yeah. that's the one thing about trying to be mindful.....
you have to put aside all of the defenses that have been learned throughout the years and just let things be.

I'm not doing ok with that part of it.
I'm so frustrated with this right now I am close to tears! I expected more.

I don't cry. ever! wth?????

[faerie_moon_x]

You know, practicing a new skill takes time. I know you want to be better right now, but it's going to take time. I know you don't like hearing that.

I think you don't cry ever maybe because of your upbringing. Were you raised in a house where "real men don't cry?" That can have a huge effect on you as a kid. Hold it all in, don't let it out. That's not healthy. You don't have to cry necessarily, but you obviously are learning to let it out with all your poems and such. Maybe that will lead to tears eventually.

you say that like tears are good. if I started crying again then I would not stop. how good can that be?

[faerie_moon_x]

Sometimes it is good to cry. You say you would not stop, but that's not true. You will eventually get dehydrated and the tears will stop. I've cried myself out of tears many, many, many times.

You know when you have an episode it's this huge explosion and you kind of feel like the whole world is shaking after? But you also feel better. Or maybe like when you throw up. You feel better, even though you are still sick a bit....

Crying is like that. If you hold it in then it does turn into an episode and you errupt like a valcano. I do that, too. That's the bad way to do it. No valcano!

your right. I'm not doing good with expectations right now. I don't understand why I can't just feel better. I have to do this, or I have to do that, and i never asked for any of this in the first place. and I have to be okay for everyone else.. but I'm not okay. and I can't cry.. and I can't get rid of these emotions.. and they trigger me...

just venting. sorry.

[BlueInanna]

Mindfulness Therapy is different than plain mindfulness. I'll tell you what I did in the therapy. It was guided and controlled so that just bits came out to be processed at a time. That's what a good therapist does, it's medicine, a bit at a time. You can also learn to do these things on your own, there are a lot of self help tools out there, and some experts like Anika in here.

Anyway, I did that type therapy for a year. It was great and profound, but I also came to know that for at least a day after every session I must not commit to any big responsibilities because I was processing a lot. I have crying spells normally, but being mindful will bring so much to the surface.

So the first session, she always started with let's tune in to my body. Just take some breaths and notice parts of your body. Is there somewhere with pain? Ok, just notice it for now. Where else is there pain? Ok, just noticing for now. We did some talk therapy to get to know me. She ended the first session saying, Ok, for the next week until our next session, just try to notice the thoughts you have. Don't try to change them, just notice them, and try to remember what you notice, like what things you say to yourself so you can tell me about it next week. That was the first session, and that little bit was intense to process.

Take it slow Dan. You're taking on a big deal, and it's awesome and you're brave. And if you like that idea from my therapist... maybe just try for some time right now to just notice, observe your thoughts without judgment, and then tell us about it. You don't need to change and fix it all right now. Does that even make sense that something as huge as changing your life and your thinking could happen quickly or easily? I don't think so, especially with bp and gad and stuff. This stuff is huge.

It's ok to take it slow, bits at a time. And you're already making progress even though it doesn't feel good. You've taken steps. You sound in outright pain, actually and I would love to fix you, and me, and everyone in some easier fashion. But it's deep work you're going to be doing. But you can do it and you will be glad you did in the long run.

well... i took a shower and i'm getting dressed to go out now, so that is like my achievement for the day.

[faerie_moon_x]

Sometimes even the smallest acheivements are the biggest. There's nothing wrong with that.

[BlueInanna]

Yep a shower, getting dressed, going out, good for you. Way ahead of me.

everything is wrong with that! for me... taking half a day to feel well enough to go sit in the shower for an hour before actually washing! just to finally get out and barely get dressed! not to mention the hard time I gave everyone while I was out! everything is wrong with that. everything is wrong period!

[faerie_moon_x]

I think that the first thing you need to work on is learning to forgive yourself. You are your own worst critic. It's not about "right or wrong." It's about working toward wellness. And, that is a long term goal. So first you have to make smaller goals.

Turn it around. Insead of "it took me half the day to get in the shower," instead say, "Today I took a shower."

Make sure you're working on setting up your daily routines. This will help you when things go off the rails.

right now.... I just wish the old threads that I wrote would just go away.. honestly, I could take five showers right now with no problem. I hear what you are saying, but that is not me anymore. But thank you though for caring enough to post this.

Not trying to be an ***.....

just trying to say that I am different now. I'm fine. I just feel bad for posting everything that I did now. I'm not depressed anymore.