I hate this. I hate this. ugh... i hate that I started talking about this. I hate that everyone now knows that I have a condition. I hate that my life is so restricted now. I hate that I can't escape this stigma with people. I hate that I can't have fun, feel so blah... I hate that I know that I'm getting depressed... I hate when I know i'm hypo, dysphoric and terrible hypo... I hate that I know this ****. I want to go back to not knowing and not caring. I want to go back to self medication.

It's what I want, not what I am going to do. I just hate this and I want so much. maybe so much more. like I used to have. when I was indestructable and nothing could get in my way. I want to go back to dreaming big without thinking it's just hypo. I want to be normal. I don't want to hate this but I do. It screws everything up. It makes me want to just quit, where as before I didn't have this excuse, i didn't have this crutch. I just had something I had to beat. but now there is a name and it's changed everything for me.

did it change things for you...too? I want the old me back. but I can never go off meds and this I know. it was terrible before. but it's terrible now. and now I have a name to it and it's just not just me. ugh.

I don't know why that matters but it does.

Do you ever hate yourself for this? I do. I really really do even though I try so hard not to. I don't want to see anything good for myslelf right now. ugh.

I am so full of hate it's not even funny. I just hate. it's who i am right now.

I hate that I hate.

I feel like I did when I was fourteen again. I hate that. trapped and not feeling any way out. ugh. i feel condemned to this life.

stupid huh. i know it's stupid, but stupid is what I am right now.

talk about coming out of no where. I should be at work right now.

i'm going to work right now.

i hate work.

i hate not working

do you feel a lot of hate too?

I just don't see a point. if this is it, if this is how life is going to go for me...

i think i'm going to throw up. seriously..

sorry to talk this way.
i am just full of it.
just had to get this out.
i hate this

I'm out. see ya later... I hate this.

[BlueInanna]

Yep, I hate it too. Hope you will feel better soon Dan.

And when I hate, I really hate that I hate. That wasn't part of the bargain that I came here / to this planet for. It's a nasty feeling. I usually just try to isolate until the hate dissipates and I can get calmed down. I know better, and I know I'm better than hating, but it happens.

Hang in there and wait for it to pass. Nasty emotions are like a tornado you gotta wait for it to pass and hope it doesn't destroy your house.

[~Christina]

I think feeling Hate is just part of Bipolar and just part of life at times. I often get the hate rage anger thing going on.. I do not like myself when it happens I tend to keep to myself when it happens and focus on the feeling of air entering my lungs. ( much more effective way to calm down, seriously)

My husband said he wants the "old me" back .. Wow that stung a bit. He now knows that I'm still here . I do feel that somehow I got "broken" ?? But lots of things get broken and repaired and come back in better shape.

Do you go from hypo to mania in a blink of the eye? If you dont flip right into mania why not just enjoy the hypo?

I honestly think alot of people (myself included) can become to obsessive with our moods. Yes we do need to do a "self check" at times.

I'm still learning my way and how I can have a great life despite having Bipolar and chronic pain. Some days I do better than other days.

Hope that helps

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

Do you go from hypo to mania in a blink of the eye? If you dont flip right into mania why not just enjoy the hypo?

I honestly think alot of people (myself included) can become to obsessive with our moods. Yes we do need to do a "self check" at times.

Sorry you're in a bad space right now, landskaperdan.

I can really relate to what you wrote, morethingswrong! Hypo is great...but mania gets me into a lot of trouble. It would be nice if hypo was a constant state...but being bipolar is a part of the deal.

I also agree that we can become obsessive about our moods. Even "normies" have their ups & downs. We shouldn't look to our BP to explain everything we feel. I hope that makes sense to you landskaperdan. It's a healthy perspective if you can maintain it.

[Victoria'smom]

Dan,
I hope your feeling better tonight.

only a little. maybe tomorrow. thanks.

[Confusedinomicon]

What prevents you from having fun? Are you afraid that you'll be considered hypo if people think you're "having fun" or "enjoying yourself"?

well Dan....expect this might sound nuts but so what!....I kinda wish I was in some full flight bipolar right now just so I could express myself better somehow for your benefit trusting I could easily belt out some psychotic words that made ridiculous sense !! ...if that makes any sense ?

for sure for sure

....instead I gotta rely on some flatlined ******** wishy washy half baked under-effort....but at least there is compassion holding it all together.

last night I was driving home and experienced the briefest moment of 'feeling' unaffected...as best as I can describe what 'normal' I imagined felt like??

....and in this brief moment I calmly and definitely "hated" this illness with undeniable clarity. Gotta tell you it kinda ruined my moment yep

I hated that it could toss me around through such super-ordinary extremes and there was bugger all I could do about it...

the deep bipolar mechanisms continue to deny me true understanding because I am within and without it's hostile and friendly existence....

you are not alone brother



(oh and Dan...I left some instructions for posting pictures in my 'silly" thread...)

[Anika.]

ok I want to say something about hate, but I don't want to make anyone upset. And I only want to say it, because I care about everyone who posted in this thread. And this isn't just some happy go lucky thing either. I used to have a LOT of hate in my life. Just my take on hate.

Hate is like poison to us, that's what I think. And the one we hurt most with hate in our brains or heart is ourselves. Obviously hate can hurt others but not like it hurts us. When you have hate is closes doors to other ideas, perspectives, feelings.Hate is not conductive to understanding. It's like a really huge vampire, it will suck every last drop of blood, energy, good feelings...right out of you. It does not make us feel good, it doesn't lend to contentment. Hate kills logic and reason.

I know people say all emotions are healthy, and I agree. But if you break hate down it It doesn't really seem like an emotion, emotions are temporary, hate is long lasting. It seems more like an attitude or disposition, part of our ego... (Freud put the ego state idea forth, so don;t just hate cause Freud said it )so one could argue how healthy it is. Hate takes up a lot of space, actually hate increases activity in certain parts of the brain while we are thinking about it. That space, energy, and activity could be used somewhere else. Hate isn't the same as anger, and if you think about hate as not an emotion, then we probably have more control over it then we think we do.

I am not trying to be all preachy or anything. Like I said I have had a lot of hate, but I know when I let go of it, it became a lot easier to make room for other stuff, easier to shift awareness, which makes changing your perspective easier. Life became a lot easier. That can be a really powerful key when trying to get through life. As I said it is not happy go lucky, it's just being aware of whats going on in there, and what you can or want to do with it.

I dunno, I just want you guys to all have some peace, that's all any of us wants. I hope maybe that can help a bit, it's just my opinion on hate in general. God knows we all have reason to have it, it's not that at all, just what it does to us inside .

[Anika.]

I tried and I thought of one good thing about hate, there is probably more. But if we never experienced hate we might not learn to forgive. So that's a bonus.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I hate this. I hate this. ugh... i hate that I started talking about this. I hate that everyone now knows that I have a condition. I hate that my life is so restricted now. I hate that I can't escape this stigma with people. I hate that I can't have fun, feel so blah... I hate that I know that I'm getting depressed... I hate when I know i'm hypo, dysphoric and terrible hypo... I hate that I know this ****. I want to go back to not knowing and not caring. I want to go back to self medication.

It's what I want, not what I am going to do. I just hate this and I want so much. maybe so much more. like I used to have. when I was indestructable and nothing could get in my way. I want to go back to dreaming big without thinking it's just hypo. I want to be normal. I don't want to hate this but I do. It screws everything up. It makes me want to just quit, where as before I didn't have this excuse, i didn't have this crutch. I just had something I had to beat. but now there is a name and it's changed everything for me.

did it change things for you...too? I want the old me back. but I can never go off meds and this I know. it was terrible before. but it's terrible now. and now I have a name to it and it's just not just me. ugh.

I don't know why that matters but it does.

Do you ever hate yourself for this? I do. I really really do even though I try so hard not to. I don't want to see anything good for myslelf right now. ugh.

I am so full of hate it's not even funny. I just hate. it's who i am right now.

I hate that I hate.

I could have written this post, almost word for word. (((((DAN)))))

I think I'm in a better place than you are at this moment in time, but sometimes I wish with all my heart that I could unring the bell and be who I was before my diagnosis. Ignorance really IS bliss, ya know? Even though I know the diagnosis itself didn't change me, being diagnosed was a game-changer, and life has never been the same since.

You have my sympathies, friend. Vent away, anytime you like.

[sugahorse1]

Hey Dan. I hope that when you log in again you are feeling better.
Hate is such a strong emotion and it really saps us of any remaining energy, after we've had to deal with being down, as it is.
I hope this doesn't last too long for you.
I am also hating BP at the moment, as it is so unpredictable. I really hear you.

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

What prevents you from having fun? Are you afraid that you'll be considered hypo if people think you're "having fun" or "enjoying yourself"?

it's rare that I actually try to have fun anymore. It's like it's just not in me anymore.

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

well Dan....expect this might sound nuts but so what!....I kinda wish I was in some full flight bipolar right now just so I could express myself better somehow for your benefit trusting I could easily belt out some psychotic words that made ridiculous sense !! ...if that makes any sense ?

for sure for sure

....instead I gotta rely on some flatlined ******** wishy washy half baked under-effort....but at least there is compassion holding it all together.

last night I was driving home and experienced the briefest moment of 'feeling' unaffected...as best as I can describe what 'normal' I imagined felt like??

....and in this brief moment I calmly and definitely "hated" this illness with undeniable clarity. Gotta tell you it kinda ruined my moment yep

I hated that it could toss me around through such super-ordinary extremes and there was bugger all I could do about it...

the deep bipolar mechanisms continue to deny me true understanding because I am within and without it's hostile and friendly existence....

you are not alone brother



(oh and Dan...I left some instructions for posting pictures in my 'silly" thread...)

I am really excited for you... that you are not in an episode! I'm hoping that it lasts for you for a long, long time!