I think my issues root from when I was a child.
God I felt so repulsive to the world.
I knew in my heart that I was a waste to all others,
and that it didn't matter what I did because I was me,
and all that I could ever do was dispicable.

I never got over that.
I prove to myself time and time again that I can do anything.
this is like my drive to do the impossible.

but no matter how much I achieve..... this is what's inside.

I think it's at the core of my emotional instability.

can't go back any farther than this. this has to be it. started at age nine

[Anika.]

Dan, i am just headed to work, but will respomd later. I went through something similar, yeah it is a big thing you are onto I think. Hope you have a better day! Will see you around later, and come back to this thread.

okay. thank you!

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

can't go back any farther than this. this has to be it. started at age nine

Hi there,

I am a psych major that is really into "psychodynamic/analytic" psychology. This therapeutic approach really focuses on past traumas, specifically going back to the parents.

so you said
God I felt so repulsive to the world.

What an awful thing to feel, I can't imagine the hurt you must have went through to end up feeling that way!

If I was a therapist, I might try to break that down and see how specific
you were able to get. Sometimes that can be so painful/emotionally difficult that it could take years to get to a place where this would be possible.

"I knew in my heart that I was a waste to all others,
and that it didn't matter what I did because I was me,
and all that I could ever do was dispicable."

Dang, so you grew up with what sounds like a total sense of worthlessness?
I think being able to recognize that this is what is really bothering you is such a huge step; I agree with you, and think some of these traumas that you endured is at the core.

I never got over that.
I prove to myself time and time again that I can do anything.
this is like my drive to do the impossible.

but no matter how much I achieve..... this is what's inside.

I think it's at the core of my emotional instability.

So no matter what you do, it just never helps; well, I personally believe that looking at this the way you are is a great direction to start in. The belief behind the psychdynamic type of approach says if you are able to talk about these traumas, and realize how wrong and impactful these things that happened to you were, then you might gain an insight into these patterns of worthlessness you feel in almost all areas of your life. Like relationships, work, and every attempt at any task could have this "worth" theme kick up for you, if that makes any sense.

Although there is much more involved with this therapy, the idea is to go back to your past and really cry out all those traumas you went through, feel like you did as a kid going through it all... and you'll be amazed at how even the things that seemed so trivial ended up being so important. Kids are small! 9 years old? Your parents are bigger then you, and you depend on them for love, acceptance, and support besides food/shelter/clothing. Its like the ultimate pain when these people who are supposed to take care of you, fail to do so.

I didn't mean to overwhelm you if that is what I ended up doing, I saw "core issues" and really wanted to support the direction you are going in, because so many say "you can't dwell in your past". There's no such thing, if it bothers you it is an unresolved issue, and there is hope of fixing it-you can't change the past, but you can talk about how it hurt and grow if you are with someone who supports you and will listen.

That was a lot, I apologize lol
take care,
-obj

me, be specific? haha..lol.... On a topic about feeling repulsive to the world...lol...

sorry for laughing. I laugh cuz I can be pinpoint specific. it's what I do. Brutal, raw honesty is part of my self destructive behavior lol.

I'm not overwhelmed. You don't have to worry about that with me.

how is it going with the psych major anyways? that is an awesome field!
are you on for research? or do you have a condition as well? either way, glad you are here!

The kids in school. they went out of their way to demonstrate to me the flaws that made me different. it was something that I saw too. I played stupid, even though I was not. but if they knew I was smart, then it would have been worse.

down to a game in P.E... I was the inferior one. the other kids tried to show me what to do, the right way to do things. I saw them, but my way was so much different, I couldn't play by their rules no matter how hard I tried. But I did try. I always failed. and this was rubbed in my face constantly. it was this way with relationships. I never really had a friend growing up cuz I wasn't like the other kids. I became known for what I was. I ended up believing that too.

specifics lol - I watched the way that two people I knew interacted. I saw the things that they did as friends. I tried to fake it before but I only got so far. I saw the way that I could never be. that I wasn't. I learned to accept it. it was this way with everything.

come to think of it, I did stop trying in middle school. I acted out in the ways that I had believed that I was. Problem is, underlying everything today I still carry those same beliefs around with me.

thing is too.... that it's really not me believing these things. it's like a part of me, with no seperation at all. it's who I am and I can mask it and cover it up but it's always there no matter what. It's who I am and that just sucks lol.

[Anika.]

ok Dan, Ahhh retarded day at work, I would rather be here with my friends.

I read your other post too on specifics... You know I can understand a lot of what you are saying and relate it back to my own childhood and youth.

I'll give you a little bit of examples, so you can see where I am coming from. My father never liked me, he actually told me those very words when I was about 9 or 10, not that I didn't already know. Everything I did was so wrong, I had a speech problem that he would go balistic over, as if I was choosing that. No matter how hard I tired to please him I couldn't. I was really an awkward kid, moved about 2-3 times a year. I went to 26 different schools by the beginning of grade 10, however every school was the same.. in that I did not fit, not with the kids, not with the adults, with no one. Like you with the gym class, I did my algebra backwards, I had to attend after school "help" in hope to conform and to it forwards like everyone else. Just one example gosh there are so many.

By the time I was 14 I was homeless not by choice, family breakdown etc. I was volatile, angry, hurt, confused, scared.. I was already an alcoholic, and a drug user by 15. Picking fights, breaking the law, which I won't get into. Pretty much just reinforcing what I always thought, that I was a mess up in every way.

Something that took me years to break free from is that feeling like I am from the wrong wrong wrong side of the tracks. I can still feel it from time to time, but really it's nothing anymore. You can really change what you believe about yourself, and no it is not easy. It takes time.

Ok so it's not like you need forgiveness, tho sometimes that can help if we feel like we need to forgive ourselves of somethings. Acceptance tho, and embracement. ya that's not a word.

So maybe you were different, and maybe you still are, I was, and I still am. But why is it a bad thing? If you can allow yourself to try to see your differences in a different light maybe. Embrace them, and loose the shame.

When you say that it's not you believing them, its a part of you.. see to me that sounds familiar, but also distorted. It's the belief that is is you, and the belief that it is bad. Whatever we think we are, we will be. But is that the real real you, or is that the you you have been believing you are so deep to your core that the authentic you has been burried beyond belief?

I mean what happens if you try to just let go of this feeling that you have to try to cover up, what will happen if you accept and embrace the real true you, and even like him. Let go of the judgement you hold to yourself? Other people can see this and that is the thing, they may not pick it up on a conscience level, but they will pick it up, even if they don't recognize exactly what it is, you will be projecting what you think and feel about yourself to others. And they will catch the vibe of it, and they will act according to what you are putting out. That doesn't even matter so so much, I mean it does because we are our own representitives, we set the stage, and others follow our lead when it comes to all things us.

So what do you think it would take for you to start believing differently about yourself? It seems like it's so ingrained, but there surely is ways to loosen it off you. You might not even agree with me, but I am sure that was we think becomes our own reality. And if you continue to think this way about your very being, it's is going to be pretty damn real. If you change those beliefs and thoughts, it changes your reality too, and people can change near anything they think, believe, and feel.. the mind is extremely powerful.

If we can change these things, and it does change our reality, then our feelings are going to change too, and our emotions. And you can keep running with that as far as you want to. You could flip this whole thing in the opposite direction.

DBT and CBT can really help with this kind of stuff, but there are other ways to get at it too. Sometimes learning how to not judge is in order. Not judge the emotions in values of positive and negative, they just are, and you acknowledge they are there for what they are.. and then let them go. Don't attach to them and hold on to them. Stuff happens in life, and no matter what.. stuff will continue to happen, and it is the same idea, try not to judge the event, just see it for what it is, and try to work with it.

So much time we spend trying to work against everything, against the emotions, against events that happen, against ourselves, and against others. But I am not saying just let the emotions rule you either. But to bring awareness to what you do with them, and what you think about them.

We cling to them, and beliefs about yourself and everything else, but I think when we learn how to let go, we can get back to our true selves.

I am sorry if any of this seems confusing, I am tired and that makes me a little over here and there. It's such a big thing, how can you make it simple? But it kinda is simple, simply working on a few different areas.

I really hope you can find a way to let this stuff go, so you can just really be you, and really love you too. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and none of it is really a bad thing. Accepting them without judgement I think is what allows us to change and grow in all the places we might need.

Now sorry for the long jummbled reply, But I really want you to be able to come to a place of comfort and ease with yourself. I think that is so important.

[Anika.]

Ok if I didn't emphasize it enough, I will one more time. It's the non judgment and non attachment to the emotions that is the main point. That is magic Dan, it's the attachment that pulls us in, makes us stressed, anxious, depressed, flipin out.

The peace comes when we learn how to stop attaching to them. Stop attaching to the past, and the future. Contantly thinking about the past and future causes lots of problems. Neither one exists right now. So we have to learn how to let go of that attachment to the past, attachment to what we *think* is the future. And just be right now, just takes practice to keep your mind present and to bring awarness to what you are holding onto, and what you mind is judgeing. I don't know how else to say that this really really really helps.

[manicminer]

Insight is the key to the knowledge needed for sucessful recovery. Keep on diggin', landskaperdan

[creativelight]

Who made you feel like that? Is not your fault... But you need to let go now...

Originally Posted by Anika.

Ok if I didn't emphasize it enough, I will one more time. It's the non judgment and non attachment to the emotions that is the main point. That is magic Dan, it's the attachment that pulls us in, makes us stressed, anxious, depressed, flipin out.

The peace comes when we learn how to stop attaching to them. Stop attaching to the past, and the future. Contantly thinking about the past and future causes lots of problems. Neither one exists right now. So we have to learn how to let go of that attachment to the past, attachment to what we *think* is the future. And just be right now, just takes practice to keep your mind present and to bring awarness to what you are holding onto, and what you mind is judgeing. I don't know how else to say that this really really really helps.

Ok. Mindfulness. Being in the moment. I learned about mindfulness when I learned about meditation. What you said makes perfect sense. You cared enough to write out everything that you did! I will put the work into mindfulness. Thank you!

[creativelight]

What Anika says does makes perfect sense and to do that, it will take time. It's a process, you have to restructure and re learn. But you can surely do it!

[Anika.]

Yes it does take time. Maybe it is always a process, but one worth doing. If anything nothing bad will come out of it. The attachment thing is more like what Buddhism speaks about and it makes a lot of sense.

I have tried putting these things into practice and it took me quite a few times to really sink in, I really started noticing changes. But when I would stop and drift back to being the way I was before so did everything else. I just kept working at it, and it starts to become so much easier. But I still have to keep working at it all the time, but it keeps getting better. And then something will happen and it can set you back a little. So then you just have to regain that awareness again of what your mind is up to and where it is at.

If I start to feel down, or anxious or stressed, it is usually because my mind is off wherever it wants to go, thinking about things it doesn't need to be, things that might not even happen, or things that already passed. But when I being my awareness back to the present, without attaching to the emotions, it all the crazy making melts away with it.

Something that we always will have to work at, but it does get easier. And peaceful, without all that judging going on within mucking up our perspective on almost anything. I think some real healing can start to happen then because we become more open.

If you ever want helpful links or anything I can give you some. There are some pretty good videos on you tube too. But if you want to work on this just remember that it is all a practice, so if it seems difficult or anything just keep going, it will get better. I don't think there is ever really an "I have arrived" moment where we do it perfectly or without effort just as with meditation. It's all just a practice.

Dan I do care about you, I don't always know what to say but I know I hope that you can find that magical peaceful place, you and me and all of us. Those dang monks always look so peaceful and jolly even, has to make one curious about how they got there. If they can get there, then we can get there too. I really think you can!

Kinda just thinking, maybe that is how we can be who we really are, and really be ok, and ok with that too. I know you talked a lot about having to fake it. And I am sure we have all done it at some point either a little or a lot at different times. Gandhi talked about when what we do, say and think all line up.. then we know true happiness, it comes from that harmony. My T told me the same thing, in different words, she called it being congruent, having your actions, words, feelings, and thoughts all parallel... being authentic which leads to contentment and peace. Genetic brought up the same idea the other day, with different wording... integrity. So maybe this can offer you a way to be you, and ok ... Like for real ok ( not pretend ok ) at the same time.

I unfortunately don't have the patience to read through anyone's long but insightful responses... Drat! But I just wanted to post because I totally know what you're going through. Some problems I think I was born with -- I have weird compulsive & risk-taking behaviours dating back to as young as two years old! But I know that my anxiety & instability (among others) are learned. And so I've just started going to therapy so I can hopefully reverse my self-destructive behaviour before it's too late... The fact that you recognize this & accept this at all is an achievement!

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I unfortunately don't have the patience to read through anyone's long but insightful responses... Drat! But I just wanted to post because I totally know what you're going through. Some problems I think I was born with -- I have weird compulsive & risk-taking behaviours dating back to as young as two years old! But I know that my anxiety & instability (among others) are learned. And so I've just started going to therapy so I can hopefully reverse my self-destructive behaviour before it's too late... The fact that you recognize this & accept this at all is an achievement!

its all good. I wouldn't make it through that long of a post or posts either lol. don't know how I even wrote all that! wish it would just go away already though