Time to Face Bipolar Possibility

I'm not familiar with the bipolar section of PC. I've always thought of myself as prone to being depressed. My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent, moderate (with anxiety.)

This past Friday, I was in what can only be described as some sort of mania, though I would call it hypomania. I have never been delusional, or thought I was God, or anything like that. That's my understanding of mania . . . probably not a very informed understanding. I have had lots and lots of experience with this mini-mania thing. It's not all that minor, though. Also, I've been prone, under stress, to become a person who is impossible to deal with. It is humiliating . . . in the aftermath. It has made me believe that I have a personality disorder . . . and even ask to be diagnosed with PD NOS.

After being on top of the world Friday evening, I have, today, descended to the depths of abject miserableness. I can explain it all, of course. I had a reason to be up and that thing I was all happy about didn't pan out, and so it's only logical that I'm all down, today. It's always logical . . . to me. Years of this has got me to where I am extremely distressed, and I can see that there is something unreasonable about my whole frame of mind.

In reading some threads in this area, I've read things that resonate with me. I will try to follow this forum more and see if I gain any understanding.

I've been tried on every kind of drug there is. Lamictal doesn't help at all. I can't tolerate Lithium. Seroquel didn't help.

Tricyclic antidepressants have helped relieve depression. I always go back to amitriptyline. Mainly, it helps me sleep and not feel as tired in the daytime. Just the same, I go in and out of pretty awful depression.

The hypomania (if that's what it was) on Friday eve made me unable to focus on anything but excited thoughts for hours. That happens to me a lot and getting worse. It does give some relief from depression.

Today, I've been awful depressed. I don't mind having the "excited" episodes. All I want is relief from disabling depression. It is awful. Maybe learning about bipolar problems could help me understand what is wrong with me.

Rose I am sorry you are struggling with all that! Just know we are happy to have you stick around with is for a while, or for a long time. It really can be confusing, there is nothing clearcut about bipolar that is forsure, all over the map and individual.

Ask any questions you want, the bipolar forum is very welcoming like the rest of PC. Nice to see you again tho. I hope you can get the info you need to sort it all out and yourself well. I do beleive there is always a way to getting well, tricky to find it. Very worth it tho.

Hi Rose,

I do believe you may be suffering from bipolar, (from what you describe, but I am no doctor). I have suffered with bipolar for many years not knowing what it was. I thought it was just depression because lets face it I spent nearly three years in my room, literally, with the door closed. I don't even remember going outside during that time, that's how bad my depression was.

Then the mania hit, and it wasn't like being god or anything, just staying up all night on the computer and spending lots of money and drinking. ALOT. The believing I was talking to Jesus and I was a witch came AFTER I took antidepressants which sent me on a tailspin to a whole different reality. The thing is it was the pills that sent me over the edge. I never heard voices like that until I took them.

So. keep visiting the bipolar forum and have another talk with your doctor and T about what you are feeling so maybe they can adjust your medication. Seroquel and Lithium didn't help me at all. One made me fat the other made me a zombie. I am on a balance of Haldol for the thoughts and Ambien for the sleep. You just need the right dosage of the right medication. Good luck and please do keep us posted

Yeah it sounds like BP II. But check with a pdoc of course.

I have never had any grandiose thought at least not the types I have read about. I could not tolerate lithium and lamictal did not work for me. I am on seroquel but that does not control my mood swing i have horrible insomnia so it is more for that. Seroquel does suck in the fact that the urge for sweets is very strong. if i cheat at all i gain weight i gained 3 pounds over the few days around christmas. i have to watch everything that goes in my mouth. i keep it under 1600 calories i should be losing weight but that does not happen. I am currently trying tegretol which is an anti seizure medication like lamictal but is supposed to be better and moodiness similar to lithium.

Hi Rose,

Well, it seems you have mania and psychosis mixed up. Mania is elevated mood often euphoric but also can be dysforic (which can also be called mixed mania or active depression.) Basically, mania is racing thoughts, pressured speech, risk taking behavior, lack of sleep yet not feeling tired, and elevated sense of self (which is grandios thinking,) but it doesn't necessarily mean thinking you're God or whatever. But it is like when you're depressed you think you can't do anything, and when you're manic you think you can to everything! And it will be awesome!

Psychosis can happen but isn't something that happens for everyone with bipolar.

bp to me is so much more.
even taking away the ups and downs...
it leaves me in constant battle with myself....
it destroys me even when i am stable...
it takes my emotions and twists them painfully....
mental illness....
ha.....
more like a life illness...
i am allergic to life maybe....
lol.....
juust venting

Thank you all above for posting on my thread. I've gotten such diverse diagnoses from different doctors over the years. One doctor (pscychiatrist) whom I saw for 6 years got turned off when I blew up at him once. He immediately said, "I do think you're bipolar." Then I never saw him again - his choice, not mine. The feeling of rejection was awful.

Recently, I've gotten really upset with my current pdoc. Losing control like that feels horrendous. Since before Christmas, mood swings have gotten awful. I consider suicide every day. I have no history of any attempt. I have only a few hospitalizations for very short term. The last time was a year ago for about 36 hours. I don't think that I would ever go in again.

I've just been taken in at a PsychoSocial program. I really don't like being there, and I may not go back. I don't find it supportive in any way. Most of the time, I am alone in my apartment. I spend a lot of the day resting with my head propped up because I have chronic neck pain. That started about a year ago and seems to be driving a lot of my depression. Mainly, I watch TV or read. Most of the time I am in my recliner to support my head. Walking causes pain in my right foot, which is seriously arthritic and has an inflammed nerve.

I begged to go into a psycho-social program. Now that I've gone to it, I hate it and have stopped going. I felt it was my last hope. That's what I got all excited about and was so happy over the weekend about. When the reality of being there sunk in, I became extremely despondent. I have one friend, but I don't want to stress him out, as he is elderly and in failing health. I have one family member who lives nearby. He is very difficult to be around. He has an extensive criminal history. I don't.

I say to myself - just wait . . . the mood will change. I was on Ritalin for awhile, but not any longer. I think it fed into me getting hypomanic. I would talk to myself for hours. Without it, though, I'm having trouble waking up in the morning.

I'm tapering down on Temazepam (benzo sleeper) because I'm really only taking it just because I got habituated to it. I can skip it for days with no problem. I sleep okay without it. After a week without it, though, I have withdrawal symptoms. I've been through benzo withdrawal symptoms in the past and fear that very much. My PCP won't prescribe pain medication for me, until I get off the sleeping pill. So I avoid doing anything that will bring on pain. I basically avoid doing anything.

I feel I've alienated my PCP and my psychiatrist. Where I go for my healthcare is not a very good place, but I have no alternative. I have no therapist and don't want one. It just gets me more upset. I feel hopeless. Most of my life I worked, and I think that kept me from going insane. Now I collect disability and I am becoming more and more unwell. I don't feel well enough physically or mentally to work even part time.

Today I can't even stand for the television to be on. This morning, the sound of traffic in the street going past my front door felt very stressful. I truly wish I didn't have to go on living, but I don't believe I am any imminent danger to myself. I've felt as bad as this before and have gotten over it.

Hi Rose. I didn't want to face a bipolar diagnosis. I thought I was depressed and anxious as well. Now it seems I do have bipolar. I thought hypomania was some rage or delusions of grandeur. For me it's racing thoughts, OCD, and anxiety galore. I've learned there is no mold. Of course it's best to check with your doctor, but feel free to ask questions and explore this forum. All the best to you Rose. And welcome.