to anyone who cares....

Saw family doc today and she will continue the lorazepam. So relief there. Now I'm thinking is this real? Is bipolar real. My mood is all over the place. I went off the gabapentin 2 weeks ago. Only been on the lamictal for a week maybe that's it, Idk.

My family, therapist and the pdocs I saw in the hospital certainly think I have it. But then I'm left with meds and then this med and then we'll that didn't work so let's try this one, etc. I'm so overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, sad, confused. At least I'm not crying right now. But I'm sure I will be before the day is over.

Anybody else experience this state of confusion? This state of feeling so raw and vulnerable?

I know I'm whining, I'm still new at this. Trying to figure it out.

Do you have a regular pdoc?

All the time. Doctors will play guess what might work next. Most of my friends and acquaintances won't have a clue there is anything off about me. I can put on a great picture for anyone who is willing to watch a very normal, polite person bumble around. I constantly question whether or not my moods are abnormal and bipolar or just moods and my inadequate ability to cope with them. Most I know wouldn't swing so dramatically like I do but, most I know haven't got a clue that I'm like this. My one peak into reality is my husba f but he has the label himself and I find him quite normal so his attempts to tell me I'm not don't work well, would they?

I decided to determine what I want and need and go for that, the rest, the normal picture, it is a front, like an actress I can play the part without worry.

It is quite common to have to try many different meds and combinations of meds until you find what works for you. Yes, it can be confusing and frustrating. I hate to think of how many different drugs I have tried. I've had the same mix now since July 2011 although the dosage has changed. I also have had intermittent ECT since then. Right now it is at every two weeks. For a long time it was only once a month. But, I had a breakthrough episode and we did another series of 6 and back to every other week. Don't let this worry you. Not that many people with bipolar end up on ECT but for me it has been very helpful.

Coco-interesting way to look at it.

Miguel mom-yeah I had a pdoc he's a f$&&ing crazy man. He is losing his license. I posted this already that is what triggered all this. Ptsd came back hard.

To anyone that thinks I sound judgemental about pdoc.....whatever if u only knew the charges. Yes I know he hasn't been convicted yet but my state insurance won't have anything to do with him and I saw first hand craziness in his office. He tried to get me on meds I don't need. Anyway.....it's the last thing ppl with mental health issues need. It's nuts. And it made me not feel safe. The pharmacists have been complaining about him for yrs. The charges on my state licencing site well it's 22 pages. 3 deaths. 2 overdosed one committed suicide.

Passionskyy what you are experiencing is exactly how I felt after I was hospitalized the first time. Very raw and vulnerable. I remember going to get my prescritions for the first time and to the mall. It felt extremely vulnerable-it felt like so much stimulus. And the changing of the meds-Actually it took about 6 months just to start feeling alittle more balanced-I had alot of confusion and questions. I hope you feel good with you PDoc-that is so important. I actually had one that I had worked with some years earlier with depression. It was after my hospitalization that it was realized I had Bipolar. So, just getting used to the idea was alot. (To be honest, I still have a hard time with it) Anyway, didn't want to just write all about me-but just wanted to reinforce that you are not alone in your experience. Glad you are here and have the people on this site. I hope the best for you and your recovery! Easy does it and be gentle with yourself! Peace

Oh and btw he is not allowed to give any controlled substances at all in the state of Washington. That includes benzo' s.

Sounds like long past time to get a new pdoc. If they are taking action against him then he is not acting appropriately or professionally... but, you know what they say, there are two kinds of psychiatrists...those who have had patients suicide and those who will. That came from a textbook for psychiatrists. Believe it or not, you can buy them on amazon. I am reading one of the cheaper ones right now... 600 pgs. Boy am I off track!

Back to you.... you owe it to yourself to find a new, professional pdoc.

Sorry you had a horrible Pdoc. I am pretty certain you will find a good one this time. Find one that will work with you too find the best treatment(s) for you.

I would imagine that whatever new Pdoc you find will know all about the other one.

Good Luck

Yeah I get that, however he had other doc's intervene and STILL gave suicidal patients massive amounts of all kinds of drugs. In the info on my state department of health site where all the charges are it says he treated a whole family even had one of those family members living with him at the time. It's creepy. I know more from a pharmacist here (where I live) but won't say, let's just say he was allegedly involved in some crazy stuff.

At this point I'm just gonna stick with my family doc. I will have to research to find a pdoc that will take my state insurance. And I'm leery to say the least.

Yes look into a new Pdoc , Just keep in mind most family Doctors are not educated in treating BP effectively.

He was only my pdoc for about 3months and get this he claimed he didn't really know how to treat bipolar so I was just treating myself, experimenting. He tried to convince me I had adhd, I don't. If I was put on stimulants I would lose my sanity so fast. Not to say I'm not losing it now, j/k. I kinda am just feel scared,anxious and a host of other unpleasantness.

You might be able to get in to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner more easily than a pdoc. It's worth a try.....you are part of an under-served population and thus should be able to access a PNP with little difficulty. Look in the phone book and see who's in it that deals with MH issues. Good luck!

I found that I needed a pdoc not just a family doctor cos all the different meds and their side effects and interactions are just to confusing. Hope you can find a good pdoc.

As for is BP real - I think its all part of the disease to doubt it. I wrote a thread on it a few months ago and hamster wrote a different thread more recently... I can't speak for her, but for me even though at the time my doubts were real I have had confirmation from a friend who knew me during my crazy times to say it really is real!!!

As for the lamactil, it takes a long time to titrate up to the correct dose because you should be increasing slowly to reduce the risk of a potentially life-threatening rash appearing. so you will have to hold out for a while before you get relief from the lamactil - though some people get good effects at 100mg most need to go to at least 200mg.

Keep a mood chart while you are changing meds so that you can assess how they are going and a journal can be helpful when your moods are all over the place cos writing it down can help you figure out what is behind the mood swings. Do you see a Therapist? That's also a good way to identify triggers and develop coping strategies.

Best wishes for your BP journey....

Yeah I'm seeing a therapist. I know I'm gonna have to find a pdoc. But I'm afraid they will want to take me off some of my meds and replace them with antipsychotics. I don't want that. I get horrible anxiety from them. Seroquel was okay but I gained weight, 50 pounds and I have a back issue so that isn't good.

I'm still relatively new at this but it seems pdoc' s don't like to give ad for bipolar disorder. Instead it is antipsychotics. That personally doesn't work for me.

About lamictal, I'm on 2nd week. So it will be about 3-4 more weeks before I reach 100mg.

Thanks for your input. I'm gonna take my night meds and try and sleep.

Abilify has been good for me and weight neutral. I actually managed to lose the weight I put on with lithium while on it...

Sleep well

We do care! You certainly have had a rough ride. I've been on this bipolar roller coaster for over 12 years now and have had my share of all kinds of meds and several kooky psychiatrists, but not any as bad as the one you ended up with. Most are pretty decent. You might be able to go on the Internet and even find some reviews about ones in your area--or at least read about their credentials.

I agree about the anti-psychotics. I am Bipolar II, and I especially don't appreciate being given those. I didn't know what they were at the time. And weight gain......I won't get started on that.

Lamictal is a very popular mood stabilizer. I was on the maximum dose for years, though, and had to get off of it. It works well for most folks, I think, though.