times It is even hard to leave my home, as I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

Whats messed up is I do this to myself. Even going to work, or to the store to get much needed food and supplies can be extremely trying at times. Often days, weeks, even months have been known to pass by before Im able to bring myself to go to the store.

I hadnt been to see a counselor in over a year before this diagnosis. Yet, I felt that something needed to happen. I feel Im living on the edge with my job. My boss had made it clearly apparent that my issues are indeed hard to deal with. While I dont feel he will fire me due to those issues. I fear he will one day soon lay me off due to lack of business. I went to my counselor seeking if they knew any type of career, or if they could help me find something I could do within my ability to work.

I have posted things of similar content in the past. And again, i really dont know why Im posting this now. Call it a outlet to ramble my thoughts on. .... As I was saying, I went to my current counselor to help see if they could help me find something. Told him I really really dont want to be homeless again, which I have been homeless 3 times now due to my illness, It is not a fun situation at all. Yet, with all the research and forums I continue to read trying to find some way to help myself. All I keep seeming to find is more and more info about how hopeless this illness can be.

Last year I went to a counselor center here in my home town, yet, ended up waiting over an hour and a half (very patiently mind you) in the lobby for my appointment. And as I sat there people came and went that had appointments after mine. No one bothered to tell me I would be seen soon. No one said a thing, so I got up and walked out. I am telling this because at the time I had come to the conclusion that this attempt I made was my last ditch effort to try and reach out for help.

I thought if I went into their office and explained what was going on, why I was there, and what kind of help I was seeking. They would indeed help me. However, I was sadly mistaken. Now, with this current counselor, all he seems to want to do is try to solve my problems. Which is nice to actually have a genuine counselor who actually wants to help for a change. However, with all he wants to do, with leveling out my Rapid Cycling Bipolar. He then wants to attack the PTSD and get that controled.

However, this all will take days, if not months to do. And not exactly what I was seeking in the first place. Only becoming more of a drain my money i have saved up to get me thru a few months of a hard winter coming. And coming very quickly I might add. I explained the urgency of seeking what I was there for. That if I was forced to be homeless again. I would much rather just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I already feel not only as a huge disappointment as a person, but also a burden on others and a extremely hopeless in my life

I apologize for this being so long, again, I just rambling on. Sorry if anything I say triggers anyone else. That was not my intent here. Regardless I hope everyone has a good day.

[Roukan]

Hello,

My name is Paul, I know how you feel in not wanting to take medication. I was the same way for a while. I too have bipolar disorder and now I take Zoloft that helps a lot with my depression. Medications have came along way in the last 10 years. Anyway, I am always looking for someone to chit-chat with, drop me a line sometime.

sorry you feel the way you do.

and welcome back to the forums

[MommaR]

Blue Casper, I hope you find something here that can help, whether its ppl that truly do understand or an outlet or resources. Just know you're not alone and things can change for the better

[Clinte89]

Sorry your having a rough go of it please hang in there, maybe go and apply for disability, or start looking for a new job or both. Just a thought. I hope you get feeling better soon.

Your right BlueCasper, it's incredibly hard to find someone who can actually understand what it is like to have this. People just think that BP is a disorder, that makes us happy then sad. No one really gets that it destroys us in all aspects of our lives and makes even the smallest thing completely unmanageable at times. That it can destroy us socially, emotionally, and due to stress physically too. it can make us physically sick.

I know that you don't need to hear this, but maybe i do right now, so thank you for listening lol

All we can do is keep trying and try to get better at our personal crisis mangagement really. it's a talent in and of itself, and I wish you the best at getting a grip on it.

Originally Posted by Roukan

Hello,

My name is Paul, I know how you feel in not wanting to take medication. I was the same way for a while. I too have bipolar disorder and now I take Zoloft that helps a lot with my depression. Medications have came along way in the last 10 years. Anyway, I am always looking for someone to chit-chat with, drop me a line sometime.

Hey! how are you?

[Anneinside]

If you want to get advice on selecting a career and getting a job then go to Vocational Rehabilitation. That is exactly what they do. Therapists don't work in this area, they work on helping you deal with your disability symptoms.

[Dymphna12]

Well, I will say I do know exactly what you're going through - and you're right, it's because I'm living with it, too (almost exactly the same diagnosis as you). It is incredibly difficult for people who don't live with this to know exactly how it is and how intensely it affects our lives.

I would say first, it may be a good idea to consider prescription medications. I know that is difficult, and you are right: we still have ups and downs with medication, but they are less severe once the right medication(s) is found.

As far as your unfortunate experiences with counselors, I am so sorry that that happened. I don't know if you live in a large city or not. Either way, in some cases, you can find pro-bono counselors (those who give free counseling so they can earn their Master's degree). Call around and ask. If you have the ability to pay for a counselor, please keep looking until you find the one that you are comfortable with and will give you the time of day. Like medication, this may take time, too. But I say this, as painful as this is right now, don't give up.

It will take time to find the right treatment and I know in as much pain as you must be in, you don't feel like you can stand waiting. Please, please try. You are not a disappointment, nor are you a burden. You have an illness. Like a physical illness, it needs to be treated. You may not see it now, but you are valuable and you deserve to live a happy life and you will find it one day. Just keep fighting! I know what you are going through. I am technically still homeless, but I have found the treatments that are working for me (though there may need to be some adjustments), and (slowly but surely) one step at a time, I am getting my life back together. If I can do it, I believe you can, too. Please, please, keep fighting!

Thank you all for reading my post. .... In all honesty though. I really could care less about finding a "good" counselor, or the "right" medication. Only thing I really want is to work. I have been a burden on just about everyone in my life since I can remember. I want to be independent and able to take care of myself.

Yet, with how this illness effects me, and with what my counselor has told me about my diagnosis. Yet, I feel with everything I have researched and read thus far. I believe my diagnosis goes even deeper than my counselor knows. I have only been to see him 3 times so far, so he really doesnt know the full effect of what I have been known to go thru on a day to day basis.

With what I have know about Rapid Cycling Bipolar. I believe that my illness is whats called Utradian Cycling. Where a person's moods can alternative back and forth, or all over the place, several times a day. Which definitely fits me to a T .

What I take to help is Fish Oils,which has helps me where nothing I have taken thus far has. Yet, like many other people still have down days on Dr. prescribed medications, I still have my own down days with taking fish oil. What I want most is a job, or a career that I can do within' my ability to work. Yet, I have no idea what types of jobs, or careers fit with how my illness effects me.

I have spent the last 6years pouring over all sorts of forums/ websites looking for suggestions, and helpful advice to this problem of mine. Yet, I have still no closer to finding an answer than I was 6years ago. I just feel utterly lost with this illness. I know I dont wish to be homeless, or a burden on anyone anymore.

I am tired of looking around at my old class mates/ or other people around my age that have, and are successful with what ever they are doing to make their life work for them. ....... I am rambling on now, I will close this out here as I have really nothing left to say about this that hasnt already been said before.

Take care all