I think I might be getting Manic

Those of you who know me,know I just buried my only child.
Yesterday was the first day after the funeral. I never go dressed. I saw my PDOC early in the morning (in my pajamas). I started the day crying nonstop. My PDOC was useless.

When I got home something switched. I became energized. I started a group on Meetup.com called Taking Action Against Heroin in DELCO. I started calling all these people. The DA's office. The local paper. The person who wrote the article on heroin in the paper on the same day they had my son's obituary. The police to see if they could get fingerprints on the heroin bags. I became and I am agitated that no one called back yet.

I got up at 2:30 am this morning. My mind is racing. I feel agitated and restless.
I don't know why I can't cry now.

I thought if anything I would fall in a deep depression. But instead I feel myself
Switching into Mania.

I was thinking of you yesterday Speed3. I was remembering you were burying your only child, Jason. I was wondering how you were faring. I don't know a lot about mania, but I do know that some people do deal with grief by going into 'action' mode. It makes them feel like they are doing something constructive. Mind you, your thoughts are racing and you are not sleeping. I think it would be difficult to relax at this time too. Perhaps you are hypomanic. I'm sorry your pdoc was useless to you. What do you feel would be helpful to you at this time?? Probably nothing, but if anything, do let us know. I got a notice in my e-mail from the funeral home that my candle for Jason was lit. I got four notices so maybe they lit four candles for me!! You remain in my thoughts. It will be the toughest time for you now as everyone else goes back to 'normal', but you will most certainly not. We are here for you.

Thank you for lighting the candle or candles I will look
It is hard to know if this energy, ect is normal grief reactions or activation of
Hypomania. I can't believe my PDOC kept closing his eyes like he was sleeping when I was pouring my heart out about some guilt I feel over Jason's death. Feelings my husband and family won't let me talk about because they feel it is destructive.

You are right now after the funeral everyone goes their separate ways, and I feel so alone with these mixed up feelings.

My husband has a lot of friends and his work. I don't have either.

I got in my car this morning around 5:00 am, in my pajamas, I have an angel statue I want to put on Jason's grave. My husband woke up and came and pulled the keys out of the car. He thinks I am headed for a trip to the hospital.

Maybe I just have a different timetable?

I don't know, Speed, but I think this is all part of the grieving process. First thing I'd do is get another psychiatrist! Then, I'd stay with the search for the seller of the
heroin your son had; that may continue to keep you strong until the grief assuages a little.

It's beneficial to society to get the thug who was selling the heroin. And I hope that it won't place your life in jeopardy by trying to find him.

The FBI may step in to help. Call them if necessary.

I don't think you're headed for the hospital at all. You're so strong and so
ratonal.

keep praying; we'll keep praying for your peace of mind, too.

Take care.

Hugs, speed. What more can I say?

((((((Speed))))))

What you're experiencing is quite common, I've heard.......it's called "funeral mania". Instead of plunging into a depression (as most people would expect), the affected person becomes manic. Of course, the depression does come, but often not till the mania has done a lot of damage.

Blessings to you, loving mother. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending you gentle hugs and blessings. You and your family are in my prayers.

Dear one,

Separation is difficult with you just now. Yes, this is a time to reflect on Jason and how his life and love touched you, his dad and friends. This loss has caused a deep hallow in your heart and with this emotions will flare as the memory of him is still new and always will be fresh in your heart, which is where your thoughts are now; but common sense is weakened by your emotional crisis. I feel for you and deeply understand your need to make a move and correct his death. I understand how you want to do something. Yet, you will be tempted to take action in order to fix what has happened, or make it fit just right in your mind; this is to you a type of justice for Jason's death, so to speak; however this is not a good time for you to make these type of choices.

I recommend that you follow your husband's lead at this time, and do as he instructs. And lean on his arm for support and strength to get pass the next few months of grief. When you feel the need to show devotion to Jason, do so by starting a personal journal and write out your detailed feelings and plans for a future plan of action; another helpful idea is to start a memory box of Jason's most important and favorite things; and there are many other options to distract you from sorrow and help you to feel nearer to his spirit and useful to his memory, and express your everlasting love and care as a mother, which you are still a mother no matter what.

It is not, I repeat, not important that you should take upon you any major causes to stop or correct any matter connected to Jason or his loss just now. I hope that you can understand. I don't want you to hurt any more than now. And I am not saying that in the future, as you are feeling stronger and better with your emotions, that this is not a good idea for you to take a personal stand against addictions or drug abuse. I can see where this act would do much good for those still living with addiction. I'm only reminding you that this is not normal and natural behavior for you at the time, nor should you feel responsible to become highly motivated to take on actions in order to fix or relieve your disappointment with his death right at the moment. However, if you don't take special time to relax, or try to relax, you will cause your health to go down even further and your emotional moods will not stay stable or balanced; this can cause a problem with reaching you for the good of helping you through the process of healthy grieving. Grieving is a process that takes great mental and emotional discipline and one who is skilled to help you cope with death. When doctors are not doing anything that you perceive is helping you to cope, or if their methods of treatment are not helping you or getting through to you, find a different approach to the matter; if you need to, call on clergy or a skilled spiritualist who is familiar with the process of grief to help you. And, perhaps, contacting your doctor for an evaluation of your medicines will help you to cope as well. My best to you and your family.

Tabby

(((Speed))) I think the group you started will be helpful to you and others. Sounds like a good way to keep busy. Makes sense to me what the others have said it being part of the grieving process. But just do what you can to get nightly sleep and remember to eat and drink water. The angel sounds wonderful, just be careful and maybe not best idea to go to the cemetery alone in the dark. Much love.

Hi Tabby,
Yes maybe it isn't the time to jump full speed into my group. But it is out there for people to see and join. I don't have a start date for the first meeting yet. I will wait. I have started to gather things for a memory box. I thought about the journal and I will do it. Right now every time I think about writing about Jason it feels like the breathe gets sucked right out of me.
My husband is my rock right now. He is taking some family leave from work. We are going to join a grief support group.

Our Minister the day of the funeral was walking back from the grave site and tripped himself on his robe. He tore a ligament and had outpatient surgery on Friday. I don't want to call him just yet. He needs time to heal.

It is 6:00 am Sunday. I got up at 4:00 am. Today I feel like a ragdoll. So limp and lifeless. I feel almost totally shut down. I feel like all this is a dream I will wake up from.

You're still very rational. That's good, and we need to continue prayers for your strength. Tomorrow is Monday here so maybe you will be able
to get back into your efforts to find the dealers of heroin who really are
responsible for what happened.

Prayer going up now for the anger to leave and to have you feel calm
and know you did all you could when it was called for.

Take care.

I don't know you, but I do understand the shock that you are in. I think a normal brain 'shuts down' in certain ways to protect itself (and its owner) from things that 'hit' on so many levels it can't be fully grasped. It is literally like being punched, or suffering a blow to the head. If you haven't already, get w/ a medical doctor right away. I lost two very dear to me, starting last December, and as a person I could feel my full range of emotions (not moods) over the loss, while simultaneously struggling w/ my 'shocked' appliance (brain). Prayers w/ you on this journey, that you network into the quality care (on all levels) you were made for. Peace.

Could have done with a trigger warning

I'm so sorry for your loss xxxxxx