[wadingthruemotions]

I am not fully sure of the total reason I am posting this other than to see if anything resonates with anyone else, any stories you want to share, etc.

Maybe just to get this out so I don't keep running through stuff over and over in my head.

I have been very rough lately. I have been having major headaches for couple months now (working on this with Dr). I am also very, very moody all the time. I am getting increasingly more and more angry by the day. I snap at people at work even though I know I shouldn't and should take a rest or something to blow it off before answering.

I used to be able to do that, at least for a few years now. I used to have major problems previously as well.

I have made very bad decisions that I now regret. I am scared of losing the things I have, my husband and well myself, though I am not really sure how I can lose something like myself when I feel like I never really knew or now know what that is.

I am on meds (pristiq, abilify again, lunestra and imitrex. klonopin has been reduced to nothing so haven't had that in weeks).

I feel worthless, useless and pathetic. I hate myself for all that I am, do and am not equally. I beat myself up daily. I feel like I can't do anything right. I procrastinate all day long, mostly with work and it is affecting my job at this point.
I really hate all this. I am calm now which is odd and eerie as I am never this way at all.

I have nightmares about losing my life and everything I have before that. I then start to feel like maybe that should happen as that is the only thing that will truly end all this (no i am not talking suicide just thoughts running around).

I feel like I don't know what to do anymore about any of this. I am impulsive, love spending money, love doing immoral things and at times, not so legal things as well.

It doesn't bother me at the time, then comes like a rush of anger and hatred at myself when I look at what I really am doing daily.

I know this is long and all, sorry. I don't know, just rambling I guess. Thanks for whomever reads this for taking the time.

Back to being miserable old fat me. (oh and i binge eat like crazy)

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ you're really struggling,aren't you!

I'm glad you're working with your doctor about your headaches. I wish I could help you as to the cause of that. I pray they aren't migraines, as I'd hate to have you sentenced to a life of migraines!

As for the rest, you are certainly severely depressed, and i hope you have visited our Depression forum. The people there would certainly understand what you're going thru and what has been happening as far as your moods, etc. However, I do urge you to see a therapist as soon as possible! I do think it would benefit you GREATLY and help you to understand why your thoughts are as they are, and why you overspend, and like doing immoral things!

So talk to your medical doctor -- he can refer you to a good therapist. As i said, therapy is what you need at this point and it really DOES WORK. I wish you the very best -- God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[wadingthruemotions]

yes they are migraines, two different kinds, oh joyous hell.

So I've been depressed before, like clinically depressed few years ago. That is so different than this. I don't cry and I don't feel sad per se. Irritable, angry and all but not really sad.

Not saying it isn't just I think there are way more things to it than that.

I have ups and downs just not so much on the ups or non irritable angry times these days.

I am sure there is more I could write but not sure. Anyways. Thank you for replying. There's like 70 plus peeps viewing and just yours. Wow

[faerie_moon_x]

You are definately having a hard time. I have a feeling you might be mixed, depressed and manic together. I have a lot of mixed episodes. They are horrible, feels horrible. I would rather be just depressed than mixed. It's much more exploxive and harder to cope. I'm also and ultra-rapid cycler and I have dysphoric mania instead of euphoric.

I'm glad you're working with your doctor on all of this. Are you also seeing a therapist? Maybe talking it out would help. When I've been able to see a therapist I find it's very helpful.

I hope things start to look up for you soon.

In my view, you need to get all of this out in the open with your psychiatrist or therapist.
These things just need to be swept from your mind so that you are able to function in
a reasonable and healthy way.

Therapy is the way to go, I feel. If you can find a caring and compassionate therapist
to help you along the way, you'll be much better for having initiated that help.

Can you imagine having a psychiatrist who is certified in acupuncture who would
say to you "I'm going to walk with you all the way through this"? That happened to
one here who needed help, and I feel sure she is very happy to have found someone
who is concerned about her medications and her care in such a compassionate way.

Please make that appointment to get the help you need. You will never regret it
and your life will be much more content--even the migraines may leave--they could
be caused by stress.

[bipolarOne79]

Hope you get to feeling better soon. Wow so much of what you say reminds me of how I have felt. I deal with all these emotions as well. So you are definitely not alone in how you feel. Hopefully that can help make you feel just a tad bit better. Take care.
John

[pink&grey]

A lot of this resonates with me. I haven't figured out the answer yet, but just keep trying. And I'll say that for me it's different than past episodes and that makes it more stressful. Keep trying with the meds, talk it out and rest as much as you can. Hugs!

[wadingthruemotions]

I have a wonderful psychiatrist. I do not have a therapist per se .

As long as i adhere to her rules I can text her and have. Seems I may be having a mixed episode, or just a really bad rapid cycle, or both, UGH

I have never ever had one of these before. I would so remember this. I tried to eat because I feel hungry but the taste of food is making me feel ill. Odd. So I am drinking a lot and will nibble here or there I guess. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just never had it happen before. I could use to los a few, let me tell you.

I am stuttering, I have forgotten simple words or not forgotten but can't get them out. I am exaggerating things a bit but at the same time feel immense pressure.

Wow I don't like this, this sucks and go away.

I will think about a therapist but will talk to my shrink first. I have tried therapy before. Once it worked, others not so much and just made a few things way worse.

Did I mention this sucks. Probably, anyway, for those who mentioned mixed episodes, how long do they last for you? Just curious. My shrink said since this is the first one I have had from what it seems that there is no telling how long it will last. She is going to keep tabs on me through the weekend and we will go from there.

UGH Damn this to hell.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think the main thing about therpists is you have to find one that you feel comfortable with. Otherwise, it doesn't work out. I know the best therapist I had was a psychologist. She was excellent because she understood bipolar and wasn't one of those "happy puppy rainbow" people who think if you just think happy thoughts everything goes away.

Take care of yourself and hang in there. The thing about bipolar we can out on is the cycle always shifts, we just don't know when.

Mixed episodes are nearly constant for me. It's hard to say because I cycle so rapidly. But, I always seem to be in a more-or-less mixed state. Explosive episodes usually only last a few hours, though.

[Mahai]

You could be my son talking. All the things you are experiencing, he experienced. He too talked about the headaches, the sore muscles, the stuttering, the loss of words, the irritability. He did not reach out for help, did not access his health plan, did not disclose how he was feeling, He left it too late and he 'broke down' totally in December. Now he is literally at the bottom and searching for a way up. Please my dear, reach out now and let people know how you are feeling before you have reached saturation level.

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by Mahai

You could be my son talking. All the things you are experiencing, he experienced. He too talked about the headaches, the sore muscles, the stuttering, the loss of words, the irritability. He did not reach out for help, did not access his health plan, did not disclose how he was feeling, He left it too late and he 'broke down' totally in December. Now he is literally at the bottom and searching for a way up. Please my dear, reach out now and let people know how you are feeling before you have reached saturation level.

Thank you for this. I am actually not bad today. It's like I woke up a different person all together mood wise. I know it won't last. I have already reached out to shrink. I will talk to her physically when she is back in the office Tuesday. If it gets worse until then I can reach out via cell phone if needed. I am on meds and I think the addition of abilify again is helping, or at least I am hoping it is.

I can at least see what it is and now know it is the illness and not me being necessarily crazy. I am glad I found this site when I did as I am sure if i had not a clue about any of this I would not be doing so good so to speak in terms of dealing.

Thank you

[wadingthruemotions]

And now today I feel rundown, tired, achy.

I haven't been sleeping again even with the Lunesta and doing things during the day to make me sleepy.

Grrrr.

[Millenium]

Hi wadingthrouemotions,

maybe you have some vitamin or mineral deficiency as many of your symptoms are physical ones? Or one or several of the meds cause these side-effects?

I don't know specifically about your meds, but, for example, the mood stabilizer valproic acid, which is used for people with mixed states and rapid cycling, lowers the levels of B vitamines, calcium, vitamin D3 and carnitine (a vitaminoid). Lack of vit. D3 can cause depression, some of the vit. B complex is important for healthy nerves, and lack of carnitine can cause muscle weakness. So if one takes valproic acid one has to keep this in mind if symptoms come up or get vit. and mineral levels checked regularly, unfortunately in my country it's not written in the patient information leaflet. (I take valproic acid and was diagnosed with pronounced vit. D3 deficiency a couple of weeks ago, part of it comes from the valproic acid I think and the other part from the lack of spring so I did not go out in the sun much).

Otherwise, as you seem to have mixed states or ultra rapid cycling or something like that, valproic acid is a nice drug for this, and it also has the known side-effect to be a good drug against certain types of migraine, also prevents from migraine attacks so it might be a good alternative for you .

If I were you, I'd get the vit. and mineral levels of your body checked, it might play a role in what you are experiencing right now on top of the mixed/cycling problems you have, and then look with the doctor if one or several of your drugs might play a role in it.