Help

It has been awhile since I've been here. But I really think I need someone to talk to. I spoke with my therapist on Monday about how I have been feeling and we are leaning toward hospitalization or PHP at the least. I see my pdoc on Monday so we will see what he says. So what has been going on? Rage. Pure rage. I hate the world. I have thoughts that I am better than everyone. I don't care if I hurt people's feelings. You know why? Because I am hurting so much inside. I just want others to understand for once how I feel. The voices in my head are becoming harder to distinguish between reality and fiction. Thoughts of hurting myself have increased. Do I want to die? NO! I just want physical pain so that I can take away the emotional/mental pain. This BP 1 with psychotic features sucks. I know there are others who are in worse positions than me, but at the moment I don't care. All I care about is me. Is that too selfish? Again, if it is I don't really care. I am so confused. It's like I have two people in me. On one hand, I have the rational side telling me that everything is going to be okay. And on the other hand, I have the irrational side saying screw you because I am not going to be ok. Part of my problem is that I have too much alone time. I get stuck in my head and that's when the voices and hallucinations are at their best. I also feel invincible. I am on top of the bloomin' world. Yet I am being pulled down by some invisible force. I feel it yanking at my arms. I see these shadows pulling at me. I fight back because I am invincible, but sometimes it doesn't work. I get pulled into the blackness and it suddenly explodes into a bright red color. The color of rage and I become enraged at the myself for letting the shadows have so much control over me. I want to hit something hard. I want to hit so hard that I break my hand. Or I want to cut to relieve the emotional pain. I know. I've said some pretty dark things but I won't take my life. I must exist in this living hell. My whole body exudes rage. My muscles are taut. My jaw is clenched. My hands are balled in fists. My lips are pursed. My brow is furrowed. I feel like a time bomb ready to go off or a spring ready to be sprung. I feel so alone in my illness. No, I don't go to any type of group therapy. There isn't one in my area for Bipolar. And computer contact is not the same as human contact and that is what I need. I need the humanness of people. It's time, isn't it. It's time to seek a higher level of care where I can be monitored between 8 to 24 hours a day. Thanks for reading, whoever read this. You have helped me make a very tough decision.

Again, thanks.

(((((((Phoenix)))))))

i'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. i hope you get the help you need soon and hope it all works out for you.

hope you keep us all up to date with how things go?

I'm here

rage is kind of normal... when you are depressed you shout and hurt the only people who love you........ perhaps you want them to leave you so that they would become happy..... feeling invincible.... again i have to say its common... i felt that last time i was depressed... these are just bipolar symptoms but due to your bipolar 1 you are feeling them strongly...

just keep on writing here... write everything you feel... let it all out... it will make you feel better trust me...... and great thing is this forum is anonymous,you don't have to worry about anything!!!!!!!

I feel rage a lot too. And I think it was also triggered by feeling no one understands or cares to try... and just getting left behind. And, yeah, when the rage explodes full force I attack myself. I know how it is, wanting to just make the pain inside less significant.

I feel the rage alot too. I yell at my fiancee like I hate him. I tell him to leave and that I just want him gone. Sometimes I know I don't mean it and others times I know I do. But the truth is I never mean it. I always want him here, but it just seems so natural to hurt him and be angry. It's like a pounding in my head telling me to scream at the top of my lungs so it will stop hurting me. But I know it all comes in cycles and sooner or later it will be gone and I will be happy again.

Thank you. All three of you for listening. I feel so lost at times and so alone even though I have the best partner a person could ask for. But she doesn't understand the emotional pain that I go through day in and day out. I don't know if I am going to be as high as a kite or lower than a deep abyss in the ocean. I wish I could cry. You know how frustrating it is to want to cry and have no tears come? I am so d*** tired of this illness. I...humph. I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just lost and becoming scared. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am tired of not knowing what my day is going to be like emotionally. Thanks for listening.

I know it feels like it, but you're not alone. I've felt that rage. Iwish people could understand better. Writing it all out, as Darth Bane suggests, does help me a lot. I hope your visit to the pdoc leads to you finding some peace. <3

I am proud of you to realize that the hospital is not all bad, and a safe place for you where you can get help

just be very, very careful not to turn that rage inward. I know for me, when I feel a tremendous amount of rage I try to protect those around me by stuffing it and turning it inwards towards myself. In my opinion, finding something to do with that rage is so much better than the alternatives. You have to let it out in such a way that it doesn't hurt those around you but you also have to make sure that you don't hurt yourself in the process.

Others will tell you to let yourself off the hook, but there will be so much rage that you won't be able to. no... that is not the way to go.

but burning all of your bridges is not a good option either.

I think the best thing, if you can do it, would be physical activity. let it out physically. go for a hike, work out, run, jog, walk, use a punching bag, clean, anything really.

hope this helps.