[BlackPup]

Every now and then I have another freak out about how I've got this BP gig for the rest of my life. I'm stable now so I shouldn't be complaining but I feel trapped by the life long meds, appointments, constant vigilance of moods.
I worry about the future - what if I relapse, what if I can't be a good mum and wife. What if I can't work again. What does a life with bp look like? Is it even worth going on?
Does anyone have any answers?
Do any of you feel the same?

[Faraway tree]

Originally Posted by BlackPup

Every now and then I have another freak out about how I've got this BP gig for the rest of my life. I'm stable now so I shouldn't be complaining but I feel trapped by the life long meds, appointments, constant vigilance of moods.
I worry about the future - what if I relapse, what if I can't be a good mum and wife. What if I can't work again. What does a life with bp look like? Is it even worth going on?
Does anyone have any answers?
Do any of you feel the same?

I feel this way all the time.

I dont have any answers though, I just try not to think about it, take the meds and think of it just as today. Big picture is too big and sad and scary. Today is ok. I can accept today.

As for is it worth going on? I try not to think about that either. I just hope it will be better.

[moodiegirl]

I often worry too, and when I have to take my meds I often get angry at the thought that this might be for life. But then if I really think about it, people have all kinds of illnesses they have to live with, and if they can do it hey I can, too! My mum has just recovered from cancer and keeps worrying whether it'll come back - unfortunately you never know, the same goes for relapse. You can only do the best you can each day and avoid trouble - by that I mean triggers and situations that could make you relapse.

I'm sure you'll be a good mum, I can see from your posts that you're a kind, supportive person and I know you will do your best! But I understand your concern, my husband and I are considering having a baby soon as well, and that brings a whole lot of worries. I know that I will love my babies when they come and do all I can for them - I believe it's the same for you. And congratulations on expecting! (I read a few of your previous posts.) And about work, it shouldn't define us I think. You will find your way no matter what, I'm sure.

It is worth going on, of that I am sure, even when I'm at my worst!

[liviacat]

Thank you for posting this - I worry too. All the time. And I also feel constrained by appointments and meds and moods... It can be quite suffocating at times. But, it's like moodiegirl mentions, others have lifelong illnesses to deal with, some far worse than ours, and they find the strength to deal successfully - why can't we? Of course some days are going to be more challenging than others, but I think that's true for anyone, sick or not. We just have to stay vigilant and stay strong with each other - that's why we're here! Keep posting and let us know how we can help you!

[venusss]

One episode is not the end of the world... try to remember that. It eventually ends... so why cloud your thinking about it, while you are fine? That is sorta... recipe for disaster...

and as for forever? Yeah, our quirk is forever. Does it mean meds forever, if it makes you uncomfortable? That is completely different question.

(though i heard that sometimes it eases up as we get older. Or maybe we just become more comfortable in our skins).

[nannywoofwoof]

Hi
I agree with all of the above posts. I do believe it gets easier as we get older, it has for me anyway. I am 47 now, and med free. I am still me, but I can handle that. Over last 3 years I just seem to have got a handle on who I am, and accepted it.
YES, yes and yes, it is worth going on. You have a family, and you need to be there for them as you don't know what life will through their way yet. They love you.
My mother tood an overdose when I was pregnant with my 3rd child. She was saved, just, and after she told me that she had nothing to live for. That froze me to the bone. Was I, and my children nothing?
No matter how bad things may at times appear, you must alwys remember how much you are needed.
Good luck and I hope you find the strength and support you need here.

[BipolaRNurse]

I feel the same way, Black Pup, and the more answers I find, the more questions arise. I went along for 53 years thinking I was just a little 'off', eccentric in some ways and prone to emotional extremes. The bipolar diagnosis changed EVERYTHING---I wasn't 'quirky', I was mentally ill, and suddenly I was thrown into a world of medications, mood charts, frequent doctor visits. It was overwhelming....even now, I still struggle with the idea that I will never be rid of this. I'm used to taking a pill or a shot and whatever sickness I have goes away in a few days; now that I'm actually functioning better, I'm realizing that to maintain it I will have to stay medicated for the rest of my life. At least I'm older and not looking ahead 40 or 50 years....I think that would be harder.

[Anika.]

I actually don't know that it's forever. I used to think it was,I felt so much like you just described, and my opinion is obviously way off the radar on this now. I actually do think there is room in bipolar for healing. Maybe a piece of it will always be with me, but I honestly feel like the worst is behind me. The bipolarness I have had to deal with now.. does not really look like bipolar anymore. It's too mild, too short lived to be considered episodes, so infrequent compared to before. And I have every intention of keeping it that way.

If everything I have done has got me to this good point, then if I continue to work at my life and grow I don't think I will have to go back to that place. There have been times I could have went back to where I was at with this, but something has changed. I know people don't agree with mind over matter ideas, or this biological and nothing can be done to change it, but from my experience I just can't see that for me. Then there is neuroplasticity, which I think does support the idea that it can change. This is all just my opinion from my own experience.

I don't doubt you will be a good mom Blackpup, try not to let bipolar take that away from you. I have seen lots of not so great parents who are free from any dx. Mental illness doesn't dictate whether you will be a good mom or wife.

moodygirl, that's great to hear about your mom.

hope she'll stay well

as for the thread in question.. i enjoy with what's been said, yeah... i think we all worry- but this is not the worst thing in the world.

their are people with much worse conditions than us

[~Christina]

I have learned to not let the "What if's" take away from "my life"

[polar_bear1]

BlackPup, I feel the same way...same worries...
But that doesn´t get me any answers anyway.
The mom-role is so important to me, it tops everything else and causes the most worries.
Getting some kind of work also bothers me...
Thinking about the future only gets me worried and depressed so I keep on going on a day by day rule. Only one day at a time, that´s the only thing we can control...at least a bit.
Take care.

[BlackPup]

I wrote a big long post replying to each of you but my computer ate it.... so this one will be shorter!!!!
Thanks to everyone that replied. It mean alot to me that I'm not alone in this. to all who feel the same sometimes, I hope we can continue to support each other

Thanks for all the great advice. I really needed a bit of a kick up the butt to stop wasting the good times worrying about the possibility of bad times and to take things one day at a time.
It's also a really good point to remember that there are always people less fortunate than us so thanks to those who pointed that out.
I'm feeling much more positive about life now so Thanks for all who contributed