talking to myself

I guess this is a topic that can set people off. Sorry to do that.

I just needed a place to try and figure out what is right and what is wrong.
I've been this way since a young child.... I have learned to get by.
but now I think... how much of that learning is the wrong way to be?

I am like a stone. I don't cry even when I am dying inside.
I don't show happiness... even when I am excited... at least not very much.

no one can tell how I am feeling cuz I have learned to be this way.
No one will ever know just how horrible it is for me by looking or being around me. they never will either, unless I tell them.

but I do a good job. doubt they would believe me. but that has always been the point, right? getting by like the normal people? I do an excellent job at it.

but on here I get to be me. and the real me does cry and shows hurt. just when I am alone though.

but things are reeally bad for me. like, really bad and that has been my life, medicated and not.

all the medications do for me is help me see it more clearly exactly how wrong I am. they do let me step outside of it but they will never take it away.

I am confused cuz I do have a plan for sui. and I always have. I learned from my first attempt when I was fourteen.

but it's just a plan and only today I have questioned the validity of always having one.

I am questioning a lot of things....
like my tendancy to cut....... it doesn't ever seem like a big deal... but instead it's always just been something that I do when i can keep it to myself.

having a wife keeps it under control so she does not notice, but without that limitation I would happily go farther.

my self hate just fuels the self harm. I am very constructive when it comes to abusing myself.

but that has never been a big deal... and now i'm questioning it.

I have gauged myself. If 0 was no self destructive behavior and 10 was completely suicidal.... I am constantly between and five and six.

not enough to actually do anything about, but always there. I ignore it. work around it. rationalize and fantasize alot.... but those are just work arounds. it's always there if I look and I have learned not to look too much.

honestly, i do look on purpose when I am feeling self destructive, and it just fuels the fire.

I wonder if meds can actually change the way a person thinks. I wish there was a med that can do that.

seems to me after reading my rant... that i need to deal with the self hate.

that's the advice I would give someone if they wrote everything above.

but how does one do that? that's my drive and my existance it seems lol.

i would become a different person. I would cry a lot and I would become weak in a sense......

I'm not sure I can exist that way. every cell in my body tells me to be strong and fight, never let up and never back down.

to finally relax and just let myself be seems like a death sentence.

I am 34 now... so I have had 25 years of coping skills and techniques under my belt. not one of them is to be myself.

I run away from the idea of being vulnerable. I would prolly start cutting feriously if I did that. but I'm not cutting now. hmmmm....

I can mask and cover up almost all of my symptoms.....

would it really be wise to try and heal and not cover them up?

i'm confused now. what should I do? I am Dan! I can do anything... almost lol.

maybe I'm just scared to find out what would really be there if I was to stop these coping skills.....

a coward? me? ha! but it sure sounds that way.

oh well... well that's where I am at. a constant five or six.

not a fun way to live.

well, i got it out again this morning. now I am fine. I am great. just ask anyone that knows me. they will all tell you that I don't have these problems. they would say, "Not Dan, no way!" ha! I am good at what I do. proud of it actually.

what other choice do I have?
choose to not cope?
be vulnerable?

to not cope would be hell. coping is hell too.

ugh....

see, this is what I am talking about. No light at the end of the tunnel. not for me. just more of this. the end of the tunnel is as bleak as the beginning. the light just shows me that when I look through it. lol.

it's this thinking that pulls me into a seven... but I rarely go past that.

I did the other day though, talking to James. Man.... i didn't know what I was going to do.

but in times like that, I get desperate and that desperation is a powerful thing. it can pull me back into the normal zone and out of the danger zone in a hurry cuz it's so strong.

the desperation that I feel can be debilitating, and a good thing too. good for times like that. I am always feeling desperate, that's at a five all the time too.

well, this has been me. no rhymes... no riddles....
no nothing. just me.

doesn't come too often. but it feels kinda peaceful when it does. so thank you for letting me have this time with myself without yelling or accusing me of anything.

Well, i didn't read the whole thing but I would say I lived at about a 5-6 (with episodes of higher) on the suicidal scale all the way through my teen years and then all the way up until more recently. I got to know suicidal ideation really well in those many long years.

I went through most of my life thinking everyone was suicidal, or at least thought about it often, or at least sometimes. Not the case. I still find it hard to believe, but no most people don't think about it. So here we are. At least we all have that in common. Although, what if there are bpers out there who don't think about it? I have no idea.

The other thing I went through most of my life thinking was that thoughts and feelings were the same thing. Well, they're not. Still working on that one.

If you're doing the "stay strong" thing for your girls, then kudos to you Dan! That's the right thing to do. They need the stability. It's just what we try to do as parents so they can have a happy stable childhood. Despite my efforts, I still have some obvious symptoms in front of my kids. But I do try to keep things calm for their sake. I think I can be proud of myself for my efforts in that.

From your description, this is a CBT challenge rather. Not sure about the success rate of this therapy, but at least the way it is advertised is exactly to deal with what you are describing.

blue,

i actually used to think that as well.

everyone, at some stage in their life, felt suicidal. mentally ill or not.. i always used to think that if things got too stressfull for them, they'd think about it.

as for the suicidal scale, through my teen years i was about an 8 or a 9, and now i'm down to about a 6 or something.

dan.. their's nothing wrong with you doing this sorta thing at all, if it helps i'm always talking to myself in the dark... it does help

My GP said that fleeting suicidal ideation is very common population-wide. It just does not rise to the level present in mentally ill people.